To be so upset with dh after counselling?

[joyfulbride]

I have just had a counselling session with dh. We have been struggling a lot lately, not least because he has been seeing someone else, though he swears it means nothing and is over. I thought him agreeing to counselling was a good thing in that he wanted to save our marriage and was admitting there was a problem? But I am reeling after the session. It seemed like he and the (male) counsellor were in it together. The conversation went on to our families and it seemed like dh had it all planned. I would describe my family as quite odd and my dad is a functional alcoholic, though he never drinks when visiting us, which I believe is something my dm has enforced. Although I don't see my dp a lot and am distant from my df I am close to my dm and she was the first person I told about dh's infidelity. Dh kept saying how I'm distant from my family and how he is close to his (there are loads of issues imo, not least him being nc with his df for about 5 years, though they are ok now). He does see his family a lot compared to me but they live nearer and it's different. Half the time we come away and he rants for an hour about how they do his head in, while I am upfront about wanting to keep a certain distance between me and my dp.

It just felt like a set-up that the counsellor went along with but I don't know if I'm being paranoid. I thought we were there about the cheating but now it seems it was all about how shit me and my family are and dh can't see why I'm upset.

What do you mean the counsellor went along with it? Did you put right any incorrect info that you're now annoyed about? My counsellor has 'gone along with' my views on dh's family, because his issues are to do with childhood and she could see that quickly herself. So we're singing off the same hymn sheet because we can see the problems with the relationships.. Thankfully dh sees it too now for what it is.

Also, personally I would say it is a good idea to say whatever you need to say in the session rather than let it bleed over into everyday life. I get a sense you don't like/trust your counsellor. If that's the case, maybe look for someone that suits better.

That's rubbish, is it worth trying another counselor? I had an awful experience with a counselor when I was 19 and really struggling after an abortion with my bf not supporting me and making it all about him.

The counselor appeared to side with my 35(!) year old boyfriend and we were continually talking about how the abortion affected him and how it made him feel.

Uuurgh I HATE to think about it now.

No you're not being paranoid. Sounds like he's completely taken over the session and left you having to, almost, defend yourself and your parents relationship and behaviour.

How is that in anyway related to what you where there for.

If you feel that you're not being allowed by, both your husband and the counsellor, to keep the conversation on the reason you're all there then it's not going to work for you.

Maybe this counsellor is not right for you. You've got to feel heard in the sessions and you've got to have confidence that the counsellor is listening to both of you and not just sitting there just letting your husband lead the session so that you all avoid the things he doesn't want to talk about.

Your OP reminded me of this clip of Michelle Obama!

Watch from 2 minutes.

Joyful was this your first session, or an early session?

I've had relationship counselling with my now ex (waste of time because it turned out that ex had recently cheated on me and our then new baby, which he presumably thought it best/easiest for him not to mention) and something comparable with a family member. With the latter I also felt that the counsellor was on 'his' side which upset me at the time but I see it differently now.

None of us were in the session so we don't know but here are some thoughts...

• regarding the 'taking sides' issue, the counselling shouldn't be about apportioning blame, or for that matter minimising what happened. It is very difficult when feeling are raw and one party feels wronged, and no matter how justifiable those feelings are. The counsellor isn't a referee and isn't judging either of you (or shouldn't be).

• the counsellor needs to establish trust with both of you, so you both need to feel heard. It might mean that occasionally one person feels listened to more than the other person. Hopefully this will even out over several sessions.

• the infidelity makes this a difficult subject for both of you but in different ways. You will be feeling different emotions. It was fundamentally a divisive episode in your marriage and a 'hot' subject. The counselor may want to look beyond this to try to explore what brings you together and help you to build on this (or to come to a decision about what happens next).

• Its easy to feel frustrated when the focus is on something that doesn't feel so important to you. The counsellor will have a lot of experience, training etc to guide them on what needs to be explored. Relationships with wider family and attitudes to family are relevant to what you both bring to the 'family' you and your partner are creating together.

I hope you and your partner can work through this difficult time in your relationship.

I’ve only done 1:1 not couples but understanding is that a counsellor shouldn’t side with either person but also they’re not suppose to dismiss what either person says either and I can see how that could allow one person to dominate the session

I don’t really understand why you’re talking about your relationship with your family in these sessions, is this his excuse for cheating? Is he bringing this up when you try to talk about something he doesn’t want to?

Also what are you hoping to get from these sessions?

I agreed to go to Relate once with exh. To prove to him our marriage was over as he wouldn't contemplate the fact.
The bloke told me I had hang ups about sex!!. Eh no mate I just didn't want to shag a control freak who raped me 2 weeks pp!
I found a house and moved out. Exh still didn't think I would. He said I should go for a year and do my own thing then come back!!
Fucking oddball!!

Next session say you want to talk about the infidelity.

My (ex) husband and I went to counselling after he admitted an affair. The counsellor saw us together then separately. When I asked her what the success rate was after counselling she said quite plainly it depends on who you are asking.. i. e. Which of the 2 people you ask. She said some people go to counselling to save a relationship and some to save face.... To say 'I tried everything'
I agree with her.
I divorced him
His behaviour didn't change

If you feel this counsellor is partisan, trust your instinct. Challenge him next time, make clear that for you the issue is the cheating not your family and if things don't improve, find a different counsellor.

I say this as the recipient of years of counselling in my teens that was quite useless as the counsellor was a common and garden sexist who somehow thought my dad's serial cheating wasn't a problem, but my mum's resulting depression was. Being a counsellor doesn't stop you from being a dick if that is what you are.

He's trying to steer the conversation away from the cheating . I'd just say firmly to the Counsellor, "the reason we are here is our relationship & his affair, can we focus on that: unless you think how close we are to our families has relevance?"