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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with this person.

26 replies

bethmc93 · 04/06/2021 18:34

I need a mute button because I’m seriously fed up.

I met a girl on a DV course, she’s been assaulted by her ex partner who she was with for 6 weeks and was told by several people he was abusive. She was singing his praises and calling his victims liars. Until it happened to her.

Now it’s all woe is me, constantly telling lies and attention seeking, I get situations can differ and I don’t think any victim is worse off than the other but I genuinely think she loves the attention from this.

She’s told me in the past 3 weeks I don’t have PTSD, I don’t know what abuse is, I should be lucky I only witnessed my father dying and didn’t have all my fingers broken my a partner.

She’s become so reliant on me because I never talk about my problems or what I’m going through.

AIBU to just say fuck off.

OP posts:
romdowa · 04/06/2021 18:35

Just block her! I'd have done it after she said you didn't have ptsd. She sounds like a pita and you owe her nothing at all!

DavidTheDog · 04/06/2021 18:36

Sounds very Drama Triangle.

Dora26 · 04/06/2021 18:36

I think Fuck Off is perfect

Stormwhale · 04/06/2021 18:41

If you want to be at all diplomatic and gentle in your fuck off statement you could just say that you need to focus on your own recovery. She sounds like a bellend though. If they were together for 6 weeks and she was in denial that the bloke was a wrongun for some of it, I do feel her experience is likely to be somewhat different to women who have suffered years of abuse.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 04/06/2021 18:49

I tend to be the “listening ear” for people and it’s starting to become draining especially like this. It’s every single day talking about the symptoms of PTSD. If it’s not about that it’s about her life, her new partner, her job.

I don’t have many friends as my ex cut me off from everyone, she’s the only new “friend” I’ve made and even she’s a dick.

OP posts:
BlueSurfer · 04/06/2021 18:50

I would just block and ignore her.

SunshineCake · 04/06/2021 18:51

Partner after six weeks? Ridiculous.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 04/06/2021 18:53

Her and her ex have been split up since March. She’s with someone else now who’s just come out of prison. I don’t know much about her but I’m sure as hell it’s all done for effect.

OP posts:
Peoniesandpeaches · 04/06/2021 19:02

She is a dementor not a friend. Every hour you waste on her is an hour you could be using to explore other friendship opportunities. Also I’m a firm believer that being the listening ear for people like this is just enabling their self absorption. If she needs that much listening to then it should be coming from a professional not you.

TheWernethWife · 04/06/2021 19:06

Can't you get back in touch with your old friends or have they taken your ex side

PinkMendinilla · 04/06/2021 19:06

She's not your friend OP, you will make new ones. You're doing great to seek help after such a hard time. Just block. Or as a PP says, if you feel like being charitable, tell her you need to focus on your own recovery and block.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 04/06/2021 19:20

I’m still friends with old friends I’m just starting to reintegrate with my old group and I am a private person so don’t tend to delve into my own life or how I feel and stuff which is an annoying trait of mine!

OP posts:
pleasegivemesomeadvice · 04/06/2021 19:30

I'd honestly just block her

Original poster
bethmc93 · 04/06/2021 19:45

I just don’t wanna feel guilty that I’ve blocked someone. Ex has literally made me feel like I’m always in the wrong

OP posts:
Yellowhighheels · 05/06/2021 10:57

You've nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not maligning the other woman as I'm sure there are reasons behind her behaviour, but by the sounds, she will just latch onto someone else. Sometimes we have to put our own needs first and that can mean distancing ourselves from someone who is not bringing anything good to our table.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/06/2021 11:42

@bethmc93

I tend to be the “listening ear” for people and it’s starting to become draining especially like this. It’s every single day talking about the symptoms of PTSD. If it’s not about that it’s about her life, her new partner, her job.

I don’t have many friends as my ex cut me off from everyone, she’s the only new “friend” I’ve made and even she’s a dick.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking anyone is better than no one. You deserve better.
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 05/06/2021 11:55

You dont owe her anything. Wrong is a very black and white term. Do what is right for YOU. Surviving domestic violence isnt a competition ffs. Shes not your friend, she is someone you know.

QioiioiioQ · 05/06/2021 11:58

She sounds very damaged and dysfunctional

Chocaholic9 · 05/06/2021 12:06

I would let her know that you will now be less available because you want to focus on your own recovery. You do not need to put up with people like this. She sounds like a user and she will chew you up and spit you out. Get out now.

Losttheplotyearsago · 06/06/2021 01:44

She needs therapy

unwuthering · 06/06/2021 03:25

I think Fuck off would be the polite thing to say in this situation.

View it as an important step in healing your damaged boundaries, post DV.

Original poster
bethmc93 · 06/06/2021 10:28

The issue is she’s got a child And I’m genuinely concerned with how much she’s enjoying the sympathy and attention from this. It’s not normal. X

OP posts:
HandfulofDust · 06/06/2021 10:31

I think it's great to be the person people can come to to offload on but there does need to be a line and you do need to prioritise your own mental health. It sounds like this woman is Waaaaaaay beyond that limit (the line is a dot to her). I'd honestly just make some simple statement like 'you need to prioritise your own MH now' then blank/block her and don't engage with her any further.

Notaroadrunner · 06/06/2021 10:36

@bethmc93

I just don’t wanna feel guilty that I’ve blocked someone. Ex has literally made me feel like I’m always in the wrong
Take some control of your life. You don't need to put up with this shite from anyone. Your ex doesn't rule you. He doesn't get a say in what you do anymore so stop thinking about what he would say or do or how he would make you feel in the wrong for ditching this drain of a person. Stop being available to her. If you don't want to block her straight away then don't answer all texts. If she's talking to you don't engage as much, just be vague and change the subject to the weather, what you're having for dinner and other such boring stuff. Then gradually just stop answering her calls.

However, if it were me I'd just tell her I didn't have the energy for her problems and that she'd be better off getting professional counselling. And then I'd block her.

angryflipper · 06/06/2021 10:40

@bethmc93 you need to take care of yourself and prioritize this rather than someone who isn't in your immediate circle.

You can't be there for everyone!
If you don't feel comfortable blocking and walking away, start by pausing before everything. A pause is genuinely very powerful, as it creates a moment for you to consider everything and then give your considered opinion, rather than just agreeing or offering support.

You can also start off with soft 'no', creating a sense of your values and boundaries. ('Thank you for sharing with me. Sounds great and I am pleased for you but that's not for me at the moment.' END OF CHAT.)

Or...block and walk away.