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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Organ donation in partner’s family

95 replies

Flawedperfection · 04/06/2021 17:24

Hi,

First time poster, longtime lurker.

As the title suggests, I have a question about organ donation in my partner’s family.

My partner’s brother needs a kidney and has done so for a while. Some family members have been tested to no avail and now it’s widely considered to be my partner’s “turn” to do so. The issue is that they are not close and whilst my partner is concerned (naturally, as a fairly decent human being) about their sibling, it’s a big thing to do for someone you don’t care for/aren’t in touch with and are unsure if you want to take such a risk for.

Sadly, the sibling really does need the kidney and has two young kids. Their partner is not a match. Not relevant, but financially they are ok. My partner is not ok financially and is a job hopper with no real security (same for me).

I’m concerned that my partner would give the organ and if something went wrong be screwed, financially and health wise. We have no support of any sort from family and are private renters. For full disclosure we don’t have kids as it didn’t happen for us so we don’t have young people to let down, but I also feel this is why we are feeling pressured for my other half to test and donate.

Thanks for reading!

Yanbu- it’s a risk with no guarantees for all involved
Yabu- don’t be selfish- it’s just a kidney; your partner will recover, should be able to mange with just one and must help!

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 14:03

I don't think the finances matter though.

When you live in poverty or very low-income in private rented with no job security, it's paramount in your life, your finances. As my wise father always said, 'Money isn't everything, unless you have none.'

BlueTriskel · 05/06/2021 14:09

@ElderMillennial

It's a personal decision and not for anyone else to judge. People do judge but all our relationships are different.

I don't think the finances matter though. The way you mentioned them in your OP, I wondered whether you were suggesting the brother / family should give your DP some money if he donated the kidney.

Maybe get tested and then make a decision.

Of course they matter, if the OP’s partner is contemplating voluntarily undertaking surgery that will involve him being unable to work, possibly for months, particularly if he’s someone jobhopping in insecure, badly-paid jobs as the OP suggests. He needs to consider the economic repercussions for his own life.

DreamingNow · 05/06/2021 14:12

@osbertthesyrianhamster, why counselling?
Because clearly he is struggling to reach a decision, otherwise the OP wouldn’t have started this thread.

I agree the biggest issue is how pushy the family is. But that should be part of the counselling course...

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 14:15

[quote DreamingNow]@osbertthesyrianhamster, why counselling?
Because clearly he is struggling to reach a decision, otherwise the OP wouldn’t have started this thread.

I agree the biggest issue is how pushy the family is. But that should be part of the counselling course...[/quote]
It sounds like he and the OP have plenty of money for this counselling, too. He's not struggling to reach a decision from the sounds of it, he's being pressured by his family to be tested and then donate. He needs to find a way to decline.

bengalcat · 05/06/2021 14:29

Even if he were a potential tissue match then if he's not up for it then its perfectly truthful for the transplant team to say he's not a suitable match .
As PP said he needs to work out how to decline - he either says no now and has to deal with the family fallout or gets tested and if not a match then that's his problem solved . Of course if he is tested and is a tissue match then he will have to find a way to deal with that knowledge .

MamaWren · 05/06/2021 14:30

I have donated a kidney to a family member about 11 years ago. Physically, it took me about a month to recover, and I've had no issues so far, with 2 healthy, normally pregnancies since. Financially, my loss of earnings was covered by the NHS. Emotionally, despite the transplant failing about 2 years ago, I still think it was the right thing to do. The process is so rigorous though, that there is no way that I would have been accepted as a donor if I'd had any doubts.

PearPickingPorky · 05/06/2021 14:37

Not sure what joy you'd really get out of being coerced into being a living donor to someone who is a blood-relative but virtual stranger to you, especially when the recipient and his family have made it clear that they aren't going to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong for the donor (your DP).

Rather than feeling good about what you did, I think I'd just feel exploited, tbh.

Sidneysussex · 05/06/2021 14:42

If he attends the appointments and explains to the specialist nurse/ doctor. That he is being pressured and doesn't want to they will just say he wasn't a match! Happens alot.
Maybe phone them rather than waist time though.

Original poster

Flawedperfection · 05/06/2021 18:31

Thanks for all these messages that I’ve just caught up with. Yes, @osbertthesyrianhamster, the guilt thing is shit but it is the disease that’s caused any of this, not an unwilling donor who doesn’t feel keen to take a big risk with no guarantee.

And @MamaWren, amazing that you felt able to donate. What a shame it didn’t end well, but an incredible gesture and I’m genuinely glad that you felt it was worth it.

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 05/06/2021 21:29

Op, your OP was written from the perspective of what you would prefer to happen or not happen. The question is how does your partner feel about it. No one should be pressured into giving up part of their body - that would be the wrong reason for him to donate. But have you talked about how he would feel if his brother did die? I think you need to have that conversation. No one would be OK about that - but at the same time its his body and if he is not prepared to give up a kidney than that should be really OK. I don't know about the organ donor process but from what I have read if he doesn't want to give one up and is only going through the testing due to guilt presumably he would not be deemed as a suitable donor anyway.

Original poster

Flawedperfection · 06/06/2021 13:32

Thanks for all messages again.
@ittakes2, he doesn’t want to donate and is worried that if he tests and is positive as a match he’ll feel guilt-tripped into doing it or made to feel crap if his brother deteriorates or died, even though this would be (as another pp said, the disease’s fault NOT my partner’s).

Getting tested and being negative as a match but he feels awful for feeling like this and almost hoping for that outcome.

Again, he doesn’t want his brother to suffer in any way and would hope to help in other ways but the ill brother and family are not interested in this. It’s “a kidney please sir, or piss off”, basically. Which is a good enough reason not to donate imho.

But we are both aware- again- of how awful it is for the growth to be in this position and even though he’s not a nice person would not wish this on him. Unfortunately not all wishes/dreams once true and life is unfair. Very.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flawedperfection · 06/06/2021 13:34

Several typos there and a bit of second paragraph got cut, so hope it is legible!

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/06/2021 13:41

I'd honestly tell his family I've got diabetes and can't donate. Or contact the place where he'd be tested and tell them, 'I'm being pressured to do this and do not wish to donate'. He does not need to justify this, to make excuses, to feel guilt for not doing so, this is not his fault! He shouldn't even be tested, make an excuse or contact the centre so they can pass on that he's not a match, because someone who is not 100% onboard is not a match.

Newestname001 · 06/06/2021 14:02

Agree with what @osbertthesyrianhamster says:

Or contact the place where he'd be tested and tell them, 'I'm being pressured to do this and do not wish to donate'.

That then takes away the pressure your partner's family is currently exerting.🌹

FeedMeSantiago · 06/06/2021 15:23

I agree that he is not a suitable donor if he doesn't want to do it. I wouldn't go as far as getting tested, I'd take Osbert's advice:

Or contact the place where he'd be tested and tell them, 'I'm being pressured to do this and do not wish to donate

TurquoiseDragon · 06/06/2021 16:03

I would only ever donate to my DCs. No one else.

The risks to donors are higher than to recipients, and as a single parent I will not be taking a risk that could take me away from the DC.

And while I've seen mention of a 3 month recovery period, I've also seen people mention on here (and one case in RL) where recovery took up to a year. I cant afford to be taking that long to recover.

So I agree with this:

Or contact the place where he'd be tested and tell them, 'I'm being pressured to do this and do not wish to donate

Castlepeak · 06/06/2021 16:52

In the end, the biology isn’t the only thing that makes a good match for a living donor. Psychological readiness is incredibly important. Your partner doesn’t meet that criteria.

The family should understand that and not make him feel guilty for not being a good candidate. It’s also easy to see though why they might not be on their best behavior. People do stupid things when faced with the death of someone they love.

Patapouf · 06/06/2021 17:50

Can't you just say he's been tested and isn't a match?

Rosie120 · 12/01/2024 12:13

I realise this is an old post but wonder why you think the potential donor would be thrown under a bus? I'm going through this currently and my understanding is to the contrary. If you are a live donor and your remaining kidney fails at some point in your life my understanding is that you will go to the front of the transplant waiting list yourself.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/01/2024 02:40

If he wants to consider it, can he get tested for match without the others knowing? Then it makes the decision a bit more real. If I was fully anti I would tell a white lie and say I was rejected due to a health issues (weight, meds, heart, whatever one of the exemptions is)

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