Am I being a bitch or doing the right thing?

[Helpmyhair2019]

Hello
I (like a lot of people probably) have reassessed friendships over lockdown. I have realised that a group of friends were not helping my mental health. Nothing major but encouraging me to drink (they know I’m on medication), never asking anything about my own life but telling me everything about theirs and a lot of bitching about other people. I spent an awful lot of time helping them with their concerns to the point I became very anxious as I tried to support one through a health scare which turned out to be hugely exaggerated and dramatic.

Anyway, I’ve not seen them for over a year now and only minimal communication. I’ve just been invited by one to go out in a couple of weeks. I just know it will involved alcohol (I can’t drink and don’t drink) and will be a long night of listening to the drama of someone else’s life.

I feel my mental health has greatly improved by not seeing these people. They aren’t nasty or horrid which is what is making me feel crap about effectively ghosting them. What would you do?

Explain you don't drink anymore so wouldn't enjoy that type of night out.

Could you go for a shorter amount of time?

@Helpmyhair2019

My husband had to separate himself from a group of friends;one in particular as these people were not beneficial to his MH nor life in general tbh.

With the help of counselling he was encouraged to leave these unhealthy friendships behind.

Do you know what?

His MH has improved massively and he's now also far more productive at both work and home as one of these friendships was extremely time consuming and tbh quite invasive as this person wanted everyone else's lives to be as messed up as their own.Woe betide anyone who was truly happy.

You've done the right thing.

It’s only ghosting if you don’t reply. Just tell them “I’m sorry I can’t make it”, “I’m sorry I’m all booked up” etc and eventually they will stop asking.

Nothing wrong with putting yourself first in this situation.

Are you being a bitch because you don't fancy a night out?

You can always catch up with them for coffee when you're all free.

Absolutely don't feel bad for distancing yourself.

Think of it as creating space for yourself or more nourishing relationships.

You are not obliged to stay friends with people who don't make your life better. And it doesn't sound like they care particularly about you anyway. I don't mean this meanly - just based on how they treat you it feels like the giving all goes in one direction, so they may miss that. But that's no reason to keep it up.

You don't owe them anything!

I'd blow them off in a fairly long term way, and hope they don't persist. "I've decided to socialise much less for the next six months, for financial, emotional and health reasons, so I'm afraid I'm not up for outings. Nothing dramatic going on - just a choice that works for me. Hope you are well and enjoy!"

I'd suggest meeting up for a meal or going to a bar (I like a nice virgin cocktail!) and leave afterwards while they go drinking.

But if you don't enjoy their company then just let the friendship go I guess.

It is hard hanging out with "woo hoo, gin o'clock!!" people when you don't drink, so I feel your pain.

Thanks all. It’s not that I mind going out with people who drink (I went out with work colleagues yesterday and was the only non drinker and had a great time!) it’s the fact they know I can’t drink due to being on medication for Ptsd after a traumatic family bereavement but still kept saying ‘go on, one won’t harm you’ and then say I seemed different and not like myself and maybe a drink would help. Yes I wasn’t the person they knew from going out drinking. I was just very sad.

I think just from writing all this I know what the right thing to do is. I actually don’t want to ever feel like I felt when I was struggling myself yet having to devote so much time to someone who was in all honesty just being attention seeking and dramatic. It took a lot of my time and energy at a time I had very little for myself or my family. I feel more ‘refreshed’ now, am happier, less tired and doing well in my job. So I guess it’s a no brainer really!

[quote thenewduchessofhastings]@Helpmyhair2019

My husband had to separate himself from a group of friends;one in particular as these people were not beneficial to his MH nor life in general tbh.

With the help of counselling he was encouraged to leave these unhealthy friendships behind.

Do you know what?

His MH has improved massively and he's now also far more productive at both work and home as one of these friendships was extremely time consuming and tbh quite invasive as this person wanted everyone else's lives to be as messed up as their own.Woe betide anyone who was truly happy.

You've done the right thing.[/quote]
This sounds very similar to my situation. I’m so pleased to hear he is doing well now. X

Some friendships are transient. For a particular moment in time. Don't feel bad if the time has come for it to end.

Offer coffee if you want to see if the friendship can transcend to non boozy. Just politely decline if you don't want to see any of them at all.

@cauliflowerkorma

Some friendships are transient. For a particular moment in time. Don't feel bad if the time has come for it to end.

Offer coffee if you want to see if the friendship can transcend to non boozy. Just politely decline if you don't want to see any of them at all.

It would be interesting to see how she responds if you say ‘I won’t come out thanks, as I’m not drinking, but do you fancy a coffee sometime?’ My bet is she won’t be too enthusiastic, and essentially just wants someone to keep her company while she’s out on the piss.