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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you caught your 15 year old dd drinking vodka in the park ......

28 replies

youneverbuyme · 06/06/2021 13:18

Would you dish out a punishment? If so, what would you do?
Confiscate her phone? For how long?
Ground her for a week?
Nothing?
She was quite a way from home, train journey to get back, I've suspected before that she's been drinking, but this time she admitted it.
I'm concerned about her safety and lying about it to begin with. wwyd?

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 06/06/2021 13:22

Tall to her about the dangers but no punishment

SpongebobNoPants · 06/06/2021 13:27

I wouldn’t punish her but talk to her about the dangers of getting drunk far from home without your knowledge.
If you punish her she’ll just hide it more and if she finds herself in a dangerous or uncomfortable position she won’t call you for help.

At 15 I’d be letting her have a few drinks, not hide it and discourage hard spirits. A couple of Smirnoff ices or a fruit cider or 2 for example. it teaches them to be responsible in their drinking and to hide it from you.

SpongebobNoPants · 06/06/2021 13:28

And not hide it from you

Needingsupportplease · 06/06/2021 13:28

I did this at that age, doesn't make it right but it happens unfortunately. My mum and dad made it clear it wasn't acceptable and the dangers of it but I still did it. They made me be home by 9pm which I always respected but fell through the door. They also offered to pick me up or asked me to have friends round at the house as atleast they knew we were safe. Its not easy though and I'm dreading this with my children!

RaraRachael · 06/06/2021 13:29

Come to my town. Parents regularly drop kids off with rucksacsk full of booze then they spend the evening getting drunk and disturbing people who live near the park or the beach. Then the parents come and pick them up again Hmm

TinySaltLick · 06/06/2021 13:30

If you are worried about her lying then you need to use this as an opportunity to create an open and honest environment where she feels she can speak to you without judgement. Punishment is likely to be counter intuitive and you probably need to accept that you cannot stop her doing these things for much longer. You can however advise her about how to be safer and to think about how she can protect herself.

ForeverSinging · 06/06/2021 13:31

I would acknowledge that it's a normal thing to do at that age and use the opportunity to educate her on the dangers of being young, drinking too much and leaving yourself vulnerable away from home.

If you punish her she won't just suddenly behave sensibly, she'll just become more secretive.

NotATreacleTart · 06/06/2021 13:37

Ds1 is 18 but I made him measure out an actual measure of vodka in ml as his mates were pouring ridiculous amounts of vodka into a glass and topping it up with a bit of coke and then being unable to stand up and needed help being dragged onto a sofa. This was post GCSE celebrations. I wanted him to know how many double vodkas there were consuming, the difference in units between spirits, wines and beers.

Ds has only just started drinking when he was 17 and likes pre-mixed drinks.

I would be warning her of the dangers plus the whole everyone has a camera and so your actions are not in your control when someone films you and posts it on social media. Also pre-mixed drinks as PP have said like Smirnoff Ice or Hooch are far better if she is going to be doing it but also the legalities of drinking in a house which Ds always did rather than outside on a park.

No punishment, just concern, education and limiting the park trips if possible.

NotATreacleTart · 06/06/2021 13:38

And the dangers of peer pressure.

youneverbuyme · 06/06/2021 13:48

Yes I had a long chat with her last night about leaving herself in a vulnerable position. She's had the odd bottle of cider round a friends house or here, but asked me and didn't like it much anyway. It's the lying about it .... but yes, I don't want her hiding it and making it a massive secret thing .....

OP posts:
Sunbelievable · 06/06/2021 13:50

No punishment at all; just lots of talk.

As someone that lives near a rural village park, I'd be much much more pissed off it they were littering said vodka bottles and causing a noise nuisance to neighbours.

tabulahrasa · 06/06/2021 13:58

I’d ground her tbh...

Because the deal with alcohol was that it was allowed if I knew and we’d discussed what she was doing and agreed on it.

So the punishment would be for the lying about it.

tabulahrasa · 06/06/2021 14:00

The she in my post was my DD btw... just realised that it was a bit unclear that I meant the deal I had with her at that age, lol

MistyFrequencies · 06/06/2021 14:05

I'd talk to her. Explain the risks as you see them, how she can mitigate that risk, and tell her no matter what happens she can always call you.
That's what my parents did and it saved my friends life- she overdosed in a field at a party when we were 15-ish. No one would call anyone because they were all scared of repercussions. I was taking drugs and drinking. I called my Dad, he was there in minutes, got her to hospital and all he said was he was glad I trusted him enough to call.
If she's anything like most teenagers, she's going to drink regardless of what you say do you just need to do your best to give her the skills/knowledge to do so as safely as possible.

youneverbuyme · 06/06/2021 14:42

All good advice, thanks. She had no idea how big the bottle was or what quantity she was drinking so the measuring out a pub shot is a good idea for some point of reference.
Plus passing on knowledge, saying she can ring me anytime and letting me know when she plans to drink are all good points that I'll follow through.
Thanks.

OP posts:
colouringcrayons · 06/06/2021 14:49

How did she get it - did a friend buy it or another parent?

I would be really worried about this if she has to get a train home. Does she travel with others?

I'm not sure I could feel OK with letting my 15yo continue to travel that far if I knew they were going to drink spirits tbh.

youneverbuyme · 06/06/2021 15:08

@colouringcrayons

How did she get it - did a friend buy it or another parent?

I would be really worried about this if she has to get a train home. Does she travel with others?

I'm not sure I could feel OK with letting my 15yo continue to travel that far if I knew they were going to drink spirits tbh.

Apparently one of the other girls took it from her parents cupboard. She travelled home with one other girl but only at my insistence. She'd originally told the others she could stay out later, having had no discussion with me about a time to come home. Another thing is she never answers her phone, which is infuriating. Tried to drum it in to her how important this is and ' I didn't hear it' doesn't wash.
OP posts:
NameyNameyNameChangey · 06/06/2021 15:11

Teenagers have been drinking in parks or several generations.
(I personally never did, but a lot of people did in the early 00s)

Unfortunately I doubt you can stop her. Grounding her will just make her lie even more next time and maybe put herself in an unsafe situation (she'll be staying with a friend and stay out all night, for example).

If she's receptive, talk to her about the danger she's putting herself in if she gets very drunk (health wise and lowering inhibitions and response times etc), and general safety.

HelloDulling · 06/06/2021 15:16

If she’s not mature enough to answer her phone and have a 2 min conversation about where she is and how she’s getting home , she’s not mature enough to be allowed out late. As parents our job is to keep them safe, they have to help us do that.

Hellohah · 06/06/2021 15:17

DS got drunk last week, they have a tradition at his school where the whole go to an outside space and have a drink.

He told me he was going. He asked me to buy him alcohol. I know his friends. One of his friends rang me to say he was drunk and need picking up.

He is allowed to have something at home, we have a big garden so he is planning his friends to come round in a couple of weeks.

He is open with me because his Dad was an alcoholic, we've both always been honest with him. He knows what alcohol can do to you, as he's witnessed it with his Dad but he also knows I can have a drink, get drunk and not drink for a month.

I'd use the chance to encourage honesty, if you go in all guns blazing and punishing her, she is never going to be honest with you.

Floralnomad · 06/06/2021 15:20

I would tell her about the dangers , try and find some local examples which might drum it home a bit and tell her if she wants to drink she can do so at home . When I was at school , many years ago , it was smoking and my parents always said if you want to smoke do so at home , none of us bothered probably because we were allowed .

AuntieStella · 06/06/2021 15:24

Depending on what sorts of chats there have been before, I might ground. Because for my teens, vanishing off to heaven knows where is Not On. I don't police heavily, but do insist on knowing roughly where they are, which friends are with them, and when they'll be back. I get cross about not responding to messages if I ask for a sitrep - but they know that's a specific issue, not disapproval in the round

We've had lots on convos about drinking, the risks of getting drunk, how to recognise when to call for help (as a parent for advice or get an ambulance), looking uncool for doing so is always better than tragedy, always looking out for each other, realising that everyone makes the odd mistake about capacity and how to cope when you get it wrong, the perils of drunken apparent consent, and that nothing is so terrible we can't deal with it together.

Learning to recognise the 'happy place' level of drinking and to stop there is often found by trial and error. If she has friends who look out for each other, if she makes a mistake it shouldn't end up with anything worse than an appalling hangover (for which she should get no sympathy). If her friends are sketchy, then that needs tackling as a separate issue.

As teens get older, the bottom line is that you can't prevent most of the nightmare scenarios. What you can do is teach your DC to recognise the nightmares, so they self regulate away from them. I think the key to this is good communication, so I agree with all the posters who say the best thing you can do is talk.

LCDIT · 06/06/2021 15:38

@HelloDulling

If she’s not mature enough to answer her phone and have a 2 min conversation about where she is and how she’s getting home , she’s not mature enough to be allowed out late. As parents our job is to keep them safe, they have to help us do that.
I agree with this
MintyMabel · 06/06/2021 15:43

Mine would be grounded indefinitely.

This www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-57228247 should scare the crap out of any of those “cool” parents who think it’s fine for teenagers to get drunk with friends.

As a teen I saw a fair few friends getting in to real danger because of drinking. It put me right off.

I don’t agree with any argument that says they’ll do it anyway, and they need to be introduced to it blah blah. I wouldn’t that with any other of the drugs, why do it with alcohol?

lljkk · 06/06/2021 15:46

"I'm quite disappointed in her - shall we talk about all the reasons that was dodgy" talk is my likely response.

DH would implode.

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