The one thing they dont tell you about having a baby...

[Newgirl24]

I've had to learn about it the hard way and I've discovered from reading threads on here that it seems to not only be me experiencing this

Everyone knows when you have a baby it becomes a priority. But what people never tell you is about how you become second best. In. Every. Way. Your healthcare, your wellbeing, everything.

After having a traumatic birth I first realised this when my family seemed to only pay attention to how my baby was doing instead of me. Even my own dm only seemed really engaged when it was about babys health. Any complaints I've had falls on deaf ears. Everyone came over when dc was born to meet her and didnt bother to ask how I was coping or even say hi. Now fast forward to months later and it's even more so apparent than ever. Everytime one of dps family members come over its only to see dc. I get she is family and blood and technically I am an outsider. But I carried and birthed her into the world and I guess that meant I expected more of a closeness with his family? Maybe I was foolish to think this. Whenever a family or friend comes over and if I want to go out (I am exclusively bf) dp always asks for me to stay to "meet" these people. When I say otherwise he always responds with "can you at least leave dc". And that's not the only time I've heard this. I have no relationship with my dad and I've heard him say on the phone to my dm "he doesnt care if I dont want to see him but he wants to see dc". So he happily thinks he can be a horrible farther to me but reep the rewards and have relations with my child.

I'm tired of it. I hate the ugly insecurity its creating inside me. During the first couple of weeks of my babies life I struggled with jealousy towards her. I hated it. I resent myself for it. I feel like a horrible mum. But whilst I was unable to move from being cut open this baby was getting all the love and attention and people didnt even bother with me. My partner has even admitted to neglecting me (my mental health with pnd) and our relationship since dc has come along. I'm so saddened by this. He wants a second child but in all honesty I dont want to ever experience this again. The thought of two dc taking over my life overwhelms me. Sometimes I even question if dp keeps me around only for dc. We've been having problems and the other day we broke up but he instantly took it back. The next day he woke up and I said to him how huge of an impact our breakup would of been and that I dont think he realised that in the moment, and his reply , instead of yes I would of woke up and regretted losing you, was something more along the lines of him regretting the change he would of created.

I'm tired of feeling this way. Aibu?

That all sounds very sad and difficult for you. Was the marriage difficult before you had the baby? Did the stress of having a child exacerbate the problems?

Is your husband from a different culture, where women are not treated equally to men?

Without knowing you it's hard to know how much of your feelings might be down to PND, and how much stems from the lack of care from your husband and his family. Perhaps a combination of both? Talk to your community nurse/midwife/GP and explain how you are feeling.

I hope things improve soon.

About half way through I was getting ready to suggest you talk to your GP about possible PND, so it’s not a surprise you turn mentioned it.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time right now. I would say that no, being second best isn’t something everyone experiences. It sounds very much tied up with your mental health right now. Please make sure you are seeing your GP for regular support and the right treatment.

This sounds very horrible. It wasn’t my experience though - i have thoughtful and kind in laws and my husband looked after me very well.

God, I was expecting a light-hearted post. Agree re PND; it's not unusual that your children become the focus of attention. Your adult support network is severely lacking for you though.

To be very jealous of a baby does sound like pnd to me. I do find this, when you’re pregnant it’s special and ‘all about you’ then when baby comes it’s all about the baby. That’s just the way it is (I’ve had three) c

I don’t think this is standard at all I think it’s just your family and friends.

All my family and friends checked in with me when I had my baby and still do. They asked how the birth was, how well I was recovering - they still ask that now.

Yes of course they are very interested in my baby, but that hasn’t meant they aren’t still caring for me too.

I don’t feel jealousy when people want to meet my baby, I feel excited at the thought of showing her off.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with you leaving baby behind to go out for a bit. I am EBF too but as long as I feed her before I go out she’s fine for a while so I don’t think your DP was doing anything wrong by asking you to leave them - he’s their equal parent too.

The jealousy only lasted into the first couple weeks of her life. Now I just feel hurt and second best. Like I'm in my own babies shadow with everyone because what everyones main interest in is her and if I'm around or not doesnt seem to matter. No one asks me how I am or if I'm okay. I've had to basically cry to my dp to get him to understand how hurt i was by this. Every time he admits to being to wrapped up in our dc to consider me and that's fine but it's been months now and things are still the same.

It's hard because you are pushed to the edge of your own life once you have a baby. I think lots of us struggle with these feelings at times. However, from what you've written here, you sound depressed and anxious, and it's a shame your loved ones aren't picking up on that and giving you some TLC. Please see your GP and get some support or counselling. Please don't feel ashamed; lots of us have periods of time in which we resent our kids (as you say, it's part of motherhood that doesn't get talked about much). These feelings will be transient, and they will feel more manageable when you feel better.