Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a mum one

14 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 06/06/2021 09:25

I have a strained relationship with my mum. She's on her own and has this expectation that me and my sister will 'entertain' her every weekend. My sister indulges this, whilst I try not to.

My question is regarding when we go out for lunches/dinners. She expects me to pay. Every single time. Never puts her hand in her pocket or even offers to split the bill. I'm starting to resent this and it's putting me off from arranging to do things with her. She's not skint, and nor am I. I can usually afford to pay. But is this normal - is there an expectation that adult children pay for their parents all the time? AIBU in expecting her to offer to pay once in a while?

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 06/06/2021 09:35

@tiredofthisshit21

I have a strained relationship with my mum. She's on her own and has this expectation that me and my sister will 'entertain' her every weekend. My sister indulges this, whilst I try not to.

My question is regarding when we go out for lunches/dinners. She expects me to pay. Every single time. Never puts her hand in her pocket or even offers to split the bill. I'm starting to resent this and it's putting me off from arranging to do things with her. She's not skint, and nor am I. I can usually afford to pay. But is this normal - is there an expectation that adult children pay for their parents all the time? AIBU in expecting her to offer to pay once in a while?

There is no correct answer to this, the dynamics of any relationship are different. Is she retired, low income? Who suggests lunch out? Is your sister there?

Try a few different tacks:

  • your turn for this one mum, sister
  • I'm going to the loo whilst you pick this one up
  • I got the last one, it's someone elses turn
  • You're suggesting lunch out? So long as you're paying...
  • I didn't bring any money
HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 09:39

YANBU. Seeing her every weekend is really OTT (unless you just love each other's company and both want to spend this time together, which it seems isn't the case). As for paying no of course you shouldn't always pay. You're both adults, unless one of you is a millionaire and the other impoverished you should each pay your way. If your mum can't afford to eat out she should suggest doing something else, not just assume you'll pay for her. She sounds very childish.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 06/06/2021 09:45

Thing is, it's usually me who suggests the lunches etc. Mainly because I'm tired of visiting hers and trying to think up conversation. She's very passive and never makes plans for herself. So I have to think of different things for us to do. Every. Bloody. Weekend. So I think the assumption is because it's my suggestion that I will pay. (And I'm not talking about expensive places - just cheap café lunches).

OP posts:
NoMoreAngelDelight · 06/06/2021 09:47

Then stop. Simple. Pop round to hers for a quick cuppa then go. Once a fortnight or month. Dont panda to get as when she’s older she will be even worse.

WildfirePonie · 06/06/2021 09:49

Time to put a stop to this.
You're no longer available at the weekend. Ever.

BlueDucky · 06/06/2021 09:50

I think if you're suggesting it maybe she thinks that means you're offering to treat her?

DinosaurDiana · 06/06/2021 09:50

Easy, don’t make plans. And definitely don’t pay every time.

HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 09:50

You need to decide how much you're prepared to see her then stick to it. It defiitely doesn't need to be extended periods of time every weekend. Maybe a cup of tea on your way to another commitment or on the way home in the evening. Don't feel like you have to justify not seeing her all the time.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 06/06/2021 09:58

It's so difficult. She even made me feel guilty for not visiting during the last lockdown. (My sister was seeing her, and the rules said only one person could be in her bubble). She made me feel like I was being OTT following the rules.

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 06/06/2021 09:59

Definitely time to put a stop to suggesting lunches. Just pop round for a cuppa or afternoon tea for an hour and a half and then say you've got somewhere else to be. Or buy her a National Trust membership for her birthday so you can go to those for next to nothing every other weekend. Continuing as you are will end up driving you mad.

HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 13:52

You'll just have to learn to deal with her guilt trips OP. Once she gets used to the new normal she might eventually stop manipulating you. If she doesn't you'll get used to ignoring it.

lanbro · 06/06/2021 14:50

Well in my family my dps usually pay and my sis and I treat them occasionally...but we're both single parents and my dps are pretty we'll off. But the main thing is we go out together pretty regularly because we all enjoy it

ApolloandDaphne · 06/06/2021 14:53

I meet my mum more or less weekly for lunch. We take it in turns to pay.

Cocomarine · 06/06/2021 14:54

You’re suggesting it so I can see that you’re “taking her out” and should pay.
Whether that’s fair needs far too much more detail on both your finances.

It’s not the point though.

Her not paying her way is the icing on the cake when you don’t want to see her anyway. If she paid 50/50 up is still be unhappy.

Take her out once a month and pay with a good grace. If you want to.

Or even examine your strained relationship and think - fuck this - and don’t see her at all.

Decide the frequency YOU want, lose the guilt, and only then worry about who you want to pay.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page