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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child asking to be home educated.

27 replies

SocialPhobia21 · 07/06/2021 15:14

Posting for traffic. NC
DS (8) since returning to school in March has been displaying huge signs of anxiety around attending school.
They are fine until it's time to go in and this morning has probably been the worst experience yet. Ds had a complete melt down! He was crying, screaming and running away refusing to go in the gate. Members of staff tried to calm him down outside as did I but nothing seemed to work.
After an hour or so he was so upset that he made himself sick. He was so distressed so I took him home. Once home he seems more relaxed and has sat and read a book and done some handwriting practice after that we had a chat and he has told me that he hates being around groups of people and being in the classroom.
I am now wondering if I should try again tomorrow and see how I get on but to be honest I don't want a repeat of this morning...or should I pull him out of school and get him a tutor?

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 07/06/2021 15:23

I think you have to make a decision about whether you want him to be in school or whether you want to home educate. I don’t think getting a tutor is home educating. There are, I believe, plenty of online communities for supporting HE and groups that meet up. Do you think it’s something you could take on?

The other thing is to try and get to the bottom of the anxiety. He’s had some time at school quite happily presumably, since you say that this has happened since March. Has anything changed since then? It might be useful to try and find out, when he’s calm, what is bothering him and then try to work with the school to put things in place that could relieve the anxiety.

Perhaps he could go in a bit earlier and help around the classroom before everyone else arrives. Maybe he needs a reduced timetable for a while, but the expectation would be that it would be temporary, building up to full time again. If you can work with the school, you might be able to alleviate his worries. But I don’t think a tutor is the answer to full time schooling.

Newuser82 · 07/06/2021 15:23

Hi, sounds really difficult. We have had similar in the past with our son. Has he had any issues going to
School in the past or is this a new thing? What do you feel about home schooling? Have you considered cbt or other forms of counselling? X

Tanaqui · 07/06/2021 15:25

If the root cause is anxiety I think it would be best to address that - you don't want him inadvertently learning that he can just avoid things that make him anxious. Talk to school about taking him in earlier or later, whichever might help, or even maybe half days, and try and get counselling- I am sure Camhs has a huge waiting list, but you might be able to access something, or of course maybe you can afford private? I think home schooling right now might entrench the fear and anxiety for him.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 07/06/2021 15:27

Home education is a huge undertaking so if you do opt for it make sure you know what you're taking on. He'll need educating in all subjects, he'll need a wide variety of social opportunities, sports, arts etc. Since anxiety is an issue he'll need help in dealing with that even if the source of the anxiety (school in this case) has been removed.

I know one family who had a similar issue and home ed, was successful-ish for them. Their DD was so distressed at school that continuing wasn't an option anyway. (compared to the poor girl's experience at school home ed was a glittering success). Their DD was eventually diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and discalcula (sp?) and they were told that usually anxiety and school refusal does have an underlying cause at least at primary age. So I would definitely investigate that whatever decision you make with regards to home education

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 07/06/2021 15:33

Can you afford a full time tutor at home? Do you work? Although some home educators work, in my experience it's quite rare so there are huge financial implications. If you're on Facebook I would join local home ed groups and meet them and also do your research before you decide.

Sirzy · 07/06/2021 15:34

Are school willing to work with you?

It’s fantastic he has been able to verbalise his issue, my concern with homeschooling at this point would be it could easily make the anxiety about being around other people much harder in the long run.

My approach would be to tell him your going to keep him off tomorrow so you and him can talk to school to come up with a plan. Make sure he is involved every step of the way so he knows he can trust you.

Can he go into school with you and just sit in an office/small room and do an activity together? Then add in a member of staff and work to you leaving for short periods of time? Then add in one or two other children? It may take days or weeks to build his confidence back up but he will know he is being listened to. Obviously that type of work depends massively on how supportive his school is.

I would also look to drop off and pick up away from normal times so less people around

SocialPhobia21 · 07/06/2021 15:39

Hi thanks for the replies.
He is under camhs already and told the person assessing him last week that he feels this way. As it was just an assessment we have to wait and see what they recommend moving forward.
DS moved to this school in march, he was fine for the first week but since then has been distressed every morning.
Maybe thinking of tutoring was a bit extreme. I am able to home educate him myself.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 07/06/2021 15:44

Before thinking about home educating (do you even have capacity to do that? I know I wouldn't be able to because I need to work), I would try to see if you can fix the situation so he is more comfortable at school (his current one or a different school).

I was like your ds. I had massive meltdowns about going to school. I'm not even sure why looking back as an adult. I think maybe it was anxiety and I was being bullied a bit and I just preferred to be at home (I mean, who doesn't? most of us would probably prefer a day off to going to work too). My mum's response to it eventually was just to not make me go. I had a lot of absences and then eventually she just stopped taking me. Obviously, this is not the same thing as no one ever attempted to HE me. She would just get up and go to work and leave me either with grandparents or eventually just at home by myself all day (I was probably 10). It was really bad. I missed about 1.5 years of school in total. I think it was just easier for her to go that route than to actually address the problem, which was that I wasn't happy at school. Eventually, I asked to go to a different school and she managed to get me in there, and I was very happy and had a lovely group of friends and did very well academically. For me, being in school was ultimately the better option. I just needed more support and the right environment.

parietal · 07/06/2021 15:55

if you have the capacity to home educate (i.e no full time job outside the home) then go for it. there are various online schools which will give you lesson plans & ideas - more expert MNers can tell you the names.

Howshouldibehave · 07/06/2021 15:59

Sussex have some good info on EBSA if you Google that and have a read; we are seeing a lot of emotionally-based school avoidance since covid in my LA.

Getting a tutor isn’t home education though-there is more to it than that. Are you committed to home education-might it be worth posting for more information on the education board here?

nanbread · 07/06/2021 16:00

What's he under CAMHS for?

Does he have SEN? What assessments have you had done? How has he liked school in the past? Why did he move school?

nanbread · 07/06/2021 16:02

If he hates classroom and being around lots of people it sounds like it could be a sensory issue

ChicChaos · 07/06/2021 16:06

What was the reason for him moving schools, OP? Because that seems to be the starting point for all this so I'm wondering what else he is dealing with at the moment on top of a new school.

Thornrose · 07/06/2021 16:11

I also suggest looking at EBSA resources. We use them at my school.

Like @Howshouldibehave says, there is a real increase in school anxiety/avoidance since coming out of lockdown.

Definitely approach school, they should put support in place. The fact he can express what his anxieties are is half the battle in my experience.

Gliblet · 07/06/2021 16:31

DS9 was seriously distressed by being at school - the environment just wasn't possible for him to actually learn in. He had to choose between coping with being crammed in with 30-odd noisy, energetic kids or learning.

It's definitely worth talking to the school about adapting before completely withdrawing. I'll describe the process we went through and if any of it is helpful then great, but above all trust yourself and your relationship with your son.

After he was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and had a lot of exclusions (illegal ones as we later found out) we gradually worked through:

An EHCP agreeing that the classroom environment wasn't suitable and agreeing 1:1 TA provision during the school day

This effectively meant that DS's social interaction during the day was limited to 2 20 minute breaks and lunchtime. We also found the TA provision hugely variable and very inconsistent. They're not routinely trained in helping kids with neurodivergent diagnoses or anxiety and it's really unfair on both to expect them to work through the curriculum whilst working in a library, small unused office or even a corridor when the child may be so anxious about just going to school that they're in full flight or fight mode from the moment they arrive.

All the way through this school were trying timers, ear defenders, sensory toys, a weighted blanket, special pen grips, everything the SENCO could think of to possible magically unlock his ability to learn in a classroom!

A reduced timetable
When it became clear that DS couldn't cope with the full school day (for him it was such hard work just being there that he couldn't manage to settle back down to learning after the huge stimulation of break times) we requested a reduced timetable. DS would do Maths and English at school, and we would do humanities and science at home. To be honest we usually found that the TA working with DS had managed to coax him through maybe half a maths worksheet and a bit of grammar work during the morning and we did a lot of catching up in the afternoons. He was still tired most of the time just from being in school for half days.

Withdrawing him to home educate
After lockdown, having seen how well he learned at home and knowing how little actual interaction he had with his classmates at school, we unenrolled him. He's absolutely flying through the curriculum now and enjoying it.

His typical week looks like this:

Monday: Maths and English in the morning, Science and German in the afternoon. A run or bike ride at some point through the day.
Tuesday: Maths and English in the morning, German practice, History and Geography in the afternoon. Martial arts class in the evening.
Wednesday: Maths and English in the morning, German practice and a trip to a museum, wildlife park or historical site in the afternoon.
Thursday: Maths and English in the morning, German and Science in the afternoon, Martial arts class in the evening.
Friday: Maths and English in the morning, German practice, History and Geography in the afternoon. Run or bike ride at some point.

We organise playdates with other local home educated kids as often as possible. He's not hugely keen on drawing or sketching but we try to work that in to history, geography and science as much as possible. Once he's properly settled to home ed we'll also talk about music lessons rather than just tinkling about with a ukelele Grin

If you're in the UK and seriously considering home ed, I can recommend the facebook group 'Home education and your local authority: help dealing with officialdom'. There are some very knowledgeable people on there from all over the country and they can give you an idea of how helpful your local authority may or may not be to home educators.

SocialPhobia21 · 07/06/2021 16:32

He moved schools along with his siblings due to a house move late last year. Although the children originally were supposed to start their new school in January, we went into lockdown and so started properly in March.
I understand that a tutor isn't the best idea I am willing to home school him as I am a Stay at home parent.
He is under camhs because he displays anger issues since being at school since March. Is constantly angry, tired and trying to run off. Spoke with Gp who referred him to camhs to see what they can do to help...at the moment he has just had a assessment with them.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/06/2021 16:40

Crikey, I’m amazed that he was seen by CAMHS in such a short time! We are looking at a waiting list of over 6 months in my LA unless the referral is urgent due to things like suicide attempts / self harming, in which case they are seen very quickly.

bofski14 · 07/06/2021 16:43

Education is compulsory. However, school is not. If you can provide your child with a suitable education, then why wouldn't you do that. Every child is different. Not all children thrive in a classroom environment. You know your child best. I wish you all the luck.

Sirzy · 07/06/2021 16:45

@Soontobe60

Crikey, I’m amazed that he was seen by CAMHS in such a short time! We are looking at a waiting list of over 6 months in my LA unless the referral is urgent due to things like suicide attempts / self harming, in which case they are seen very quickly.
I thought that. It’s good to see in some areas things are working as they should.
CaptainCorelli · 07/06/2021 17:00

DD goes to myonlineschooling and loves it. We took her out of school at Easter and she’s much happier and more relaxed since. Online schooling works for her she can concentrate better at home without distractions and is no longer anxious. She’s older than your son so she just gets on with it whilst we work from home, but if you are not working it would be easier to supervise him without having to provide the whole curriculum yourself.

SocialPhobia21 · 07/06/2021 17:10

@Soontobe60

Crikey, I’m amazed that he was seen by CAMHS in such a short time! We are looking at a waiting list of over 6 months in my LA unless the referral is urgent due to things like suicide attempts / self harming, in which case they are seen very quickly.
I was surprised to to be honest that the process has been quite quick. GP made referral 3rd week in March, Phone assessment 3 days later, then assessed last week. No self harm etc.
OP posts:
SocialPhobia21 · 07/06/2021 17:11

@bofski14

Education is compulsory. However, school is not. If you can provide your child with a suitable education, then why wouldn't you do that. Every child is different. Not all children thrive in a classroom environment. You know your child best. I wish you all the luck.
Thank you.
OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 07/06/2021 17:12

Home education is great for some kids. If it's right for your son then id say go for it.

But.....

Right now it's very clear you have an unwell little boy Sad and like all people who are unwell he's entitled to be rung in sick.
If you keep him on roll the school and then LA after 15 days have the responsibility to put in place alternative education.

He may need a very gentle entry into school after a few days or even week or weeks off. As you are a SAHP you can manage this. Maybe just an hour to start with in a room with just a ta. Building up.
Part time timetables are illegal to be forced in a family but in agreement with a school where it's best for a child and with a plan they can be great transition tools.

Id personally take the next 7 weeks slowly. Take his lead and no pressure to attend. Make sure you get it all in writing with school and talk about camhs.

Then see how you both feel. If it's clear he's still feeling unable to attend then you can deregister at end of term and start home schooling from September.

The thing to always bare in mind is that by deregistering the school and La no longer have a duty to support him and sometimes that means access to the right support can be harder to acquire.

I wish you both good luck with whatever path you go down. My ds was where yours was 5 years ago and is a completely different child now. Mainly because I wouldn't let anyone rush me or pressurise me into making rash decisions and I took it slowly and did what ds needed as he needed it.

For us it ended up being some time out and then a new school and I got him an ehcp secured with the support package he needed to be in school included.

SocialPhobia21 · 07/06/2021 17:13

@CaptainCorelli

DD goes to myonlineschooling and loves it. We took her out of school at Easter and she’s much happier and more relaxed since. Online schooling works for her she can concentrate better at home without distractions and is no longer anxious. She’s older than your son so she just gets on with it whilst we work from home, but if you are not working it would be easier to supervise him without having to provide the whole curriculum yourself.
I am glad to hear that your daughter is enjoying online schooling. It seems like such a big step but I have to put DS wellbeing first.
OP posts:
nanbread · 07/06/2021 22:18

Also amazed how quickly you saw CAMHS! What region are you in of you don't mind me asking?

It's great you've identified anxiety as the root of his anger, but it sounds like you need to dig deeper and understand what exactly has triggered it - maybe through play or art therapy if counseling isn't the answer. Sometimes it's a relatively small thing that feels huge to them. Starting a new school in these times must be incredibly hard.

While school is not for everyone it feels like you still have other options to explore before you choose to take him out. Had the school made any adjustments for him yet? Can you explore that?

It probably feels like forever I know but you are in early days with this, and unless you WANT to home ed yourself then definitely do your research into other routes first.

@itsgettingwierd excellent and informative post above has some good advice

There's a website called Not Fine In School which you may want to look at as well.

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