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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Condescending friend

13 replies

lana135 · 05/06/2021 09:59

Yesterday i took my 8m old son to a local cafe. There was about 6 of us in there including me and my son. We wernt all sat together but we all happened to know eachother and some of the other people were friends. I usually bump into these people weekly if not every few days. For context I am a 23yr old recently single mother. My family do not live close enought to help out with ds. Had lots of extremely difficult issues with sons father and all the other 4 people know about all of this. I was the youngest adult there by far. Friend 1 was a elderly male .Friend 2 was an older male too and friend 3 was seemingly younger than the other 2, older than me but was cafe staff who i know and get along with. My son was being quite fussy and had been all day and started crying and screaming. Im there reaching the end of my tether saying stuff like 'come on baby youve been like this all day mummy needs a bit of quiet time now'. It was blatantly obvious i was getting stressed out and a bit embaressed and usually i have exes family there to help feed him while i eat. I say to friend 2 and 3 that its much easier for me and ds to both eat when i have his family here to help. Then Friend 1 chimes in from the back of the cafe saying "Its not suppose to be easy you know!'. Friend 1 is usually very friendly and polite and always to comes to say hello and ask about our day but today he didnt. The comment definitely did not come cross as a joke or just something to add to the conversation. he seemed angry and to be honest it almost felt like being chastised by a parent. Me and friend 1 are not super close so its not like we can just say anything eachother. Friend 3 proceeds to say thats not very nice. I stay quiet. When i left i felt as though had i been 10 years older and married friend 1 wouldnt have made that comment. I cant explain why. It felt very condescending and not to mention rude to just chime in like that when i wasnt speaking to him. I thought if you dont have anything nice to say, say nothing. It wasnt helpful at all and i left feeling rather embaressed. Had the comment just been said casually in passing it wouldnt have bothered me in the slightest but he seemed angry almost as though telling me off. It was very bizarre and made me feel a little angry. Aibu to think friend 1 was being condescending and should have just shut up? Starting to feel like he just assumed i thought parenting would easy because im young when ive never even suggested that.

OP posts:
ComeOnPeople · 05/06/2021 10:15

A few things here

I don't think YABU BUT worth taking in to account

You prob feel vulnerable, tired, judged.
This friend could have been having a shitty day
He's had a two minute in sight and made a thoughtless comment
He may have his own experience that's triggered him.

I think what he said was insensitive but there could be lots and lots of reasons why you took it very personally or he could have been thoughtless.

Try not to dwell on it. If something more is said- just say ' is there an issue? I feel like you may have an issue with me at the moment?'

ElderMillennial · 05/06/2021 10:31

From how you've described it, it doesn't sound like what he said was so unkind, particularly as you know him and he's bit a stranger. The fact that the other friend said it wasn't very nice supports your interpretation of it but it may be that you are being oversensitive.

Catflapkitkat · 05/06/2021 10:42

It sounds as if he was trying to be funny but missed the mark. Sometimes people try to lighten the situation with a bit of humour but as you say, he is the one you know least.
I don't think he was being intentionally condescending, it was a naff attempt at wit during a self conscious moment for you.

JellyTumble · 05/06/2021 10:50

I think YABU. I think you were stressed and just took it the wrong way.

eatsleepread · 05/06/2021 10:52

YANBU. His comment was pointless and annoying.

Aprilx · 05/06/2021 10:54

I think you took it the wrong way, I actually think it was more likely he was trying to show some understanding and that people did not expect you to find it easy.

Original poster
lana135 · 05/06/2021 10:56

@ComeOnPeople I think your right. Usually i wouldnt care about that kind of comment. It was more so just the way he said it, tone of voice ect. That made him seem annoyed at me. Im probably just being sensitive. Hes never said anything remotely like this so i think we were all just a little suprised

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 05/06/2021 10:57

@aprilx that's a good point. He could have meant it that way. Its just the way he said it and he didnt speak to me before or after, just made it comes across a bit unfriendly.

OP posts:
Rosewood017 · 05/06/2021 11:03

I agree with @Aprilx he was probably trying to show sympathy but came across judgey!

When my DD was 3 weeks old we went in Costa and she was screaming. They took so long with my coffee I left. But while waiting someone said 'haven't you got a dummy you can give her?'. I felt like I was being reprimanded for not doing enough to make her feel comfortable but looking back he was probably just trying to be helpful.

Original poster
lana135 · 05/06/2021 11:10

@Rosewood017 come to think it, hearing your situation, your probably right. The whole thing just seemed so bizarre because he hadnt spoken up until that point and didn't speak after. Im a first time mum and its been hard navigating peoples well intended comments about things.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/06/2021 11:34

I'm not sure age has anything to do with it but most mothers have to manage on their own at some point, and not rely on family. Can't really see much wrong with what he said.

mam0918 · 05/06/2021 11:57

So you went out knowing your child was fussy and having a terrible day (so predictable what would happen not a sudden suprise), let him scream down the cafe, didnt even attempt to leave dispite the fact it was getting worse and then blamed it on the lack of help from other people?

YABU... I was a single mam, my oldest during that time went through an awful phase of screaming all day long at about 6 months old and it sucked, I would have to stand in the garden holding back tears to calm down but I didnt take him to public eateries and foist that problem on others who are trying to relax.

shouldistop · 05/06/2021 12:05

When i left i felt as though had i been 10 years older and married friend 1 wouldnt have made that comment.

I AM 10 years older and married and I've had plenty of condescending and rude comments since becoming a parent. Sadly it comes with the territory.

Sorry you were made to feel rubbish Thanks

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