To want children close together?

[TH22]

I currently have a 10 week old. Blessed in that she has been a pretty easy baby so far. Has her moments don't get me wrong, but have been pleasantly surprised at how it's been so far. However, fully aware that it could change at any point and she turns into a nightmare.

I've always wanted my children close together. Can't specifically pinpoint the reason; it's just what I imagined. However, (my) age is definitely playing a part in my thinking. I would like to try for number 2 in the new year. I know that it may not be that simple and could take months (if not years) to fall pregnant again. However, if I fall pregnant relatively soon after trying, I could potentially have an 18 month old and a newborn...

My husband is younger and therefor thinks we should wait a few years. He doesn't see any rush.

Am I mad? For those who have kids close together, is it horrific? If so, did you forget about the pain when they got older and appreciate the closeness in age, or forever regret doing it so soon?

I would love to hear the good, the bad and the ugly!

@ForeverSinging

Mine are 6 years apart and that's bloody close enough.

Seriously, second baby was tough and the only thing that got me through it was having an older child who didn't need me as much as a baby/toddler would.

Agreed. DD1 being an independent and helpful 7yo means I have plenty of time for DD2 whilst she is a baby. DD1 can entertain DD2 for a couple of minutes whilst I get a bottle ready and I get to have more grown up activities with DD1 whilst DH has DD2.

You just cope with what you have though.

I had 3 years between DS1 and DD and then 19 months between DD and DS2. Loved the small gap, we were still very much in baby mode so it didn't seem like a big deal to add another one. Younger two are now 4.5 and almost 6 and they're the absolute best of buddies, do everything together, are into the same things, like playing the same games. Very happy with the decision to go for the small age gap.

I have a 2.5 year gap between DD1 and DS, and an 18 month gap between DS and DD2. I found DD1 easy, addition of DS fine really, arrival of DD2 has been incredibly hard (nothing to do with her, she’s a chilled out easy baby, but just the differing needs of a newborn, an 18 month old and a just turned 4 year old was exhausting. However I knew it would be a relatively short time, baby is 9 months now and it’s already loads easier, I can already see the relationships forming between them all and it’s adorable. DD1 will be at school soon so I think having two rather than three at home will be easier too!

Justinversusmrtumble my 1st and 3rd have a four year gap and although the 3rd is only 9 months so it’s early days, I just adore how much my 4 year old loves her little sister. I have a six year gap between me and my older sister and we’re so close now.

@Justinversusmrtumble

Has anyone got a 3.5-4 year age gap between siblings? What’s that like? (Could potentially be mine) is it too large a gap?

I have a 3 yr 3 month age gap, I don’t consider it large. I consider a large age gap when your kids are so far apart in age they do diff actives, ie. a 5 yr old and an 11 yr old.

I love the age gap for our family, my eldest has nursery days that give me time with my little one, I’ve used my mat leave to spend with my eldest before she starts school in September, my eldest is so excited to be around her sister (they both still watch CBeebies, love bubbles and nursery rhymes still), she’s old enough to understand I sometimes need to feed, she can go to the toilet, get dressed, feed herself- one set of nappies, one buggy: bliss!

I have 4 born in just over 6 years. I love the closeness in age as they are great fun together and really enjoy playing with each other.

Good points:
Never got out of nappy mode.
Never had to dismantle and rebuild the cot, just moved it from room to room.
Got all the baby stage over with in one (albeit longer) go.
Similar stages, so they'll play with the same toys, have the same interests etc. Makes holidays and trips out easier - e.g. going to the cinema, picking one movie that appeals to them all.
They get on really well and even the age difference between the eldest and youngest is small enough that they play together.

Bad points:
Need a double buggy and extra things like car seats that they haven't grown out of before next child needs them.
Busy, busy, busy. Though that is with 4 obviously.
Didn't have a single nappy-free day for around 10 years.
4 pregnancies in 6 years took a toll on my body.

Mine are now a bit older and I love seeing them playing together. They have a lot of fun because they are close in age and have similar interests. My friend has 4 kids but with 3 years between each. She now has an adult, 2 at secondary and 1 at primary and finds it really hard to do family activities that appeal to all of them. I appreciate that is with 4 however.

Also, I grew up with siblings who were very close in age to me and another advantage is that we went through similar life-experiences around the same time as each other (school exams, dating, marriage, kids) which I was glad about as there was support for each other at each stage.

I personally found things too hard to want a close gap, in fact my 2nd baby was a surprise. But I think there are many advantages to it.
I know of many friends who had their kids 18 months apart, I think hard for the first few years but then easier after that.

@RoseGoldEagle Aww that’s so nice to hear, I thought my be a bit too much between then to be close, but in terms of easiness, it sounds easier to me as Dd will be in pre-school/starting school, so I could focus more on the newborn

It's riskier than if you wait 12-18 months before TTC (how much depends on other risk factors), but only you can decide if that risk is worth it to you. Some of the best things in life are risky.

My gaps were 28-34 months which worked well for us - even more now that the kids are older - though it was pushing it for my body that I kept blaming on parenting/pregnancy tiredness. I ended up with some damage from the deficiencies. A full nutritional blood panel if possible to know what to boost prior to TTC can help prevent that.

An 18 month gap is amazing but
1 mine bith run in opposite directions hoping to fall off things at the park

1. I had 2 non walkers at one point
2. DS was not old enough to know to not hit the babysit she takes his toys.

Highly recommend regsrdless

Currently have a newborn and 23month old... honestly... I'd wait until toddler will be around 3. Friends who have a larger gap seem to have it slightly easier with a child a bit more independent and less into tantrums!

@Justinversusmrtumble I have a 3.3 year gap between 1 and 2 and a 4.8 year gap between 2 and 3. Both have worked great for us. I liked being able to enjoy the baby stages fully and give each baby/toddler my full attention/enjoy each new stage. The older ones were out of nappies, could be trusted not to hurt the baby if my back was turned and we had no jealousy. Older ones great at being helpers and choosing baby outfits/passing nappies etc. I had age on my side though as started in my 20s so could enjoy spacing them out!

@Justinversusmrtumble my DD started preschool the day my second was born. She was 3yrs 2 months.
I loved the gap. It has now turned out that my second is being diagnosed with ASD and I really feel I can give them the time needed as the older one is independent.
Also the cost. I work full time and 2 in full time care would have been extremely expensive.

One thing to consider is how you'll manage being pregnant with a baby/young toddler. I have 19 months between mine and found the last trimester a hard slog. Thankfully DD has a good solid afternoon nap so I could sleep too, but looking back I feel like I wasn't a very good mum for the last few months. Can't comment on the age gap much as mine are 2 months and 21 months but it hasn't been the worst. DS sleeps a lot but DDs tantrums have ramped up A LOT. Holding onto the thought that they'll be best friends in future!

17 months apart - not quite planned as wasn’t expecting to conceive so quickly and DC2 was prem
We were aiming for a 2 year gap
Worked wonderfully well - got through so many things at similar ages - I was SAHM for 3-4 years so no horrendous child care costs but easily back on career ladder
They were very close as children and same now at 28 and 29

I have 17 months between DC1 and 2. Just short of 9 years between DC2 and 3. Found it really difficult when DC2 was born and I had quite bad PND. Also struggled when DC3 was born 😂 both age gaps were difficult in different ways.

17 months between my youngest two.
Youngest is now just over 2 and it is JUST getting easier.
Thankfully the little one sleeps like a teenager however my 3.5 year old is now behaving like a teen and it can be hard work!
We had to buy a 7 seater to accommodate two car seats and our older son and a double buggy and now pay two lots of £££ nursery fees.
I look back and wonder how I managed it being heavily pregnant with a toddler who is built like the Incredible Hulk and wants picking up a lot.
It's been great fun but it's costed us an absolute fortune and they are only just now starting to play together properly.
By next summer we will be in a happy place I think!

Has anyone got a 3.5-4 year age gap between siblings? What’s that like?
(Could potentially be mine) is it too large a gap?

We have 3.5 years and love it. DD1 was old enough to understand and get excited about having a baby sibling. She no longer needed constant watching so I could leave her for a few minutes whilst I sorted the baby out. Had DD2 not been born just before the first lockdown, she would also have been at preschool during my maternity leave which would have been brilliant.

I think there are pros and cons to every age gap though and you can spin things different ways. For example I quite liked the fact that DD1 was toilet trained by the time DD2 arrived, but others like getting the nappy years out of the way all at once rather than going through it with one child and then having to start all over again. You just make it work I think and try and find the positives! But certainly I wouldn't say that's too large a gap.

Mine are 18 months apart
Wouldn't do it any other way if I went back in time .
They are now 26 and 27

@Justinversusmrtumble I have! 3 years and 7 months between mine. I am loving every second of it.

Eldest has had no jealousy, and has loved seeing the baby's milestones just as we have. They now play together so nicely. Only one in nappies/sleep to worry about. Overall it's great.

Also, I strangely feel like I am able to give them both the individual time and needs that they have as they are both at such different stages. I think if they were super close in age they would always be doing everything together so no individual attention.

But, what suits me would t suit another! And no age gap is 'right' - just what's 'right for you'

@Justinversusmrtumble when I was at school 4 years was the most common gap between my friends and their siblings, so I don’t think it’s too big at all, perfectly standard. I don’t have the parenting perspective but there’s 4 years between me and my sister and we are close as adults and played together a lot as children. It saves on childcare as well because one is at school already when the second one arrives.

Has anyone got a 3.5-4 year age gap between siblings? What’s that like?
(Could potentially be mine) is it too large a gap?
3 years 2 months between mine.
I cant think of any downside.
I never had children expecting them to be play mates. I remember my mum having that expectation of me and sis but we are completely different personalities. It was bloody annoying!
My two fought like hell at home as teenagers but always had each others back and looked out for each other as well.
Looking back it was a near enough perfect gap for me.
I enjoyed ds1 being a baby without having my attention diverted because of pregnancy and another baby arriving and not so far apart that we has to do completely separate things on holiday and similar.
What ever happens, you will get into your own family groove.

We had a planned gap of 14 months, loved it. They moved through stages together and it was just as easy as having one

You do need to be organised, ours both slept through from 6 weeks and have always slept ever since and they’re now at the end of their teens

If I had to do it again i would still do it this way

@Justinversusmrtumble I'm another one with a bigger age gap. 4.5 years between my 2 boys and it's been perfect for us. We'd always said no sooner than 3 years as we couldn't afford 2 sets of childcare so needed the 15 free hours you get from 3. The age gap ended up being bigger due to various circumstances but it worked out perfectly as my eldest started school shortly before I had DS2. Meant that I wasn't juggling 2 kids most of the day.

I'm sure a small age gap works very well for many people but I had 2 high-needs, unputdownable babies neither of whom slept through before the age of 2. If I'd done that back-to-back I think I'd have lost my mind! I needed 2 years sleep in between to recover! And the age-gap hasn't been a barrier to friendship and activities like some say. My boys are now 5 and 10 and they have always got on really well, play similar games, enjoy the same sort of outings. It might change in the teen years I guess but it's been good so far.

19 months between my two. Wouldn't change it. I got the family I wanted, then got my life back quicker than I would if I had a bigger gap. My kids get on very well and I'm now at a stage where I'm living for me again rather than focusing on children.

It was the right thing for me. It won't be right for everyone.

Unplanned age gap of 14 months here. First took 3 years to conceive and thought it would take ages again! They are now 10 and 11. Personally we've loved having them so close... the first couple of years was a blur I guess, but they are incredibly close and so easy as they are into the same things (boy and girl).