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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stalking ? Aibu ?

22 replies

simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 17:40

My friend broke up with her boyfriend 6 months ago,he ended it with her.
She is still not over him.
I don't know why because he is blooming awful.
Treated her the worst of the worst
Anyway..
She's told me she plans on trying to "accidentally" bump into him
She is going to go near where he works to some local shops on the off chance he sees her.

How on earth do I tell her this is a bad idea?
Do I say she is turning stalkerish ?

OP posts:
Phoenix121 · 07/06/2021 17:41

Yes, you say just that.

Peach01 · 07/06/2021 17:46

Don't say that, it's the heartache making her behave desperate. I don't mean she's a desperate case!

Just tell her, it's a terrible idea. He's made the call to break up with her and it'll make it 10x worse if she does this. He'll see right through it. If he wanted to see her he would be getting in touch. She'll set herself back so much of she does this. She's doing herself no favours and it'll end in tears.

Are they still in contact?

WellLarDeDar · 07/06/2021 17:50

You much just have to outright say it .. maybe in a light-hearted voice :s that's a really tough one but you're right. Super stalkerish

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 17:51

@Peach01 no they aren't still in contact.
He ended it then got back in contact then he disappeared again.
She lives 20 mins away too so it's not like she would be in the area.

She's normally sensible and has her head screwed on
She just wants him to see her and thinks it will make a difference

OP posts:
Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 17:51

She deserves so much better than him anyway.
He's an absolute looser.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 07/06/2021 17:53

[quote simplybedtt]@Peach01 no they aren't still in contact.
He ended it then got back in contact then he disappeared again.
She lives 20 mins away too so it's not like she would be in the area.

She's normally sensible and has her head screwed on
She just wants him to see her and thinks it will make a difference [/quote]
Make a difference in a way that he'll change his mind or does she think she'll feel better?

Peach01 · 07/06/2021 17:58

What if she goes and hes not even been to work or she just doesn't see him? Or he could see her from a far and go in the opposite direction. Her mission won't be accomplished. Once she's done it once it'll be easier to do it again. Or, if she does see him and he's pleasant to her she'll read into it too much and will perpetuate it all.

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 18:00

@Peach01 I don't have a clue.
I just think she's going to make a total fool of herself.
He isn't stupid
I'm sure he will click on why she's there.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 07/06/2021 18:36

Definitely. Tell her straight, if she doesn't listen tell her she'll look like a stalker and you're not saying that to offend her, you don't want him having ammo.

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 19:23

I've told her she needs to live her life and show him she's ok.
He won't want her back if he thinks she's insane will he.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/06/2021 19:28

If anyone did that to me, no matter what sex, I would be pretty unhappy and started watching my surroundings consciously. As pp said. If she does it now, it will be easier to do it again. And again. And again.
"Heartache" isn't an excuse tbh

It's not ok. It's not romantic no matter what movies say.

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 19:38

@SchrodingersImmigrant I think she thinks because it's not going to his house it's ok.
I said the same but she said it's just near his work ..so what harm is it

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 07/06/2021 19:51

Embarrassingly this sounds like me when I was about 18 Blush although it was a few days after we split not months!

He’s only going to think she’s a nutter, you’re right.

EssentialHummus · 07/06/2021 19:53

I’m not sure I’d use the stalker angle tbh. If this was my friend I’d want her to understand that it’s beneath her for this guy to be squatting in her head like this and she should be actively trying to move on from him rather than engineer opportunities to meet.

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 20:13

Would you just let her get on with it ?
She is probably going to do it anyway
And I guess the chances of her running into him are slim to none anyway so no harm.

OP posts:
PollyPepper · 07/06/2021 20:19

She's on slippery ground. Stalking/harassment, especially domestic related are taken seriously and it only needs to be 2 or more occasions to meet the criteria of the latter, doesn't matter where it is.

Does she have any mental health issues?

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 20:31

Not that I know of no.
Is it actually classed as stalking?
I wish I could tell her to just get a grip but that wouldn't go down well

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 07/06/2021 20:40

I did something similar when I was 21. I would go out of my way in hopes that I'd bump into him. It never worked, and in the end I gave up.

That said, we did live in the same part of London 😅

PollyPepper · 07/06/2021 21:02

@simplybedtt

Not that I know of no. Is it actually classed as stalking? I wish I could tell her to just get a grip but that wouldn't go down well
Yes, it could be classed as harassment if there are x2 more that amount to a course of conduct. Anymore than that and you get into stalking territory. I understood why she would want to, I really do, and like others I can see myself doing something similar when I was much younger! How old is she?
excuseforfights · 07/06/2021 21:13

Maybe she just needs to do it, cringe and get it out of her system. Hopefully she will back out when she gets there before he sees her.

I did something similar when I was younger. I saw on social media where he was going to be with a group of people including a new girl that I had a feeling he liked, drove 1 hour to the venue, stood at the bus stop opposite the venue in a hoodie and sunglasses to spy on him Grin

Now I look back and think I must have been mad! Thankfully my only stalkerific experience.

Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 21:38

She's 31 so not a teenager or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
simplybedtt · 07/06/2021 21:39

I just know he will see her and realise what she's doing.
It's a area where lots of people don't exactly gather.

OP posts:
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