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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to split over this

22 replies

boogiebogie · 08/06/2021 09:02

Have been with OH forever... 20 plus years. Wonderful weekend away... On way home a few issues led to him calling me a fing cn. I should say i did two silly things... Forgot i had a heavy load on board and slammed brakes to stop as vehicle wasn't slowing and doh then drove through our local speed camera a bit over and got flashed. Obvs feeling a tit for doing this... It is always the same... His reaction to my mistakes makes me feel utterly rotten. He says it is because i can't stand the thought of what i have done.. It isn't. It's his unloving reaction to my doings. He says he is fed up with my doing such things... I say he can fc off and it's over....

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/06/2021 09:05

Of course you’re not unreasonable to end it because he’s not kind or affectionate or nice to you

Mumdiva99 · 08/06/2021 09:06

I had a horrid drive home from holiday I'm the rain...took ages....picked up cats from cattery.....oh stressed as he was getting late for the doctors. Hit a curb. 5 miles later flat tyre, kids and cats and OH in car....needing wees....he was getting more stressed. I cost us £110. At no point point did he swear at me or resort to calling me names. Shit happens. It wasn't your fault. Yes we all have a quick stress reaction but then he should have calmed down and supported you.

(I sorted my OH, cat and kids out first before sorting the car. By the time I got home OH was fine and kind to me.)

Moonshine11 · 08/06/2021 09:07

Whilst being called that is awful and I don’t see the need for being called that after a couple of mistakes that we would all do.
I think leaving him for him seems abit OTT maybe?
If I was called that yeah I’d be annoyed and hurt but I wouldn’t walk out on my 20 year relationship for it.
Is there other things that are making you unhappy and this is the cherry on top of the cake?

LunaNorth · 08/06/2021 09:07

God, get him in the sea. He sounds awful.

Moirarose2021 · 08/06/2021 09:07

You can split for any or no reason, wanting to split is good enough reason

Deadleaf29 · 08/06/2021 09:10

If I was being driven by someone doing quite dangerous things and passing them off as little “mistakes” I might swear at you in fear/the heat of the moment too. Unless there’s a massive backstory I think you’re overreacting, but if you want to split up you can, you don’t need a reasonable excuse approved by strangers on the internet.

longwayoff · 08/06/2021 09:10

You had a wonderful weekend with someone who calls you a fucking cunt? You'd have had better without him. You really are worth more than this.

Original poster
boogiebogie · 08/06/2021 14:41

Arrr thank you everyone. I am gonna sit with it for a bit... 20 years is a long time, however his intolerance of any stulidity is a thing! Whether it's me or someone else he just can't stand it. I just don't understand being able to hurt anyone. If i saw someone hurting i would want to love and help them... I just don't get being cross and nasty it isn't in my make up. O don't think he will be able to change this... So i sit with it for now... Thanks for replies..

OP posts:
MissCruellaDeVil · 08/06/2021 14:45

If he loses it over something so simple, you've already lost him. Are you married, any DC?

Honeypickle · 08/06/2021 14:45

There’s a big difference between calling out someone’s (potentially dangerous) behaviour as fucking stupid and calling someone (your partner!) a fucking cunt. I wouldn’t be thrilled with the first one but would accept it but wouldn’t stay with anyone who did the latter. It shows contempt, lack of respect and no love at all.

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2021 15:05

On my first day out on my own just after passing my test I crumpled the door on his car round a pillar in a car park.

I called him in a panic. His first words were ‘are you ok?’ Then ‘it’s just a starter car - don’t worry’.

AGirlsGotToDo · 08/06/2021 15:10

Is this something that happens regularly Op? Or a one off? Obviously I'm not saying tolerate his crap if its a one off but if its constant, then its abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. He shouldn't be calling his life partner those names.

Faranth · 08/06/2021 15:14

Do you perhaps make these 'little mistakes' because there's a complete tosser in the seat next to you judging what millisecond you turn the indicator on, that you're going too slow at 29mph in a 30, but too fast at 31, or what route you're taking etc etc etc and you're constantly trying to preempt him huffing and puffing or swearing about something or other?

Do you in fact drive perfectly well when he's not in the car?

MilduraS · 08/06/2021 15:38

On its own, it sounds like a small reason to give up on 20 years of a happy marriage. We all have awful days. Though I've never called my DH a nasty name I've certainly thought it (hard) on a few occasions.

On the other hand, if he often blows up at you like this, it's not petty and it's not a happy marriage. I'd let my DH call me a name like that once and once only. Then I'd make it very clear that if it happened again I'd walk away without a second thought. It's one thing to think it in the heat of the moment and another to actually lash out.

Normando91 · 08/06/2021 16:04

Oh this brings back memories. My ex used to scream at me and call me all sorts of things for stuff like this. I remember agreeing to drive him to a friends for a night once, he wanted to take a few bottles of beer in a plastic bag and I asked him to make sure it was on the floor of the back of the car. I had to brake hard at one point and the beers that he had so kindly placed on the backseat itself, rolled off and one smashed- my car so my problem to deal with the smell for a while- and he absolutely flipped out at me. There were plenty of other similar times too. Wish I’d ended it long before I did. There’s absolutely no reason whatsoever that your partner should ever be speaking to you like that. He clearly has little respect for you and why should you have to put up with that in your life and relationship???

BlueDucky · 08/06/2021 16:11

You can split for any or no reason. Do you want to stay with him?

BlueSurfer · 08/06/2021 16:13

It sounds like it’s an accumulation of things and this was the (potential) final straw.

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2021 16:27

Well I hate those words but I can imagine dh saying FFS

mbosnz · 08/06/2021 16:31

So he never, ever makes a silly error? Somehow, I don't believe that. I bet he's a lot more tolerant of his mistakes, though. . . that would be different, wouldn't it?

CutieBear · 08/06/2021 16:32

Was this a one off? As in he shouted it after you did 2 very dangerous things in one car journey? He was probably angry after the first thing, and then you speeding past a camera was the last straw. I’d probably call someone stupid for doing these things.

Atalantea · 08/06/2021 21:24

How bad were you driving that got him so upset?

Does this happen a lot (both your driving and/or his shouting)?

Original poster
boogiebogie · 09/06/2021 09:18

It has happened about say 10 times in our 20 years. We had counselling which helped loads about 4 years ago. I don't drive badly at all... Just forgot the sand was in the back and that it would take longer to stop... However he says is he not allowed to be annoyed about things? Says we can't all be buddha like and that i would forgive fred west... Bit extreme... But i am very loving and forgiving and cannot imagine speaking to anyone like this.. Although he says i have called him this in a row.. It's possible... It happened the other week on our way out, i went the wrong way and he got all stroppy and annoyed. I do feel like i am afraid to make mistakes now... For a while... Although this is also my childhood pattern, so aware of that. I am sad and withdrawn... He is just getting on with building our house which is happening around us... Not easy to know what to do.

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