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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if this is what a healthy relationship is?

14 replies

wootown · 06/06/2021 12:28

I've been dating a guy for 6 months. It's different from anything I've ever experienced. I'm used to highly charged, intoxicating, tearing each other's clothes off kinds of relationships. None of those have ended well (hence I'm no longer in them), but that spells 'relationship' to me.

This is totally different and I'm very confused about how I feel.

It's been a real slow burn. I'm not overwhelmed by lust (although I can see he's an objectively great looking guy), I don't miss him when I'm not with him and I don't get super excited to see him. I always have a nice time when we're together though.

Up until maybe 2 weeks ago, I'd felt strongly that this meant it was a waste of my time and would eventually end. I stuck with it just to see what happened but I wasn't convinced. I've kind of just been going through the motions doing coupley stuff and seeing what happened.

Recently though, I've felt it turn a corner. Really slowly I've started to feel like his partner. I took a toothbrush and some make up remover to leave at his house last week and it didn't feel wrong. In the past, I've just not bothered staying over at all.

I find I'm also starting to wish I was with him when I wasn't. Not in the yearning, all-encompassing way I have with all my previous relationships. More of a 'I wish I could just pop round and we could stick the TV on and chill out with a cup of tea' kind of way.

This still all feels totally alien to me. On the one hand I'm really happy to feel like this. On the other hand I wonder if I should be feeling way way more after 6 months and if I'm therefore kidding myself that something good is happening here.

Is this how healthy relationships go? Has anyone had a relationship that started like this? Are we doomed because I don't want to tear his jeans off with my teeth every time I see him?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 06/06/2021 12:36

Hmm, sounds more like a friendship tbh. I think for most people this stage of the relationship is exciting. Doesn’t sound as if there’s any sexual tension between you.

What do you like about him?

LemonTT · 06/06/2021 12:39

I purposely suppressed the urge to act on infatuation and instant attraction to meet the man I love and have been with for a v long time. I had no intention of spending the rest of my life with someone I couldn’t relax with or talk to.

You can have great sex with anyone. That’s what infatuation is there for. You can only snuggle with someone you trust and love.

Pieceofpurplesky · 06/06/2021 12:43

It sounds like you are falling for him.

Merryoldgoat · 06/06/2021 12:45

Well. I have a healthy non-toxic, even relationship.

From day 1 I missed him, fancied the arse off him etc. So I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/06/2021 12:52

Partner? After 6 months? No, that's not healthy.

KurtWilde · 06/06/2021 12:56

Tbh it sounds more like a comfortable friendship than anything else.

pumpkinpie01 · 06/06/2021 12:59

It's sounding like he is growing on you and that's good - you're beginning to like him more not less . You didn't mention the sexual part of the relationship- is that all good ?

wootown · 06/06/2021 13:08

@pumpkinpie01

It's sounding like he is growing on you and that's good - you're beginning to like him more not less . You didn't mention the sexual part of the relationship- is that all good ?
It feels good but it lacks...erm...creativity. I think that may be part of the problem.
OP posts:
wootown · 06/06/2021 13:08

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Partner? After 6 months? No, that's not healthy.
What do you mean by this?
OP posts:
Pewpew · 06/06/2021 13:12

I’m finding this really interesting. I haven't got the answer for you. I met my DH when I was 21, over 20 years ago. It was the first time I has wanted to rip someone's clothes off, even though I had had a fair few sexual encounters.🤷‍♀️

Pewpew · 06/06/2021 13:13

I was going to suggest trying to spice up the sex but that does seem a bit odd after just 6 months.

KateKeeper · 06/06/2021 13:15

It sounds a lot like my relationship. I've described it as a slow burn. We've been very happily married for 12 years (second marriage for us both) Sex gets better and better, because we feel safe, comfortable and laugh a lot together.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 06/06/2021 13:21

Hmmm. I mean, sometimes things are just slow burn but still great but tbh it sounds to me more like a friendship, or else something that will burn out in the not too distant future because the attraction just isn't there.
But I may be biased. Sex is important to me. The first time now-DH and I spent the weekend together, we both lost weight because we never got around to getting out of bed to eat.

pumpkinpie01 · 06/06/2021 13:43

@wootown Are you both a bit shy in the bedroom department is that why you think there is a lack of creativity ?

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