To think eating nicely is worth persisting with

[Lollipopbubblegum]

DS (10) has difficulty with fine motor skills and co ordination. He finds cutlery tricky and often has food on/around his lips. So all in all eating nicely is trickier than for most. However when he slows down he can manage very well. The main thing being taking smaller fork/spoonfuls and getting it actually in his mouth.

Despite reminding him constantly he never seems to remember.

With everything I try to not dent his confidence or shame him but find myself repeatedly reminding him. I try back off when he having a treat etc but otherwise I am reminding him.

I feel like it will be worth it long term so he can enjoy eating with others/restaurants etc.

Is this something you would prioritise? I'm wondering if I am making an error as it must be annoying for him.

I’m dyspraxia and dreaded every meal time as a child. I hold my fork in my right hand and I can’t use a knife for shit. I was diagnosed until I was 33 and it was life changing, tbh, along with my ADHD diagnosis.

As an adult I use scissors to cut every food I can before I sit down to eat and just stab it with my fork. I almost always drop food down me.

If he has a physical or neuro reason for not being able to eat “properly”, then with all kindness, you need to let it slide.

I'm not entirely sure the good Uni thing matters, unless it's a v formal type, (Oxbridge, Durham?).
That said, yes I think it's important but I know it can be a struggle for some children, and I'm sure no one decent would be unkind about someone who really couldn't manage.
Adults with no SN eating like pigs is beyond revolting though.

@FuckMyLife2021 its good to hear from you, I'm really sorry for your experience.

If you had grown up with supportive parents who tried to work out with you the things that matter and encourage you in a kind way as a child do you think eating without mess is one of the things would have made your life a bit easier?

Maybe it wont matter to him as much as I think it will as he grows up.

@Aquamarine1029

Proper table manners are very important. I would persist.

Definitely, with lots of positive encouragement.

Table manners are a crucial life skill.

If you doubt that, google top lists of things that women hate in their partners ....table manners are right up there.

Dd has HFA.
She can and does eat with perfect manners when necessary.
However, one of the the things she struggles with is other people eating.
She's learned coping mechanisms over the years, she's almost 20, but if she was at a table with someone with terrible manners, I honestly think she'd just get up and walk off.
In all honesty I'd want to, too, but I could stick it out, she couldn't.

They thought they were being kind but they just made me even more nervous which led to more spilling/not being able to chop food etc.

If I go out to eat, I eat much slower than I would at home, but as it’s interspersed with conversation, nobody notices that I’m slow. My friends are all lovely and supportive though.

I’d reached the best of my ability but my parents weren’t accepting of that. I don’t eat with my hands, or with my mouth open, so I don’t see how the way I cut food or the occasional spill/ dropping my fork equals piss poor table manners.

I didn’t know this until recently but Speech and Language Therapists can really help with messy eating. My DD was referred for help with communication and social skills and I was surprised when the therapist says she could also work on messy eating. Might be worth looking into.

I've got the same with my ASD 10 year old. He literally hoovers food off his plate at lightening speed and gets it all round his mouth.
We are teaching him to slow down, to put his knife and fork down after every few mouthfuls and have a moment.
I agree with other posters, table manners are so important.

We have this with 9 year old DS. At first we made a big deal about it, thinking at his age he should be able to eat nicer. But then he was diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia so we bought some special cutlery and just ask him to slow down. Cos the poor kid is getting criticized enough for other stuff in his life, this battle was not worth it.

On the plus side his sensory issues mean he never has food around his mouth (wipes immediately if necessary) plus he rarely drops food

"manners" and not being disgusting are 2 different things, tbh

DH's family freaks out because I might have elbows on table or use fork in wrong hand -- but that's nothing to do with being disgusting

Agreed. Ds is never disgusting. Just doesn't know how to use a knife priperly and ea5rs way way too fast.

@lljkk

"manners" and not being disgusting are 2 different things, tbh

DH's family freaks out because I might have elbows on table or use fork in wrong hand -- but that's nothing to do with being disgusting

Well they sound like fun🙄.

Going against the grain but, I was often picked up for table manners as a child. It just made me anxious at meal times. I remember sitting at a table knowing that comments would be coming my way. And to be honest, I think that my parents' comments weren't trying to shame me or dent my confidence either. I was just quite a sensitive child.

Sorry if you already are doing this, but is there anything that you could do outside of meal tines to work on his motor skills? That might help with the issue, but keep mealtimes pleasant.

Is he aware of poor table manners without you pointing it out? If so, then a gentler technique might be just to point out the problem itself. "Billy, you've got some food on your lips" and letting him figure out what to do next, rather than hectoring him to eat more slowly and be more careful. Praising for eating well might seem a good idea, but that might just emphasise to him that you are always watching and assessing his eating. Good table manners are important, but I'd argue that having a good relationship with food is more so.

@Lollipopbubblegum

We had different cutlery when he was younger but he would definitely not want to use different cutlery at friend's or eating out. I appreciate the suggestions though. I know for some children that would be the answer.

I wonder if you are jumping the gun a bit thinking about friends houses and uni- it might be helpful to focus on small things that make life easier for the majority of meals (ie at home)?

I would try to make mealtimes at home easy and relaxed and just talk about how important table manners are when out with other people occasionally and have practise meals when he invites a friend and you all eat nicely. You said your DS wouldn't want to use special cutlery with friends so he does understand some people will judge how he eats and wants to fit in. So you can build on that feeling to teach him ways to fit in when eating too. At the same time I would not want him to feel in any way uncomfortable with his family at home. I would give him the easy to use cutlery, set the table to make things work for him and try to prepare meals he can easily eat. If he has something messy let him have a big napkin tied round his neck to protect his clothes and so on.

If he can actually do it when reminded, do you need him to practice every time? You could just not care most meals, and then once a week have a "special" meal and remind everyone to eat with their best manners for that meal.

So he'll know how to do it when in company, but you don't make regular meals a stress.

(Tbqh my "home" table manners are a little imperfect - but I know how to behave when I'm out!)

I think keeping most home meals relaxed is a good idea, the main thing is he knows how to eat nicely when he's out or with his friends. And try to let go of more minor things, like which hand he holds his fork in for example. And focus more on things like eating with his mouth closed and eating slow enough not to get food everywhere

I think you absolutely 100% have to persist. In our house, it's just reminders. Yes, it gets tedious, but I remind him about all kinds of things all the time so reminding him to please sit properly at the table or to use a napkin are not that big a deal. DS is left handed and also has fine motor skill issues so for example, we encourage him to swap the knife and fork round to make it easier for him. If there's significant deterioration in table manners/ eating we'll remind him how to hold the knife and fork correctly (as it makes it easier to eat) etc.

DH DID one time say something that felt like a judgement and DS was understandably upset. DH apologised.

Reminding and "telling off" are completely different things.

Also, even with DS' challenges I'm pleasantly surprised to see all these people saying definitely persist because in his group of friends, he appears to have the best table manners of any of them and it irritates me a lot when his friends eat at our house. Not just actual eating, but so many who don't seem to be able to actually sit at the table, the lack of please or thank you etc. Drives me crazy.

DH and I spend a lot of time wondering if his friends are all super polite at home then regress at our house and if so, whether DS is the same when he goes to other people's houses and they all think he's a rude, unpleasant dinner guest.

@GlutenFreeGingerCake

I would try to make mealtimes at home easy and relaxed and just talk about how important table manners are when out with other people occasionally and have practise meals when he invites a friend and you all eat nicely. You said your DS wouldn't want to use special cutlery with friends so he does understand some people will judge how he eats and wants to fit in. So you can build on that feeling to teach him ways to fit in when eating too. At the same time I would not want him to feel in any way uncomfortable with his family at home. I would give him the easy to use cutlery, set the table to make things work for him and try to prepare meals he can easily eat. If he has something messy let him have a big napkin tied round his neck to protect his clothes and so on.

I disagree with this. I think that it needs to be ingrained as standard behaviour. That doesn't mean that if he's eating at home he has to sit at a table, place mat at all and eat perfectly, but overall, the standard should be attempting to keep mouth clean, chewing with mouth closed etc. Because otherwise it's too difficult to do and to remember in "public"

Please don't give up. My DSS had his horrific table managers ignored when he was younger, now he's 17, shovels food into his mouth so no meal takes more than a couple of minutes to eat, and makes a horrible lip smacking open mouthed chewing noise throughout. It's absolutely fucking vile and I can't stand being near him when he eats (which obviously happens several times a day!)