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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he must be talking to someone else

23 replies

CherryxXxPie · 06/06/2021 05:02

. Met an older man 9 months ago. Hit it off. Coronavirus lockdown came back in. We continued to have a really positive relationship on the phone. It felt like we were going to make it work. I felt happy. Loved. The communication was fun. Loving. He was open with his feelings. Told me he had fallen in love. We both were in that sickly stage of soppy messages and like excited teenagers.

I offered him some space back in march. Things seemed a little wobbly. He had started adding new ladies onto his social media and I wanted to just talk about where he was at. I have young children and didn't want to waste my time if he was looking around elsewear. He ended it.

He came back 3 weeks ago. He's very different but insists his feelings never changed and he wanted to see how I was doing. We've arranged to meet up this week and start spending time together. But his moods have been allover. One day he's into me..the next few it's like he's always online but much less chatty with me. I feel my gut screaming at me. He's not saying anything like before. No nice nicknames. No nice random messages. No positive compliments. I don't particularly want to meet up with him now due to his lack of affection and constancy. I wanted us to build back up before we met and it just feels he's not going to do it.

Should I just go quiet and leave him to it? Or do I confront him?

I just know he's not right with me. I can't shake of the feeling.

Help.

OP posts:
musthavebeenlove · 06/06/2021 05:03

Bin him.

Too much drama for a blossoming and frankly any relationship.

Duckypoohs · 06/06/2021 05:19

Just fuck him off, your gut feelings were right. The fact he ended it because you dared to question him is reason enough. You know why he was adding women to his social media. Stop being a sap.

Duckypoohs · 06/06/2021 05:24

Why would you want to meet him when your gut is screaming at you. It's there for a reason. I must admit, I did the same thing with a very on off bloke and honestly had a 12 hour panic attack. It was fucking awful, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up as a serial killer Grin

OhSayWhat · 06/06/2021 05:27

Get rid of him. You can do better.

Bassarid · 06/06/2021 05:29

Agree!

Frazzledd · 06/06/2021 05:36

I wouldn't go quietly with this one, I'd make it very clear your not interested and to leave you alone, it sounds to me like he's testing your vulnerability...big red flag.

Helptonight · 06/06/2021 05:38

I had a similar situation, all in to me via messaging and calls and then said he couldn't commit/wasn't ready. Found out he was seeing someone else but then he would randomly message me things like ' I never got to find out what you were like in bed' or 'what are you up to' randomly. Realised I was just a boredom/time killer. Best to cut off I think, you don't deserve to be at someones mercy depending on what mood they are in. If he behaves like this now it's a red flag - you know the answer x

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2021 05:46

You know you should bin him off so why are you asking us? You already know what you need to do.

AGirlsGotToDo · 06/06/2021 06:03

Yes get rid op! Never be second best. You are clearly one in a long line of women he talks to.

Frazzledd · 06/06/2021 06:08

@Aquamarine1029

You know you should bin him off so why are you asking us? You already know what you need to do.
I think sometimes people just need to vent what's happening and get a mental arse boot in the right direction...

I can't imagine anyone on here is going to tell you to give him a chance OP, but
you do already know this, you just asked whether to go quietly or confront him - do neither (as above) just tell him to do one, and make it very, very clear!

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 06/06/2021 06:36

I had a bf like this. One day he adored me, the next he ignored me. This pattern went on for months. We split up for good because I couldn't take this treatment anymore. That week I met the person who became my DH. The week of my wedding my Xbf turned up and begged me to marry him instead! We had a mutual hobby and I would see him at conferences when he would proudly tell everyone how much he loved me!
When he was dying of cancer, he would phone to tell me he loved me, but he never actually said it when we were together. I think he enjoyed messing with my mind. I don't understand men like this, but I can tell you OP that he will never change and there's plenty of men out there who won't mess with your emotions. I found one and it's so lovely to feel secure.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 06/06/2021 06:46

You've got two children to think of. Don't give this loser any more of your precious time.

DeathStare · 06/06/2021 06:56

It doesn't matter whether he's speaking to someone else - things gave changed and are not how you want them to be. Your gut is telling you to get out, so do.

NoMoreAngelDelight · 06/06/2021 07:04

Ditch him.

TheQueef · 06/06/2021 07:08

Are you having sex?

Blueskytoday06 · 06/06/2021 07:15

He was bored / lonely / just been ghosted etc etc when he reconnected with you. I'd avoid.

CherryxXxPie · 06/06/2021 09:03

Thank you. Yes I just want someone to talk to about it. When we were good before he felt like a soulmate (god that's so ridiculous based on now)

He went online at 6.30 but didn't text. So I messaged him and said I have been thinking about us and it feels like we just talk as friends now and the way we were before is not coming back now we've arranged to meet. I just feel like we should be alot more like before if we are going to make this work.

He put I think you think too much lol xx

I said well maybe I do, but you honestly don't seem that into me anymore.

He put behave xx (he says this in humour)

I said I am just trying to discuss things.

Then he went offline again. He did go on about an hour ago but didn't open my message.

I know I need to give him the boot. I only wanted to meet him based on how well things were before our seperation.

I know it sounds stupid but it's little things. Like it used to be good morning beautiful. Xx now it's just good morning.

He also would send regular messages to say things like I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you today and I really hope (random thing) goes well. I love you so much and can't wait to talk to you later.

Now it's just what you doing? X

So it's massively changed. We used to say love you before we hung up the phone too. Now it's just bye.

It's just mind fcuking. I feel like I'm constantly not left or right. It's like I'm waiting to be pushed wherever I'm going next. But I am ready to push myself now as it's just getting really boring and no happiness in it for me. If I can't have him like before I don't want him.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 06/06/2021 09:11

@Frazzledd

I wouldn't go quietly with this one, I'd make it very clear your not interested and to leave you alone, it sounds to me like he's testing your vulnerability...big red flag.
Agree with this
icelollycraving · 06/06/2021 09:16

Have you ever been on a date or is this all on the phone? It’s very easy to build up an intimacy that doesn’t exist. Lots of men, single and attached like having someone as a boost to their ego and who they can essentially kill time and boredom talking to but have zero interest in a relationship.
Get rid. It’s all very angsty.

Frazzledd · 06/06/2021 09:20

He IS the same person, its a massive red flag and sounds as though he sees you as vulnerable, he's testing it in his shortened, less loving texts to see how you respond- (treat em mean, keep em keen has a whole new definition now, although I should have listened to my nan more!)

Honestly you need to stay well away from this man, he sounds textbook coercive & controlling behaviour.

WilsonMilson · 06/06/2021 09:23

This is ridiculous. You didn’t have a ‘separation’ you hardly ever knew him. He’s obviously speaking to other women and I think you’ve created a lot of this relationship in your head. Soppy messages do not a relationship make.

Bin him. He’s holding you at arms length in case something better comes along, but wants to keep the option to shag you open. Tosser. Who needs these sorts of mind games?

OccaChocca · 06/06/2021 09:25

Get rid.

Why would you bother with someone messing you about? Please value yourself more. You can do better than him.

musthavebeenlove · 06/06/2021 12:50

Just read your update OP.

This behavior very much reminds me of a guy I used to date, who ghosted me and then returned and even now I’m married to someone else every few months he sends me a message to test the waters. He is just a prick who is trying to get an ego boost from contacting me without really being interested in me as a person, he just wants the attention he won’t get from other women as a pathetic way to inflate his already huge ego even more. This guy sounds EXACTLY the same and oh boy they’re always bad news.
Just block him and don’t look back.
Don’t allow him to use you, that’s what he’s after, a decent man who is truly interested in you doesn’t behave this shitty. You don’t realize it now but you will in a few months after you have gotten some more distance from this situation and you no longer have your hopes up on this guy. Do yourself the favor, then start working on your self esteem so these type of twats no longer have a future chance to try and manipulate you with their mind games. Flowers

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