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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd's boyfriend making up sexual lies!

26 replies

pseudoliberal · 07/06/2021 16:31

I'm new here but really need advice as I'm really not sure where to go from here.

My dd is 14. She's been dating a boy, also 14 for a couple of months but previously they both were good friends.

When they became good friends I met his mum and she told me that his behaviour had improved so DD was a good influence.

When DD went back to school in March, however, her attitude changed and she started being rude to teachers, not doing homework and disrupting her lessons. Although now her behaviour has improved. At the time DD's boyfriends mum (were friends) also told me that her son had been fighting at school and had been excluded, he also seems a bit controlling. Whenever DD is our with her others friends and not him, he seems to get annoyed at DD (I look at her phone and she knows this).

Just before half term, he told his mates that DD had sex with him. DD was upset about this and I reported it to her head of year and he then admitted he was lying but ‘didnt know why’. His mum didnt believe it and told me DD was probably ‘confused’ (even though he admitted it!) He then apologised to DD and things were fine.

DD got home from school today and told me that one of the days last week she was on facetime to him and he asked her to show him something. DD told me she said no and he kept asking. She told me she felt uncomfortable so she just hung up and started ignoring his messages. He then apologised to her and said he ‘didn't mean it’ (DD didn't tell me this at the time) and he didn't ask again. However, today he told his friend that she did show him and after school some of the boys from her year were saying things to her. She then asked her boyfriend why he was lying as she didn't show him and he told her that she did so he's not lying. Dd is obviously upset and I really don't know what to do!!

Should I tell his mum? Any advice will be appreciated as I can't believe this us happening again

OP posts:

jellybeansforbreakfast · 07/06/2021 16:41

Your DD needs someone she can trust to tak to, someone who can help her understand that he is a coercive gobshite, a dangerous man in the making.

Can you point her towards school counsellors? And could you contact her tutor and/or the safeguarding lead? This is more than she can cope with and more than you can control. You both need help.

Best of luck.

jellybeansforbreakfast · 07/06/2021 16:43

Sorry, to answer your question no! Mum has had her chance and has shown that she cannot see him and his actions clearly, even when he admits his culpability. She won't help oyou or your DD and may make things worse as she tries to protect her son from the intervention he so very clearly needs. You need to let the school know about that too.

Taoneusa · 07/06/2021 16:45

Now’s the time to tell her he isn’t a suitable boyfriend, explain to her he is waving red flags : he is a liar and a braggart and the very opposite of a gentleman.
Tell dd to dump him pronto and there is her first lesson in dodging crappy bloke behaviour.

Chikapu · 07/06/2021 16:54

She should have been encouraged to end things after the first time he lied about her to his friends, he got away with it and even had the backing of his mum so of course he thought he could do it again.
Does she really want to be with him or is she afraid of what he'll say if she finishes with him?

Feelinghothothottoday · 07/06/2021 17:07

She needs to end it and not see him.

PurpleMustang · 07/06/2021 17:10

You need to tell the school. If you feel.like it give the Mum and heads up saying I am reporting this to the school. Your daughter needs a quick fast lesson on decent behaviour by boys, red flags, warnings on using ft and sending any photos etc. And how if she did once sent it is no longer in her control. There was a brilliant documentary on TV the other week of a girl finding her insta pics were being sold about without her knowledge, but can't remember what it was called. And he needs to be warned if he is found with a pic of her or passes it on he would go on the sex offenders register if police were told. He is treading a thin line.

itsgettingwierd · 07/06/2021 17:16

@jellybeansforbreakfast

Your DD needs someone she can trust to tak to, someone who can help her understand that he is a coercive gobshite, a dangerous man in the making.

Can you point her towards school counsellors? And could you contact her tutor and/or the safeguarding lead? This is more than she can cope with and more than you can control. You both need help.

Best of luck.

Excellent post and advice.

He is emotionally abusing her and she needs a safe ear to listen to her.

Don't go to the mum. It needs to be someone impartial and she needs to see an apology is just words. His actions are dangerous.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/06/2021 17:21

God he sounds exactly like my 14 year olds ex. Thankfully my DD had the sense to break up with him after the first incident. It wasn't easy for her as she crazy about him but she knew what he'd done was wrong.

Surely you encouraged her to end it after he lied about having sex?

Original poster

pseudoliberal · 07/06/2021 17:31

Yes I did try to encourage her to break up with him after the first time but she told me it was fine as he apologised and she loved him.

OP posts:

MaybeCrazy2 · 07/06/2021 17:39

Will she break up with him now? Or is twice still not enough for her to see what a little shit he is?

Original poster

pseudoliberal · 07/06/2021 18:38

She's still saying she doesn't want to break up with him as she loves him and apparently he's now apologised and told her that he'll tell them that he was lying

OP posts:

PhatPhanny · 07/06/2021 18:47

This will rinse and repeat, how can your DD have 'firsts' and then he goes running to his friends bragging.

I hope she sees sense and learns she's worth more.

2bazookas · 07/06/2021 18:50

He cannot get away with this sexual harassment and control. Tell his Mum, and head of year, again. Also tell the Mum and School that if there is ANY further sexual harassment of your daughter it will be reported to the police.

jellybeansforbreakfast · 07/06/2021 18:52

Please make sure she is FULLY aware that his next step will probably be to ask for photographs... make sure she has strong enough boundaries, self respect to tell him to fuck off!

LadyJaye · 07/06/2021 18:59

@2bazookas

This.

Also, remove 14-year-old child's phone, block number, block any social media contact from Future Mini Creep etc.

Phone time is limited to school hours / early evening only and you have carte blanche on any and all interactions.

'But I love him!' - for heaven's sake. YOUR CHILD is 14 years old, you are the parent. By all means inform and involve the school, FMC's parents, police if you must, but ultimately, this is YOUR CHILD.

Phaton · 07/06/2021 19:46

I'm shocked at his mums reaction!

We had similar with DS at the same age (asking his girlfriend for pictures) and her mum told me before reporting it to the school and me and DP had a good chat with him about how it's illegal and he could get into alot of trouble etc and he apologised to her and never did it again. I would've never dismissed it.

I'd definitely report it to the school tomorrow and then the police if he does anything else OP

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/06/2021 20:14

Can you point her towards some of the info for teens on healthy and unhealthy relationships? There isnt much ahead can do about a 'he said / she said' situation without other witnesses. Eventually he will say it enough times and people will believe some of it. Any thing she does do with him will become public knowledge. Could she record any conversations if they make her feel uncomfortable so she has some sort of proof or does whatever platform they chat on alert them?
She cant change his behaviour and there is a risk its going to happen again, literally the only way she can control this is stepping away from him

Original poster

pseudoliberal · 07/06/2021 20:49

I will phone the school tomorrow. If I take DDs phone they'll still see each other at break and lunchtimes and in lessons etc. They also get the same bus. I also don't want to force them apart as that'll probably make them even closer

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/06/2021 20:57

You don't need to "force" them apart. What you do need to do is take some responsibility and talk to your daughter. I'm guessing you said nothing when you saw messages on her phone from him annoyed at her hanging out with others? Clearly you didn't say much the first time he went to his mates talking shit about her. Your daughter needs to learn to have some self respect!!

Does she know you're going to school with this? Please tell me you've at least spoken to her about that and told her WHY it needs to be taken further. He's on track to be a sex pest and she needs to know it.

Original poster

pseudoliberal · 08/06/2021 06:50

Yes, I did speak to DD after the first incident and I told her I'm going to the school but she told me not to as he's sorry and he told her he wont do it again.

OP posts:

NotATreacleTart · 08/06/2021 07:21

@pseudoliberal

Yes, I did speak to DD after the first incident and I told her I'm going to the school but she told me not to as he's sorry and he told her he wont do it again.

@pseudoliberal and you ignore this as an adult and report it to the school. You know his behaviour is unacceptable, school will also back you up. She needs someone other than her Mum telling her this is wrong. School also need to know that he is still pushing boundaries and not respecting his girlfriend.

It is worrying that she is willing to be treated this way, repeatedly. How many things will he get to do or say and then say sorry about? These are massive red flags.

Is her Dad around at all?

Original poster

pseudoliberal · 08/06/2021 07:31

I will ignore it and I'm going to tell the school. She sees her dad eow

OP posts:

hellywelly3 · 08/06/2021 07:52

To but it bluntly he’s using cohesive control. She’s probably not strong enough to see it. Do what you need to do, she’ll thank you later

pilates · 08/06/2021 08:05

What is concerning is the repeated behaviour. He is not learning it’s unacceptable. That would worry me.

itsamegladon · 08/06/2021 12:39

They may still see each other at school but you control the home environment.

Home should be a safe space.
You need to make sure your daughter witnesses you protecting her boundaries.

I'd put a ban on video chats in private spaces. No more video calls in the bedroom- he cannot be trusted.

If she can't stick to that you can block Those apps.

Sometimes you have to be 'the bad guy' as a parent.

He can't be trusted.

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