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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't need to apologise over this joke?

49 replies

678d · 06/06/2021 20:08

In my houseshare, there is a running joke about someone always leaving a mess in the kitchen but nobody admitting to it. Every single person denies it's them but obviously it is one of us. It's only one person making a mess.

Yesterday when it was just me and this other person at home they made a mess and left it and I joked afterwards to them that I had finally found the culprit. I was laughing when saying this and obviously joking. I don't really care about the mess or who makes it, it's kinda frustrating but not a big deal. However, they went ballistic at me.

They started shouting saying how they had to leave the mess as they had an important call to take and it wasn't even their mess completely as housemates had also made a mess before and left x, y and z on the kitchen all whilst swearing and ranting. I just said "I was just joking, it's fine, it's ok, it's no big deal, etc" they then went and called all of our housemates to get proof that certain things left on the side in the kitchen weren't them.

That was yesterday and today they are still bringing it up and completely angry over it. They won't talk to me. Door slamming, ranting about it. Saying I'm making them out to be a liar and accusing them of something they didn't do, etc. I keep saying I was joking.

WIBU and AIBU? I regret saying it but at the same time I think this response is completely over-the-top.

OP posts:

Original poster

678d · 06/06/2021 21:15

@5foot5

It’s not a very funny ‘joke’ though. It’s passive aggressive to disguise criticism as ‘jokes’.

Yes this was my thought too. Be honest OP, is this "joke" something that everyone joins in with or is it mainly you. Perhaps you have pushed it too far, they have got utterly fed up of you harping on with this "joke" and hence the explosion

Ok I accept maybe I was unreasonable and I will apologise. They are currently not speaking to me though so it will be awkward. I have to say though I never joke about this particular thing, I never even mentioned it, it really doesn't bother me so it's not a case of pushing it too far as I've never mentioned it before.

I still think their reaction was OTT and worrying but I think there is a wealth of context that's hard to accurately convey.

OP posts:

Geraldinethegiraffe · 06/06/2021 21:34

I think I understand what happened - in the context of NPD, this person hust had an outburst and now nothing will do unless you apologise, whether or not you were wrong.

I would say you can try to apologise just to keep the peace, but you need to get away as soon as you can. It’s exhausting living with a narcissist and this type of OTT outburst will always happen out of the blue, in ways you can’t control.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/06/2021 22:06

That's the thing though not everyone can take a joke or see the funny bantery side of things.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/06/2021 22:16

In their whole life has this person ever cracked a smile.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 06/06/2021 22:26

Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds like your parent is pissed off that mess is being made in the property they pay for?
Then one say they make a mess in ther own property and you take the piss?

Do you pay rent op?

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/06/2021 22:28

Just apologize. Do you pull your weight with the household chores? This parent is probably (a) annoyed at being accused when they do most of the cleaning and (b) thinks their child should treat them with more respect.
I think you need to move out - that's no way to speak to a parent who is letting you live with them. Try living in an actual houseshare and you'll soon realise how good you had it.
The fact that it's a parent is hugely different to if this happened in a houseshare - the fact that you think the two are equivalent is strange

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/06/2021 22:33

I genuinely don't know whether I need to apologise or brazen it out. This parent can be quite difficult

But not so difficult you actually move out and make your own way in the world? Brazen it out?? You sound like an arrogant teenager. Are you paying the market rate for living there as well As doing a fair share of chores? If not you really need to be a bit more grateful. If so, then you can easily afford to move so just do that rather than criticising your parents

okkkkk · 06/06/2021 22:34

@Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark

Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds like your parent is pissed off that mess is being made in the property they pay for? Then one say they make a mess in ther own property and you take the piss?

Do you pay rent op?

Yes I pay rent, a decent amount too as this parent is unemployed so I contribute to the household bills.

okkkkkkkk · 06/06/2021 22:39

I understand a lot of the assumptions that have been made but they are not correct.

This parent does pretty much no cleaning or household chores. I do my fair share of cleaning and always tidy up after myself.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 06/06/2021 22:42

This is the sort of shit my Dad pulls. If this is more than a one off I'd make plans to move out.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 06/06/2021 22:48

O think you've had a name change fail

NerrSnerr · 06/06/2021 23:01

Just apologise. If you're paying a decent amount of rent then spend it on your own flat or a house share. I think it's rude to say something like that to the person who owns the house and is clearly letting their adult children live there.

Lavender201 · 07/06/2021 07:55

I don’t think it makes any difference that they’re your parent and not housemates.

If the person acting this way is unemployed and has NPD and clearly rage issues, and you are paying a decent chunk of rent/living costs to live there, just leave and rent elsewhere. You don’t need to put up with it.

longwayoff · 07/06/2021 07:58

Guilty conscience and in need of toddler restraints. Move. Let your housemate fester. And DONT apologise.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 07/06/2021 08:16

I am sorry but you are living under your parents’ roof as an adult dependent. You cannot possibly expect to be treated like a flat mate.
The ongoing phantom mess joke is reminder for you, the adult dependent, to take some accountability of your actions. It is not to give you an opportunity to criticise how your parents live. It’s their house. They can be as messy as they like, you cannot.
Time to get your own place.

HandfulofDust · 07/06/2021 09:12

Clearly he's been leaving a massive mess in the kitchen and is pissed off to be found out.

KarmaStar · 07/06/2021 09:18

This person is the mess leaver.first line of attack is defense.

3ormorecharacters · 07/06/2021 09:30

I agree that the reaction was out of proportion and it's time to think about moving if at all possible.

However, I can see how the 'joke' went down the wrong way and probably came across quite passive aggressive. Cleaning responsibilities are such a minefield where adults share accommodation. Everyone thinks that they are the ones who do everything and it's someone else who leaves the mess. Or justifies leaving mess because 'everyone else does'. Maybe you all need to have a serious conversation about it as a family where you agree actual rules and define responsibilities, rather than skirting around it with non-jokes.

Howshouldibehave · 07/06/2021 09:34

@okkkkkkkk

I understand a lot of the assumptions that have been made but they are not correct.

This parent does pretty much no cleaning or household chores. I do my fair share of cleaning and always tidy up after myself.

Are you the OP?

I’d be cross if adults living in my house repeatedly made a mess and then one of them accused me of being the one doing it, no matter how ‘jokey’ they later said they were being. How old are you-perhaps it’s time you moved out.

ElderMillennial · 07/06/2021 09:37

It does seem a bit cheeky OP if it's your parents' house

giletrouge · 07/06/2021 09:45

You and your sister live with your parents. You think sis is probably the 'mess-maker'.
How old are you both? Could ranty parent be getting fed up with having both of you around?

Umbra · 07/06/2021 09:46

I think it's pretty obvious that it isn't them who normally makes the mess and that's why they're so annoyed. It just wouldn't be logical for them to complain about mess.

On the one occasion they've left a mess (because of work), you've insinuated they're the messy culprit all the time. I can see why they're pissed off, tbh.

Frazzledd · 07/06/2021 10:06

Hang on, the OP made a jokey comment to her Parent, perhaps flippantly, but immediately knew it was taken the wrong way and apologised?

Then her Parent went and phoned her other relatives (OP originally said phoned housemates, so I'm assuming) which has now resulted in everyone ignoring her?? Over a comment about kitchen mess??

Massive overreaction from the Parent. If NPD then apologising won't matter in the slightest, in fact it'll just prolong the argument, they live for this, more power to them...

Time to move OP- you pay rent and they're not working right? See how important the washing up comment was to them when they've lost your income.

My Mother (and I use the term loosely) is a narcissist- NC for many years, but I can picture her now with her 'how dare you question me about anything' look, slating me to other family members......and that was from a very young age -

Good luck to you

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/06/2021 13:29

If it’s your narc dad then I would apologise for now to keep the peace and just start saving like crazy and move out ASAP.

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