How are you?

[antsy]

I am having a really shit time at the moment. I have started when people ask me this question, not answering it. Virtually no one seems to notice I do not answer it. Even good friends.

They aren't literally asking how you are.

It's just a general greeting, a variation on hello.

Most adults realise the answer is 'fine thanks you?', or something along those lines.

Sorry you are having a tough time Antsy.

I always found 'how are you' to be an introductory question. People don't really want to know, but its just something that is said. Firstly if you started telling people the truth, they may just cut and run as don't really want to know/care awfully much. And I have also found out lately that people are quite self absorbed, if you say you are having a shit day, then theirs is usually even shittier.

I hope that you are able to find someone irl that you can open up to, otherwise you can always post here if you need to get something off your chest, there is always someone around night and day.

Thanks. I know with most people it is just a greeting. But with good friends, I do want to know how they are.
I do not want to talk about it with friends though as I would just end up crying.
Both our jobs are at risk, the house has subsidence (claim submitted), my partner has serious mental health problems and has taken to his bed so I am holding everything together. My father is ill. It is just all falling apart at the moment.
I know it will get better, I just need to hang on in. The industry I am in is not well-paid, but there is a shortage of candidates, especially at the lower pay end. So I might have to take a pay cut, but worst case I will get something and we will survive financially.
But everything is so uncertain at the moment.

Don’t do this!

You are going to self sabotage and convince yourself that your friends don’t care, just when you may really need them.

You know that “how are you?” is a just a greeting, not a direct question. So do not “test” friends by not answering a question that they do not even think they are asking!

If you need to talk about how you really are - tell a friend that’s what you need to do.

Good luck, it sounds really tough

I'm really sorry you're having such a horrible time and I can see why you want friends to really ask so that you can get some support.

Do you have a close friend or group of close friends who you could text for some support? Otherwise one-to-one counselling might be a good idea- that's not to say that there's anything wrong with you but that you have a huge amount to cope with at the moment and anyone would feel overwhelmed by it.

In general I do think 'how are you' as a greeting doesn't actually mean anything and that it is basically an alternative to 'hello'. Some people do say 'No how are you really?' or something along those lines or 'how are you holding up' and those are most of an invitation to actually discuss how things are going.

You could try asking friends/family- 'how are you really' first and then see if they do the same back!

I am losing weight as I am struggling to eat. I could do with losing some weight so that is fine. But I am just so stressed at the moment.

I have lots of friends but don't tend to talk much about my problems anyway. I do keep things in at the best of times.

If you don't actually want to discuss this with your friends then I'm not really sure what you're asking for?

People aren't mind readers. Everyone has stuff going on and sometimes you need to be explicit in your need for help. Silently assessing whether or not people have picked up on your failure to answer "how are you?" is unfair and will only lead to disappointment.

Your friends aren't going to judge you. Choose one and let some of this out. Yes you might cry but you might also find it helpful.

So that’s fine if you don’t want to talk to friends. But don’t talk it up into your head that they don’t care about you because they’re not noticing you “ignore” their “how are you?” when you both know it’s just a greeting. That is, as I said, self sabotage - and will just make you feel worse.

Perhaps you do need to open up to them though.

Life does this every now and then and the best way to deal with it is to compartamalise. Don't start thinking nobody cares, they do but find it difficult to know how to engage. You can ask straight up if you can discuss something and mist people will give you the time, no problem.

The subsidence you have claimed. Let the process pan out. Only think about it when you have to engage in the process. Keep good records of all conversations etc and then don't think about them once you put down the phone or when a surveyor leaves etc

Follow the advice for your partner and have a routine of engagement but do not let it dominate the day,

Same with your dad. Work out what you can do for him in your available time and create a realistic routine. If you can not visit then you can phone, etc
Threats to jobs are best dealt by not speculating. Carryon working and see where it goes. If you lose your job then deal with that when it happens.
This is all about you feeling you are losing control and the best way to deal with this is to demonstrate that you are achieving things every day.
And have at least 30 mins a day completely for yourself, either out for a walk or reading sat in the car or park or even just browsing a shop, anything that is just for you.
It will get better and you will feel stronger at the end of this.

As above I think "how are you?" Is mostly a polite meaningless greeting. I've answered it in various ways over the years when struggling, fine, still alive, surviving, hanging on, cold, tired, hot, by asking them how are you? It's mostly in passing and even if I wanted to talk about how I really am, which I mostly don't, I wouldn't because I'd just start crying.

I wouldn't read anything into these moments, it doesn't reflect what your friendships are actually like. A lot of people have their own worries and concerns they're caught up in. Someone not reacting to you not answering a greeting is not a huge of the strength of your relationships. If you need to talk try to reach out, start with a smaller worry if things feel overwhelming.

@ClareBlue Thanks, I know you are right.