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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Police and DV

20 replies

Fate32 · 06/06/2021 21:42

partner was arrested this week after being reported by me for DV (includes episodes of throttling) he came to visit the house today to see the children and also collect some of his belongings.

I had one phone call from the police yesterday discussing bail conditions and they were going to phone me back to tell me what these were, they never phoned so I phoned this morning and was told yes he got bail yesterday and they had arranged for him to visit me and somebody would contact me, nobody did, the police just turned up, I was told on the phone that the police officer would come to the house first and make sure I was ok before he came in, this didn't happen and I opened the door to my partner. If I hadn't phoned them this morning I would have just opened the door on my partner (the police officer was obviously behind him) This course of action also gave me no opportunity to have somebody else in my house to support me which I thought was a bit poor.

Generally just totally pissed off, especially when they left as the police officer asked if he was ok and ok to drive back and then they were laughing (I don't blame the police officer for being human) but feel very low.

OP posts:
Queenie8 · 06/06/2021 22:31

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do you have any family support?

Please contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence tomorrow morning www.ncdv.org.uk/

They will be able to support you and advise you about course of action.

I was very fortunate to have family, friends and neighbours to look out for me. Legislation changes often and my situation was ten years ago, so I don't want to give you duff advice.

Are you safe and secure at home? Is there any way he can gain access to your property?

Original poster
Fate32 · 06/06/2021 22:36

Thanks, I have currently only told one friend about it so far, I will in due course tell other people.

The house is fairly secure as it has new windows and doors and they are all double locked. He is going to visit the children tomorrow but I will keep out of the way.

OP posts:
Queenie8 · 06/06/2021 22:41

Can your partner gain access via the front or back door with a key?

Please contact NCDV tomorrow, if needs be they can gain a non-molestation order for you, and arrange for a contact centre/3rd party for access to the children.

dandelionwoman · 06/06/2021 22:50

Hello.
I hope you're doing ok, OP.
Are you able to speak to your local DA charity or National DA helpline to get some support/advice & do some safety planning?
They may also be able to refer you to a family law solicitor re safe child contact etc.
I'm not surprised you're feeling low.
It sounds like you have been through a lot & I'm sorry all this has happened to you 💐

Original poster
Fate32 · 06/06/2021 22:51

No he can’t as I have put the key in my side (stops anybody getting in) I really don’t think he would risk his bail conditions by trying to get in and he has taken most of his things (including the toothpaste) he seems to be playing very much the nice guy with the police

OP posts:
Original poster
Fate32 · 06/06/2021 22:52

There is cctv on the property and I get alters if there is any movement outside. I think I will ask him for the alarm fob tomorrow

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 06/06/2021 23:01

What are his bail conditions is he even allowed to have contact with you? The police escort to collect belongings suggests not, in which case he can't come and see the children at your house while you are there. I'm really sorry for your experience unfortunately there is still a long long way to go with police and DA perps , not am and I am finding the new police domestic abuse problem solving teams to be effective and the officers involved trained and passionate about the area of work, but the officer who accompanied him today is likely just an available pc. I've worked in this field for many years and unfortunately some of the police responses I've seen have made me feel sick to my stomach.

KingdomScrolls · 06/06/2021 23:02

*not all

Original poster
Fate32 · 06/06/2021 23:29

He is only allowed to contact me regarding seeing the children and I agreed he can see the children at home - I am not sure if he will be accompanied tomorrow but I did hear the officer say that if he wants to collect any more possessions then he needs somebody with him, the police have advised me to try and keep contact to texts and emails so there is evidence of what has been said.

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 07/06/2021 07:49

That usually means an email text or phone call to discuss pick up and drop off not him being in the same place as you. He'll be in breach of his bail conditions. He needs to take the children out of he wants to see them

justsayso · 07/06/2021 08:06

That's really hard OP and not very good of the police. I can't understand why they drop the ball so often with DV cases.
I had left an abusive relationship following a marac risk assessment with them, and the police got the details wrong and turned up at my house - I wasn't there but my ex was - thereby alerting him to what was happening and the fact that the police were involved, thereby increasing the risk to me as he was very angry that people now knew what was happening.
At the time I had too much on my plate to raise the oversight with them, I just wanted to get him out and get my home back.
I really feel for you.
Perhaps keep a log of police action in case it goes wrong again.
Good luck, it's hard, but you're doing the right thing

Original poster
Fate32 · 07/06/2021 08:09

@KingdomScrolls

That usually means an email text or phone call to discuss pick up and drop off not him being in the same place as you. He'll be in breach of his bail conditions. He needs to take the children out of he wants to see them
He asked in front of police officer to see the children again today and put his son to bed, I said fine and I would keep out of his way and work in the office, nothing was said about me not being there?
OP posts:
Chloemol · 07/06/2021 08:29

You need to make sure that someone is with you in the house if he is coming back to put his son to bed

Personally I would be ensuring a third party takes the kids somewhere else to see them

I would be concerned that he would use the fact you have let him in the house, with no one else there, and let him put the kids to bed against you. ‘ look judge she let me in, she isn’t afraid of me, I didn’t do anything it’s not serious’

Royalbloo · 07/06/2021 08:40

Find out his bail conditions- he may not be allowed in the house with you alone and have to see the kids at a contact centre?

Northernlurker · 07/06/2021 08:56

He throttled you. This is the red flag to end all red flags. It means he has lost any inhibition towards being violent towards you. Violent men are manipulative. Currently he's manipulating you, the police, the kids. He throttled their mother. He doesn't get to come in the house.
Contact his family. Ask them to pick up the kids and drop them back. Make sure somebody is in the house. Preferably a dh of a mate who is built like a small cathedral together with said mate.
You wouldn't let a wolf in to your home in the basis you'd keep out if the way. Don't let him in.
The police should have explained how dangerous this phase is. You need to be ultra careful.

HandfulofDust · 07/06/2021 08:58

Well I have no experience in DV and it's obvious to me that what happened is a bad idea. I'd have thought the police who must be experienced in handling DV cases would have had more sensitivity.

Inertia · 07/06/2021 10:08

It sounds extremely dangerous to allow him back into the house- contact with the children should take place outside the house. Throttling is a huge red flag for escalating danger.

Do you have a police DV contact that you can discuss this with? I would consider calling to say that you felt unable to tell your partner he couldn't come into the house when he put you on the spot , but you feel it's dangerous (and question whether there is a breach of bail conditions).

Original poster
Fate32 · 07/06/2021 15:01

Thanks everyone, another officer who is now dealing with the case has confirmed that he will not be able to enter the house to see the children only to collect them, something that they have not made clear to either of us.

OP posts:
SilverGoblin · 07/06/2021 16:44

It's fucking sick isn't it.

Does not matter what a "father" does to a mother, she is still expected to facilitate him seeing his children because it's sooo unfair to deprive a "doting daddy" of his time with his beloved children.

Lovely doting daddies don't fucking try to strangle mommy.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. This is the most dangerous time, when he is beginning to lose control of you. Stay the hell away from him and please, please, never be alone with him. You cannot trust him one iota.

By the way, I wouldn't let him see the kids without it being court mandated either. It is not unheard of for these abusive bastards to use the kids to get at the woman. Even if they do actually love their kids, it often seems very easy for their desire to hurt their partner to override that love.

Be careful for both you and your children.

Itssosunnyout · 08/06/2021 00:42

Please search for the local dv charity in your area or women's aid. They can support you in your and your children's safety

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