WIBU to find long lost brother

[Coffeecakeandwine]

I’ll try and put as much detail here so as not to drip feed (also NC as would be outing with other posts on my regular username, and would prefer my family not to be aware, as will become apparent!)

Firstly:

6 years ago, my dad told me that he had a child before he met my mum. He hasn’t seen his first child since they were a year old.

My half brother got in touch with my dad when he turned 18, and my dad refused to speak to him.

When dad told me about my half brother, he expressly forbade finding him.

Secondly:

My dad is now very sick with terminal cancer. He has again stated that he does not want anyone to get in touch with his son, and doesn’t want his brother to know he is sick (he is NC with his brother)

Thirdly:

His brother - they stopped speaking around the time my half brother would have been 18. They always got on fairly well prior to that. My dad has always said they stopped speaking due to an argument about money, and I’ve never thought more of it, aside from being a bit sad to not see my uncle any more (I was a child when this happened).

However, I now feel that my uncle perhaps stayed in contact with my half brother, and disagreed with my dad not being in contact with him. This is something that has only crossed my mind recently.

I’ve been searching for my half brother despite my dad telling me not to. I’ve got as far as finding his name, but cannot get any further.

I’ve found my uncle on social media and ancestry. I’m thinking of contacting him to see if he is in touch with my half brother (and also just to make contact, it makes me really sad I’ve not got any relationship with my dads side of the family)

I’m so torn. I desperately want to contact my half brother, but:

1. I don’t want to bring any pain to him. It must have been so so shit to be rejected by your dad. So to have your half sister get in touch who has had a very present and hands on dad - everything you didn’t get, would bloody hurt.

2. he may want to speak to/get in contact with dad, but this is against dads wishes, and as he is so sick, I really don’t want to stick my oar in.

3. I don’t want to cause unnecessary hurt to my dad. I’m not happy at the fact he abandoned his child. But dad is so sick, he doesn’t need any drama.

I do have any younger full brother, who isn’t bothered either way and happy to plod on never knowing our half brother.

So:

YABU - do not contact uncle or brother it’s unnecessary drama

YANBU - contact your uncle, and if he is in touch with half brother, it’s a bonus

I wouldn’t stir the hornets nest while your father is dying.

Once he’s gone there would be no reasons for you not to make contact with his brother to tell him, and to find out more, but I think while he’s actually dying you should respect his wishes.

I would contact your uncle and he may be able to contact your brother. I think your brother would just be grateful to hear from you after being rejected by your dad. You could fill in some gaps and family history for him . Do you know why your dad was so against seeing him? Good luck . I am in a similar position to your brother and would love to hear from a sibling .

I think you shouldn't try making the decision on behalf of your half brother (trying to guess what's 'best' for him/what he would want). He can make that decision if you decide to give him the option of contact. Because that's what getting in touch would be, it would be giving him the option to accept/reject as he sees fit. Not getting in touch doesn't give him a choice.

I'm torn about the timing. I think if you could definitely keep it all entirely separate from your dad then maybe, but theres probably always a possibility it would come back to him and whilst he's expressed his wishes so clearly and is so unwell that would be awful.

Good luck.

@JustLyra

I wouldn’t stir the hornets nest while your father is dying.

Once he’s gone there would be no reasons for you not to make contact with his brother to tell him, and to find out more, but I think while he’s actually dying you should respect his wishes.

100% this.

@JustLyra this is the way I’m leaning. We don’t know how long dad has, could be 6 months, could be 24 - every day is a gift

@sandgrown I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same situation but on the other side of it. I’m glad to hear that you would welcome contact.

It’s just so hard - on the one hand I’m furious that I was lied to by omission all my life, and that I have a half sibling I have been given no opportunity to know. As such I don’t see why I shouldn’t get in touch.

However, as Justlyra has said - with dad being so unwell, it would be wrong of me to stir the hornets nest. If I did manage to get in touch with my half brother, I can hardly expect him not to want to speak to his dad. “Oh hi half brother, I’m your half sister and want to know you, but our dad still isn’t interested, sorry”. It just cuts to the bone 😞

@PaySeeWhiTa thank you for your comment - I hadn’t thought of it that way at all.

From doing this post I realise I’ve been very self centred just seeing it from my perspective- I’m assuming he will want to talk to me, which he may not want.

If your father raises the 'do not contact uncle/son in my account, whatever you do' card again, personally I'd ask 'can you tell me why, fill me in on the back story a bit more, so I can understand why you don't want them to be in touch and I then have your side of the story to fend off any requests in this matter, and I promise I won't contact them or breathe a word to anyone' .

Otherwise I'd just respect his wishes, once he's gone he's gone and you can do what you wish.

@Coffeecakeandwine I waited until after my mum died to ask family members about my biological father as I never knew him and she didn’t talk about him. Family knew nothing about him . I bitterly regret not having the conversation while I could do so gently have the conversation with your dad .

with dad being so unwell, it would be wrong of me to stir the hornets nest. If I did manage to get in touch with my half brother, I can hardly expect him not to want to speak to his dad. “Oh hi half brother, I’m your half sister and want to know you, but our dad still isn’t interested, sorry”. It just cuts to the bone

I think it would be very cruel to put him in the position of knowing your Dad was alive, but dying and not wanting to talk to him.

It’ll be horrible for him to know that your Dad died, when he passes, not making contact with him, but at least he won’t have to watch/know that you are seeing him regular and having a father/child relationship.

I would follow it up, but I think it would be better all round if you wait until your father has passed.

It's not your father's position to forbid you from contacting your own family members How odd that he believes he has that right/authority

As with PP I wouldn't try to contact your half-brother while your father is still alive because that could be very damaging to him (your half-brother). I would tell your father that you fully intend to contact your uncle and half-brother once he (your father) is gone and is there anything he wishes to tell you/write in a letter for them (for his son at least, I can understand he and his own brother may have fallen out as adults but your one year old half-brother was an entirely innocent party in all this). How awful that he turned him away when he was 18, what was your father's justification for this?

I agree with waiting until after your dad has gone to protect both of them. Whilst it doesn't sound great, someone wanting to know his son, your dad may have had complex reasons and there is a risk that your half brother may push to get in touch which your dad has expressed he doesn't want and is very ill.

And the reasons it would protect your half brother have been outlines by PPs.

You’re all amazing thank you - I couldn’t see the wood for the trees so to speak.

That’s a really nice idea to speak to dad and see if there is anything he’d want to put in a letter. I’ll have a chat with him next time I’m over there.

He’s such a closed book and I’m amazed he ever told me about half brother in all honesty.

I think your dad owes you more information and I’d make that clear to him that you can’t simply drop this now you know you have a half brother. Once he’s gone, if your Uncle has no further information, you’ll be stuck and could start feeling resentful of your father at that point.

If he doesn’t want you to get in touch with your half brother now, you could agree on condition he puts everything he knows into a letter and give it to the solicitor dealing with his will so that you can read it after he’s gone.

I have lots of questions I’d like to ask my mum about a deceased relative but that window closed over 20 years ago and you can’t just forget stuff because someone wants to keep things secret. It doesn’t work like that and it can taint your memories of the person who has died.

@Coffeecakeandwine.

Sorry about your Dad's diagnosis, that's tough. From my experience I'd say make contact, just go carefully and without expectations.

I have 2 siblings who were adopted out by my mother - one before she married and the other after she was with my father (from an affair).

The younger of the two, I went in search of when I first found out they existed. Turned out they'd contacted our mother some years earlier and although they met once, mum then rejected any ongoing relationship. She also told half-sibling not to contact any of mum's other children as we didn't know about them & it would ruin mum's relationship with us etc.

Anyway, half-sibling was delighted to hear from me and we eventually met up. I told my mother after the event and although she was initially upset and annoyed with me 'for interfering' she got over it and we were even able to talk about half-sibling occasionally. As for half-sibling, we have little in common and other than Facebook are not in regular contact but I'm not sorry I did it.

Some years later, other older half-sibling tracked me down and made contact. By this stage mum had dementia so half-sibling contacting her directly wasn't an option anyway. I didn't know about this child so was a bit shocked at first. Again, we have little in common and have not stayed in touch but I think they were glad to have met a blood relative and find out a bit more of the family history.

So all I can say is be prepared for anything and don't assume joyful tearful reunions as in Long Lost Family (certainly NOT my experience, it was all quite awkward at first) but it can still be a good thing to do.

Your Dad having cancer is a complication but in some ways not dissimilar to my mother getting dementia and one half sibling never being able to properly meet her.. He might be angry if he knows you've contacted half brother, that is a risk, but then he might not. (My mother cried a lot and threw a bit of a wobbly but then got over it). He might change his mind about meeting your half-brother, or not. But once he's gone, that option is no longer there. There is a chance half brother might feel doubly rejected if your father refuses to see him in the final months but he may also understand that a last minute meeting is too much for your father and just be happy to have met you.

Good luck & best wishes, whatever you choose to do.

Gather the information, and leave it until after your father passes away