DH and making friends in a new area

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Moved to London from abroad during lockdown. While I've met a few mums, DH still doesnt really know anyone. He'll be mostly WFH and is now getting increasingly depressed that he'll never have friends again. We are in our 40s and have lived abroad for the last couple of decades, little kids does mean that free time is precious. He used to be into football but now feels too old. In fact, he feels too old for most things now.

I keep trying to keep positive and tell him that it'll be ok. Does anyone have any tips on how their partners successfully made friends later in life or is DH right that it's just not going to happen?

Does he like any other physical activity? Cycling? Running? Cycling and running clubs are full of 40+ people. Also, can’t he find a “veterans” football team - they do exist.

This is one of the downsides of wfh he needs to find some sort of hobby or volunteering role such as cubs to maybe meet people.

Gyms and running clubs ( Don't have to be a runner at ours I'll be blunt few size of a house and couldn't run if the were on fire) it's brilliant really social and such a range of abilities and NO ONES CARES all welcome .

lovely to see so many ideas. We moved for my job so am feeling extra guilty that he is having a hard time of it

Do you have a local pub? When we moved my DH tried all the local pubs and decided which he liked best them started to attend regularly. He got to know the staff, then the regulars and now has a good group of mates he’s sees weekly. They aren’t close friends as such but they have a laugh and let off steam and message occasionally through the week to make plans.

Lived in London since I was born. Only have 5 good friends as of today. People tend to stick to themselves tbh. Out of the 5, the only friend that I was able to make later in life was a work colleague. The other 4 are Uni friends. (I ghosted my school friends - bad apples tbh).

It is a bit depressing sometimes. I go to gym often but havent made any friends that way in over 3 years!

I think being an introvert makes people avoid me?

Yes, I also think thats why he finds it hard. He grew up in London but moved for uni and never went back. Now we seem to have missed out on the whole London as a young person going out having fun, making friends in your 20s/30s and everyone we knew has moved out once they had kids. We've done the reverse and moved back to London for the grandparents.

DH is a bit shy but always had friends but I guess the usual avenues are sort of over, work, going out is not as easy with kids in your 40s. And while WFH is great for childcare and does suit his personality, socially it is hard.

Can he get involved with some local volunteering - Cubs or scouts groups? Or join the school pta or community council? I think it always takes time to make friends in a new area so it’s a marathon not a sprint and it’s all about finding like minded people who like doing the same things as you and a bit of biding your time.

Does he have any connections in London? Friend of a friend he can meet up with? Husband of one of your friends?

Joing a sports club - football, cycling, runnign, tenis. Join one that has socials afterwards.

Local pubs is a good suggestion.

Get chatty to neighbours.

What about the parents of your children's friends? Get inviting your kids friends and their parents over for a summer BBQ party.

You jsut have to really put yourself out there.

I say you want to join a smallish group. So going to parkrun with 400 people, didn't really meet people as it's too big. Volunteering for it I did because it forces you to interact and you see the same people week after week. And you have common aims which help you to bond. So find a regular opportunity like that with interaction.

I think community volunteering is a great way to access a new social circle. Get him to join the local Facebook page (but not to be a keyboard warrior- they soon get spotted) and look out for shouts for volunteers. Parks, kids schemes, foodbanks, fundraisers. Charity events like mini marathons, fetes, car boot sales etc need volunteer marshals- as do some of the covid pop ups.

If he has a specific skill to offer (bookkeeping, printing, media contacts) he will be in huge demand.

Local to me there is walking football which is really designed as a social activity - no contact, no running. Would be worth a look to give it a go

He can try a quiz night at the local pub. Or join a walking group locally. That way at the very minimum he will be getting out mixing.

Oh, and a number of DHs friends have very active social lives through Round Table/Rotary/Lions/Masons which might appeal depending on the group

If you have youngish kids, I would suggest signing them up for some weekend sports clubs (eg football) and DH take them along - he may then end up chatting to other dads whilst watching.

Or alternatively, you could try meeting up with other parents from your children’s school? If you have a class WhatsApp or similar, I would suggest just posting a message asking if anyone fancies meeting up in the pub one evening!

At 30 years of age, having focused on my career, I turned around and realised that my mates, from school and uni, were no longer in my life. I then WFH for over ten years.

Since then I have made four circles of friends via Meet Up, joining a weekly sports activity, setting up a volunteering activity and doing a training course (it was touchy-feely and they are my closest friends).

Political party if he is interested in politics? I think he would be best to find a club or group or similar that fits his interests and hopefully he will meet people with things in common

Do you have any local pubs?
That's how we made new friends when we moved area. Some pubs will have football teams, pool teams etc. too.

Volunteering.
Running clubs or walking groups.
Go to the gym.
Local pub to watch sports if he's into that kind of thing? He could also see about joining a local darts or pool team while he's there?
Quiz night.
Beach/park/street clean-up groups are always desperate for help.

Placemarking as I'm try to encourage my own DH to be a bit more sociable!

Meet up groups!!

There are literally hundreds in London, catering for all kinds of interests.

I would particularly recommend Over 45 Not Grouchy Old Londoners

@FlowerArranger

Meet up groups!!

There are literally hundreds in London, catering for all kinds of interests.

I would particularly recommend Over 45 Not Grouchy Old Londoners

I agree, Meetup us a great option.

Whereabouts in London are you?

we are in South East London - which is a completely new area for us but couldn't afford to stay close to DGPs.

Lots of great suggestions - made a list and will nudge DH to start working through it. It's a weird situation to be in - had lots of friends where we used to live so will just have to work on rebuilding it all.

Coming back to London as an adult is so strange - it feels like quite a lonely place. For example, love my colleagues but they are all scattered across the South-East. Everyone seems to know people from before while at the same time, constantly moving around. Funny place