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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not know how to respond?

29 replies

UnfriendlyFriendly · 04/06/2021 21:55

A friend (let's call him Ollie) has been talking to someone online since the end of March. Three weeks ago, they met up in person and slept together. Ollie was due to see her last weekend but she text him last Friday saying she's no longer interested in a relationship with him. Ollie was obviously upset so I spent a few days with him, talking through it etc. We've been phoning each other and messaging each other over the last week and he's not getting any better. He's made references to suicide, saying that he'll never be happy again, that his heart is shattered, that he's a shell of a man etc etc.
I really want to be supportive and to help him but, truthfully, I feel like he's being completely absurd. He's met this woman one time. I can barely formulate responses anymore because I just feel like rolling my eyes.
WIBU to tell him (kindly and gently) that it's ridiculous? If it is unreasonable to do that then how do I respond?

OP posts:
FuckyouCovid21 · 04/06/2021 21:59

Does he have a history of mental health problems? If not he sounds a tad dramatic

parietal · 04/06/2021 22:01

can you tell him stories of how OLD often ends up like this - short relationships & inexplicable breakups, and it is just part of the (horrible) game of it.

Looubylou · 04/06/2021 22:05

I would tell him his reaction is totally out of proportion and he's not seeing things clearly. I would suggest this is about his emotional wellbeing generally and not the loss of this non relationship. Encourage him to seek help eg GP, and look up the number of your local mental health crisis team for him you think he really is at risk of self harm. You've been a great friend so far.

MyPanda · 04/06/2021 22:05

How old is Ollie? Has he had previous relationships? And as pp asked - does he have a history of mh problems?

SolarDay · 04/06/2021 22:08

Do you really want to be friends with Ollie? He sounds like a insufferable drip.

They met up once, she had the courtesy to straight up say she's not interested. They had only been talking from March and met up ONCE for sex. Move the fuck on Ollie.

🙄

Original poster
UnfriendlyFriendly · 04/06/2021 22:11

He's had previous relationships, some low-level depression mental health issues in the past, he's not normally this "drippy". I do think he need to seek some help because this doesn't feel like a rational response but I'm not how to tell him that politely.

OP posts:
DotsandCo · 04/06/2021 22:14

Yeah, I seriously couldn't deal with this...I'm obviously not a great person! I'd have run out of patience by day 2 I'm afraid! You're a much better friend than me OP, all credit to you. Ollie needs to get his act together and move on...this is bonkers! He had a date and a shag with a one night stand ffs! Just tell him to get over it already, you're all out of fucks to give him!

Clumsyvolcano · 04/06/2021 22:15

This is why you shouldn’t really sleep with people at the first opportunity if you’re after something serious, you never know if they will do one afterwards and then you end up hurt. People need to be explicit about what they want to gain from the relationship.

It’s probably more that he feels used/ inadequate and if he really liked her when they talked for months online and he thought she respected him, that’s got to hurt his feelings if they don’t have the same ideas about sex as each other.

Don’t make him feel ridiculous. Maybe ask why it’s making him feel this way? What he liked about her? People can actually fall for people without meeting them in person.

Frame your responses accordingly. She wasn’t the one for him if she will just drop him like that, so maybe emphasise that.

Grenlei · 04/06/2021 22:22

I don't think anyone talking about suicide and self harm should be dismissed as being a drip Hmm especially considering he doesn't seem from what the OP has posted to be the type of person who regularly threatens this kind of stuff for the sake of the drama.

It sounds like he is incredibly low. OLD experiences can be like death by 1000 cuts and after the past year if he's already feeling isolated and low this may seem like the final straw. Yes it's a disproportionate reaction but to someone with existing issues it can seem like the end of the world. Please don't just dismiss him because it seems like an over reaction and you think he needs to pull himself together. Encourage him to seek professional support asap.

chickensupernoodles · 04/06/2021 22:24

I think some of the responses on here are really harsh and unfair

I was exactly like your friend when I was in my mid 20's and it was the very reason I didn't date for a long time. I met someone and we dated for around a month, he broke things off as I became jealous, insecure, needy etc. It honestly felt like my whole world had come crumbling down. I felt heartbroken. I tried to take my own life and (thankfully failed). To me it was a normal reaction, to others I look absolutely insane. I was later diagnosed with a personality disorder. Fear of abandonment is a real thing, you should read about it.

If your friend does have mental health problems your response shouldn't be "get over it"

UhtredRagnarson · 04/06/2021 22:26

Question- has Ollie been working from home and generally deprived of social normality for the duration of covid?

Grenlei · 04/06/2021 22:31

Just to add, I went through some traumatic experiences and bereavements when I was much younger, really painfully sad times but as awful as all of that was (and I was in physical pain from the grief at times) at no point did I ever feel as low and utterly hopeless as I did after dabbling with OLD. My experiences with trying to meet a partner online left me the closest to suicidal I have ever been in my life. And that was without all the lockdown shit of the past year. I think it's very easy to be dismissive of how traumatic the whole process of rejection can be.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 22:34

Something similar happened to me after I separated from my now ExH.

It was a short lived relationship and I coped very badly when it ended abruptly and messily.

I think my highly emotional reaction was due to years of unexpressed sadness, depression, disappointment that caused me to have what I can only describe as a mini breakdown.

To others I might've looked like a 'drip' but it was very very real to me. It was painful and devastating at the time but really a symptom of a bigger, Unacknowledged problem that I hadn't addressed.

It might look like an overreaction but there's clearly something bigger going on. I hope he's ok.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 22:36

Just to echo a pp's point about having a personality disorder / I too was diagnosed with EUPD several years after and abandonment is a massive trigger for me.

Lulola · 04/06/2021 22:47

Some of these responses are awful. Male suicide is at an all time high, as someone that has experienced a member of my family killing himself I could never ignore a cry for help.

It might seem out of proportion but we never know the full story. We don’t know every aspect of his life that has led to this point and it very much could be the straw that broke the camels back.

OP you don’t have to be the one to support him and that is fine, but please help him find support from somewhere else.

Original poster
UnfriendlyFriendly · 04/06/2021 22:55

Just to be clear, I'm not making light of depression or suicide - I'm just saying that this isn't an appropriate, rational or measured response to the situation. If I continue the facade that it is reasonable and that his devastation is an appropriate response then it very much shies away from him getting any help. But I can't really say "get some help" without him getting defensive and turning away.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 23:00

@UnfriendlyFriendly

Just to be clear, I'm not making light of depression or suicide - I'm just saying that this isn't an appropriate, rational or measured response to the situation. If I continue the facade that it is reasonable and that his devastation is an appropriate response then it very much shies away from him getting any help. But I can't really say "get some help" without him getting defensive and turning away.
But that's the point that two people have already made - that externally, it looks disproportionate so it's very possible it's triggered something much deeper. Please don't be dismissive.
OhSayWhat · 04/06/2021 23:04

It’s a disproportionate response. Signpost him to get professional help and support. Then step back into the role of friend rather than counsellor.

Grenlei · 04/06/2021 23:05

Sadly many people who commit suicide or attempt it often do it over something seemingly trivial or irrational. My partner's best friend killed himself in his early 20s after a minor disagreement with his girlfriend.

Could you take the approach that you do sympathise but you are worried about him because you hate to see him in such distress, and while you're happy to talk it through, you're not sure if you are helping and whether he might find it beneficial to speak to a counsellor or similar? I think it's important not to voice that this is in your view an over reaction, but I do think he needs someone professional to explore these issues with.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2021 23:08

@Grenlei

Sadly many people who commit suicide or attempt it often do it over something seemingly trivial or irrational. My partner's best friend killed himself in his early 20s after a minor disagreement with his girlfriend.

Could you take the approach that you do sympathise but you are worried about him because you hate to see him in such distress, and while you're happy to talk it through, you're not sure if you are helping and whether he might find it beneficial to speak to a counsellor or similar? I think it's important not to voice that this is in your view an over reaction, but I do think he needs someone professional to explore these issues with.

Yep. My brother did just before Christmas. He mentioned being a bit overwhelmed about a house move. Nobody thought anything of it and thought he was perhaps being a bit dramatic. He hanged himself. It was a complete shock.
Sparklfairy · 04/06/2021 23:16

It doesn't sound like it's the loss of the woman herself that's really affecting him, but the loss of the relationship he imagined they could have.

When you're feeling fragile, going from that happy state of having just slept together and the possibilities and hope and excitement, then having it suddenly snatched from you can be pretty devastating.

Sparklfairy · 04/06/2021 23:17

Also those thoughts that he'll never find someone, he's not good enough, what did he do wrong etc. If his self esteem and mental health are at a low then he will take rejection particularly hard.

toocold54 · 04/06/2021 23:22

I would tell him that everything happens for a reason and that although it may hurt now he will look back on it and understand why.
If it carries on then I’d offer to help him with OLD dating and getting back out there.
If it carries on even more then I’d be getting a bit firmer with him.

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/06/2021 23:37

Candy I am sorry for your loss Thanks

It seems that men have suffered greatly in lockdown (I know women have too). I think loneliness is not something they can verbalise. Try and get him to get some help OP

SolarDay · 05/06/2021 07:12

@UnfriendlyFriendly There is a thread on another UK social media platform that reads VERY similarly to your friend's 'situation', but from the perspective of the woman.

The man in question has tracked her down on SM, on a business page, without knowing her full name and other personal details, somehow figuring it out from her OLD profile. Creepy!!

This woman has posted anonymously for advice too. Most are advising block and delete or generic reply and block and delete and or to report to the police.

I'd urge your friend Ollie to seek help - counselling, meditation, CBT, ADs. If this has been his reaction to rejection/mixed messages/ghosting I wouldn't be surprised if he's stalking/harassing her or has done with other women in the past.