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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Swapping Child days

23 replies

Ohdear12345 · 07/06/2021 18:16

Partner has been divorced 5 years, me 6 years and we both have teenage kids with our ex spouses. We see eachother alternate weekends when we dont have the kids which works really well.

I have asked him twice in our 3 year relationship to deviate from the schedule , the first I had an accident and went to hospital and the second is my sisters upcoming wedding. He has a difficult relationship with his ex wife and is too worried about asking her to swap occasional days to ask her, so doesn't. I really want him to ask if she will be happy to swap on this one occasion but I'm obviously biased...am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 07/06/2021 18:22

No YANBU OP. He should just ask.

Original poster
Ohdear12345 · 07/06/2021 18:43

Thank you DeflatedGinDrinker

OP posts:
BlueDucky · 07/06/2021 18:53

He should ask but with no expectation that it will be ok

cupsofcoffee · 07/06/2021 18:56

He should ask, but equally if she says no, you need to accept that without a fuss :)

Peace43 · 07/06/2021 18:59

He should ask, ex and I swap now and then for convenience

colouringcrayons · 07/06/2021 19:00

I think YA potentially BU if there is a difficult relationship. depends how difficult really.

Regarding the wedding do you want to swap because you want his children to be able to attend or want them not to be able to attend? If the former you are less unreasonable than if the latter, because it is always nice to include children.

Happygolucky444 · 07/06/2021 19:03

My sister has never met his children so it would just be him as my plus one. His kids are 14, 16 and 19 at old boys so not sure they would want to come anyway.

Happygolucky444 · 07/06/2021 19:03

Thanks all x

Youseethethingis · 07/06/2021 19:04

OP doesnt get to decide to "include" her own children at someone else's wedding, never mind children unrelated to the bride or groom 🙄

cupsofcoffee · 07/06/2021 19:04

@Happygolucky444

My sister has never met his children so it would just be him as my plus one. His kids are 14, 16 and 19 at old boys so not sure they would want to come anyway.
At those ages, can you not just leave them at home and go anyway?
Happygolucky444 · 07/06/2021 19:04

Cups of coffee.. I agree totally!

ejhhhhh · 07/06/2021 19:13

I'm confused, is Happygolucky444 the OP?

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to ask his ex, but you might need to be prepared to go to the wedding on your own if a switch isn't possible. If there's other childcare available that might be an option, although your DSC may well feel quite left out. Given the circumstances, if it's the only way your OH can attend, I don't think it would be unreasonable for your DSC to attend the wedding, even if they haven't met your sister (is that the case?).

Happygolucky444 · 07/06/2021 19:15

Thanks I agree... yes for some reason my username has changed to an old one?!

I wouldn't mind if he asked and she said no as I'd go alone , but it's the fact he is avoiding asking.

ejhhhhh · 07/06/2021 19:25

Ah, I see! Yes, it is annoying that he won't ask. Is their relationship very difficult? I have known ex partners with kids to not even talk to each other, so can see how in some scenarios it's a no go.

Merlotmum85 · 07/06/2021 19:25

Maybe he could arrange a babysitter or ask the older teens to look after the younger teens and go to the evening do as a compromise? If they're teenagers they'll probably be plugged into their devices anyway. Not ideal for a 'dad' weekend but as a one off might be worth considering.

cupsofcoffee · 07/06/2021 19:28

@Happygolucky444

Cups of coffee.. I agree totally!
Why won't he just leave the teens home alone? It's not like they need a babysitter at those ages.

Or does he just not want to go and is making excuses?

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 07/06/2021 19:58

Why do weekends need to be "swapped" at that age? My kids are 15&13 and their dad just arranges with them when they're going to stay at his for the weekend. The 19 year old is an adult really, I just can't imagine my son still doing every other weekend sleepovers at 19. It stopped being so rigid and being more led by the kids a couple of years ago now

Lachimolala · 07/06/2021 20:04

Can’t the 19yo keep an eye on the younger 2 for the day/evening? I mean he’s pretty much an adult and I’m sure they’ll be fine at that age.

colouringcrayons · 07/06/2021 20:04

@Youseethethingis

OP doesnt get to decide to "include" her own children at someone else's wedding, never mind children unrelated to the bride or groom 🙄
Obviously not Hmm but I was wondering if the kids had been invited.
ColaOlaLa · 07/06/2021 20:06

Mad how wrapped up kids are these days, I lived alone at 16 how can teenagers not be ok for a few hours alone? Unless there is SN

colouringcrayons · 07/06/2021 20:06

@Happygolucky444

Thanks I agree... yes for some reason my username has changed to an old one?!

I wouldn't mind if he asked and she said no as I'd go alone , but it's the fact he is avoiding asking.

I would assume he sees his children as the priority. TBH, I think that is fair enough, that would be my priority too if I didn't see them all the time.
Couldhavebeenme2 · 07/06/2021 20:10

He should deffo ask. 100%.

And if his ex refuses to swap, make a mental note to never, ever swap his weekend again if she needs a favour bitter experience

Happygolucky444 · 08/06/2021 16:48

Thanks all xxxx

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