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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my husband is insane?

27 replies

RexMyDarling · 05/06/2021 18:23

I think my husband is insane and I have no idea what to do about it.

Just as covid was coming to the fore last year me, dh and dd came back from centreparcs. Literally everything shut down a week later but that first week dh had a cough and convinced himself he had covid. He slept on the sofa to protect us. His memory of how ill he was is vastly different from mine. He has asthma and yes he struggled to breathe a bit. He was 46 at the time. Overweight, possibly high blood pressure so clearly if he had covid it could have been a big deal.

Today he’s just told a track and trace person that he to call an ambulance at this point because he was so unwell. And then it didn’t turn up and we phoned cancelled.

This is complete nonsense!!

Towards the end of March I had an intestinal blockage - 3 times in 3 weeks (I have serious crohns and a stoma. I was very ill)

On the second time I was so ill I was wishing I was dead, rolling around in agony and we decided to call an ambulance for me. As it was the time of covid there was a massive delay and we did call it off because I was sick and felt a little better. Later on I got a lot worse so we phoned up the ambulance again and they came and got me. He was very kind there and stayed downstairs with me lying on the wooden floor of our hallway at 2am. I was only in a few hours then discharged.

That he remembers all this but has made it about him and completely fabricated the story around himself has really stunned me.

He’s accusing me of gaslighting him but his version of events NEVER happened. Is he insane? What can I do?

OP posts:
shouldistop · 05/06/2021 18:29

Is there usually something wrong with his memory?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/06/2021 18:33

How strange!

Original poster
RexMyDarling · 05/06/2021 18:35

Sometimes his memory is a bit poor but nothing as bad as this. He has epilepsy and says that has effected his memory.

OP posts:
AmyDudley · 05/06/2021 18:38

Your update makes sense - my DNiece has epilepsy, her memory is quite severely affected. It sounds as if he has muddled up the two separate events in his head and come out with the wrong story. I imagine there was a certain amount of emotion surrounding both occasions and maybe the heightened stress of the time has made him misremember it too.

Sparklfairy · 05/06/2021 18:39

I don't know. There's a reason that witness statements are unreliable, because memories are unreliable.

Both events happened, the second was a period of high stress and sounds like he just got mixed up.

PotteringAlong · 05/06/2021 18:41

Well, you think he’s gaslighting you and he thinks you’re gaslighting him. You cannot both be correct. But I agree with @AmyDudley’s interpretation, based on your update about the epilepsy affecting his memory.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/06/2021 18:45

My DM has epilepsy and also has bad memory and gets events muddled.

Stichintime · 05/06/2021 18:46

I can see how these events got mixed up in his mind. I don't think he's insane. If it was totally fabricated, maybe, but it wasn't. He's misremembering stressful events, which I think is quite common.

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 18:47

Knowing he has epilepsy, I think calling him insane is very unfair.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/06/2021 18:49

Also, I agree with @cupsofcoffee - calling him insane is very unfair

Original poster
RexMyDarling · 05/06/2021 18:52

He’s calling me insane! It’s very upsetting when he’s telling me I’m lying and he’s made something up that never happened.

OP posts:
ChairOnToast · 05/06/2021 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 19:01

@RexMyDarling

He’s calling me insane! It’s very upsetting when he’s telling me I’m lying and he’s made something up that never happened.
But he has epilepsy and probably doesn't understand that his version of events if false.
diddl · 05/06/2021 19:02

Surely unless you can prove it one way or the other, there's nothing that you can do?

He admits that his memory is poor.

So why does he think that he is right about this?

Why does he think that you would gaslight him?

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 05/06/2021 19:03

Have you got any discharge documentation from your admission to hospital? If it's really serious you could speak to PALS and ask for the records.

diddl · 05/06/2021 19:09

So he thinks that he was more ill than you think he was.

And that an ambulance was called for him & cancelled.

Does he remember that a 2nd ambulance came for you?

It might make sense for hím to remember 2 ambulances being called & that one must have been for him?

wildeverose · 05/06/2021 19:10

He's probably got it muddled - as for him having Covid, it sounds like you are absolutely convinced he didn't as he wasn't ill enough due to his weight and age - you don't have to have been seriously ill to have had Covid.
You're undermining him as much as he is you, it's not a competition to see who has been more poorly. His epilepsy absolutely could have effected his memory, and saying he's insane is actually really nasty.

diddl · 05/06/2021 19:10

Does he have a tendeny to exaggerate?

Orf1abc · 05/06/2021 19:12

I hope you've not called him insane, that's not going to help at all.

It's not unusual for people to misremember and mix up traumatic events. I'd put it down to that, and step away from the conversation.

diddl · 05/06/2021 19:14

Why was he talking to track & trace?

Especially if it isn't even known whether or not he had covid.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/06/2021 19:20

Did he have a temperature when he was ill, maybe he imagined that happened when he was feverish

HalzTangz · 05/06/2021 19:35

So technically he told the truth, that he was ill and believe it was covid. He then said a ambulance was called and cancelled, also the truth.
Theo my thing he did wrong was fib to say the ambulance was for him.
He clearly is a drama llama and was enjoying the trace and trace person giving him their full attention so slightly embellished the truth.
Unless he tells this white lies in all areas of his life then I wouldn't really describe him as insane.
I'm sure each and every one of us has embellished something at some points in our life

thepetrellies · 05/06/2021 19:52

Our memories are not as reliable as we like to think. We like to think of them as written in stone, especially dramatic events. The truth is our memories are very malleable. Memories of an event changing to incorporate new 'facts' over time is a well known phenomenon in psychology. This is especially true of memories that are frequently retold. This often happens without us being aware of it.

www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-memory-is-unreliable-and-it-could-be-worse-091313#Learn-More

theconversation.com/are-memories-reliable-expert-explains-how-they-change-more-than-we-realise-106461

Noideaatall · 05/06/2021 20:23

My partner does this often. It's infuriating. We were going out once when he turned to go down a street we never go along because there is a statue that frightens DS on it. He insisted we always went that way and did the whole "looking at me as if I'm crazy" thing. If my older DS hadn't also been there and confirmed my version I would have seriously questioned myself. I suspect he has undiagnosed ADHD.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 05/06/2021 21:02

It sounds to me like he was enjoying being important while talking to the track & trace person, and embellished the story using what happened to you, and then didn't like you calling him out on it, so insisted he was telling the truth. Unless there are other events OP, I certainly wouldn't be worried that he's losing the plot.