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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him phone DS

26 replies

bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 09:35

NC for this! I've posted before about my ex, DS dad. We have been split up for 5 years, DS is 8.

During the time we have been split up, he has been difficult and there has been times I have had to report him to the police - harassment and causing a scene outside my house and a neighbour once reported him for grabbing up up against a wall - that incident was 4 years ago.

Up to now I haven't actually had him arrested but I did move house and he wasn't meant to know my new address - but DS accidentally told him as he didn't know the situation.

Despite this, DS does see his dad regularly - weekends and half holidays.

We had an issue the weekend before half term where he was meant to collect DS from a meeting point. He was 40 mins late and didn't call or answer phone to say where he was. I had things to do after that I was running late for so said to meet me closer to mine or where I would be later, which was closer to him. He said he is not doing that and I should drop DS to his house 45 min away - which I refused. I wasn't budging so reluctantly he came to meet closer to mine - except he came to my road and was very very angry (he didn't get his way) - he banged down my door really loudly then after I had let DS he out (I waited a few mins thinking he would go back to the car), tried to force his way into my house to 'talk' to me. He had no reason to leave his car. At this point I'm trying to shut the door with no luck as he is blocking it and I'm also trying to film and call police on my phone - he hits my hand with force, making my phone drop and smash against the floor.

I did report him to the police and he should be getting arrested and a non-molestation order is being put into place so he will not be able to speak or contact me at all.

The issue now is he wants to speak to our son nightly and I originally said via his dads girlfriend that when DS says he wants to speak to him I will let him call his dads girlsfriends number as I have his number blocked but only when DS asks not when his dad wants to talk.

I did this yesterday (only for DS!), however now I am refusing to do that and have said he cannot speak to DS until he fixes my phone. I feel bad for DS as he does love his dad and he sometimes like to speak to him (a lot of this is down to 'dad will be angry if I don't call him!), however I feel like he has completely taken the piss having broken my phone. I haven't spoken to his dad since it happened as all contact has gone though his girlfriend. She doesn't know if he will pay for it and he has lied to DS that I broke my own phone! (An iPhone worth over £1000!). I'm not sure if he has been arrested yet but the only way to make him pay is if it goes to court - strong chance it won't.

AIBU for saying until he repairs my phone he cannot speak to DS on the phone (which he broke!!).

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/06/2021 09:43

Wow that's a lot for you to handle.

I would try and find a way for ds to ring his dad even if its a cheap payg. Its not ds fault and you don't want to look obstructive if goes to court about with holding contact - crap I know.

user1488622199 · 08/06/2021 09:43

“AIBU for saying until he repairs my phone he cannot speak to DS on the phone (which he broke!!).”

I’m really sorry, sounds like your ex is a complete and utter nightmare and you have every right to be upset and annoyed hut I don’t think you can do this. As galling as it must be (and I am in awe of parents like you who put up with so much shit to ensure their children have a relationship with their other parent, despite the personal emotional and financial cost), unless you have no other means of supporting contact I don’t think you can hold your son to ransom. The other point to consider is would your ex use this against you? I.e. mummy won’t let me speak to you…he seems like the kind of arsehole to completely push the blame elsewhere. I think you need to play the long game here.

I hope he gets a knock on the door soon, and that you have plenty of real life support.

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2021 09:44

Id also try and get cctv put up at your front door

Scrambledcustard · 08/06/2021 09:48

Thats actually really scary. I dont know much about the law but if there is a non molestation order being put in place I wouldn't facilitate any phone calls.

I'm not sure what to do about the phone, he deserves to pay for it but the likelihood he will is slim.

I think if this was me I'd be going on to email contact only for you and your son.Its sad that your son can't speak to his dad daily but it really isn't your fault. Your ex sounds really dangerous.

Original poster
bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 09:49

I am getting a ring doorbell installed and I'm not stopping visits but they will have to be done via school or girlfriend.

I feel like he is using the phone to again keep some control of the situation as in I broke your phone but you still have to let me speak to DS on it otherwise your the bad one.

I feel like I'm going to end up relenting which is what I have always done in the past and why I have never got him arrested or an order put in place before :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 09:50

Email contact would work and can help DS with his writing and tech skills which would be a plus..

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 08/06/2021 09:53

Oh what an awful man. Surely if he has broken your phone then you have nothing on which your son can speak to his dad? If he doesn't mend yours or buy a new one then that's that. He will probably buy your son a cheap phone for speaking to him but you could try small claims court for the cost of repair or replacement of your phone. He's not doing himself any favours by behaving like such a tool and your son will notice this.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/06/2021 09:56

Well, if you don't have a phone because he broke it then there is no way for him to ring his dad.

But if you have replaced the phone I think I would let your ds ring his dad if he wants.

Clearly the ex is a total shit.

Aprilwasverywet · 08/06/2021 09:56

Even without all the abuse no court would make you have ds available for phone calls daily. You have a right to enjoy ds in your contact time. My exh tried to demand similar..

Original poster
bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 10:00

The screen is smashed so it still works to talk etc but Face ID and the selfie cam doesn't work

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 08/06/2021 10:08

He broke your phone. You have no phone, therefore ds can’t speak to him. Surely as a grown adult he realises there are consequences to breaking something. I know it may be harsh for your ds, but perhaps he should know that daddy broke your phone.

gonnabeok · 08/06/2021 10:18

OP this is criminal damage of your phone. Speak to the police officer who is dealing with your case and tell them you want criminal damage added to your complaint. They can then submit a claim for compensation if it goes to court. Get a crime reference number for it.

Scrambledcustard · 08/06/2021 10:19

@bubblybubbly00

Email contact would work and can help DS with his writing and tech skills which would be a plus..
Go for it then. I think there is even an app called Family wizard or something ( not sure if kids can use it) but parents talk directly through that and I think it might be moderated. Then you could cut out having to speak to the girlfriend as well.

Your safety comes before your ds need to speak to his dad on the phone. Tbf I think its just another way for your ex to be in your life with daily phone calls especially if its on your phone. Do they FaceTime or phone call? My ex used to FaceTime my phone when he wanted to see the kids so I'd just have to pass the phone to my kids. I felt like it was an invasion in to my privacy even though we were actually on good terms. DD would carry the phone around the house showing me looking like a bag of shite.

I set up an Alexa in the kids bedroom so now they just say 'Alexa call dad' and they can speak to him up there. Which made the FaceTime calls disappear as they harass him all day Grin

Mix56 · 08/06/2021 10:22

"He broke your phone, you have no phone"... exactly.

Cadent · 08/06/2021 10:22

I agree with you, don’t help this cunt and get your money for the phone.

BillyIsMyBunny · 08/06/2021 10:26

I would not let him call you on your phone. I would get DS a cheap pay-as-you-go phone with no functions aside from call or text and let him speak to DS through that only.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 08/06/2021 10:27

You can’t let an 8 year old child use a phone with a smashed glass screen. Suppose he injures himself? Just no.

Original poster
bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 10:28

Two weeks before this happened and in the past I have asked His dad to buy him a phone so it doesn't go through my phone. His dad used to called repeatedly until I answered sometimes up to 10 missed calls. I would block him and he stopped doing that as I'd block him every time and warn him it's harassment.

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 08/06/2021 10:33

A violent, abusive prick does not get to demand that he can invade your home and harrass you with his phonecalls just because you share a child. He's doing this deliberately. Either he buys your son a phone on which he can contact him at an agreed time, so you can give the phone to your son at 6 every evening or whatever (but personally I think even that is asking too much of you) or he doesn't get to speak to him. You do not have to put up with harrassment from your abuser just because he wants you to. I'd let the police know about this, too, so they've got the full picture of what an arsehole your ex is.

Tlollj · 08/06/2021 10:36

How the fuck has he got a girlfriend 🙄
Anyway that’s not what you asked. No doubt you’re aware he doesn’t actually want to speak to your dc just wants to be a cunt to you. I would maybe buy a cheap pay as you go and let him ring on that at certain rearranged times. Keep it somewhere away from your dc so he can’t ring at other times.
You have to be seen doing the right thing.

Tlollj · 08/06/2021 10:37

Actually @Waspsarearseholes had it right he can buy a pay as you go.

BlankTimes · 08/06/2021 11:02

Email contact would work and can help DS with his writing and tech skills which would be a plus

Email contact would give you a written record of everything your ex says to your DS which could be very useful to you. Copy all their conversations.

Original poster
bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 11:25

Honestly I don't know how he has a girlfriend - she is actually reasonable and I quite like her! But she was in the car when it happened and I showed her my phone just after it happened and she heard the commotion but now she isn't convinced that I didn't smash my own phone! Narcissists are very convincing and he's still making me out to be the crazy unreasonable one!

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblybubbly00 · 08/06/2021 11:27

He would be very careful with his emails. I used to listen in on their conversations sometimes and I didn't like how he used to make DS feel bad for forgetting to call. I've told him to blame me for not being able to call so he doesn't get the brunt of it from his dad. He is starting to see what his dad is like and has his own coping strategies which is sad.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 08/06/2021 11:37

@BillyIsMyBunny

I would not let him call you on your phone. I would get DS a cheap pay-as-you-go phone with no functions aside from call or text and let him speak to DS through that only.
Agree with this.
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