To not allow overnight contact

[Dibdabdolly]

I had a blazing row with my dcs dad yesterday because he wants overnight contact and I have refused due a number of factors.

1. he has only been back in contact with dc for 6 months after not seeing them for 2 years (his decision)

2. he refuses to take them to their weekend activities, which I pay for and they have been going to for 5 years.

3. he is in an unstable toxic relationship with a woman that has continuously stalked me and my dc and has said and done some pretty vile things to me.

4. I don't trust his judgement when it comes to his partner, she is very sneaky and I feel like she would be interrogating them on what's going on in my life.

There is a huge backstory that I really don't want to get into, but those are the main points that I feel uneasy about.
I have no intentions of stopping contact with their dad and he is more than welcome to come and take them out do as he pleases and bring them home, but I just don't feel comfortable throwing them into this situation as they have never had overnights with him in the past because he never lived in suitable accommodation to facilitate that.

I'm now being made out to be the devil ex wife and I don't know what to do for the best.

How old are the DC and do they want to stay overnight or not with their dad? That would be primary issue to me, what do the DC feel or want?

You say he can take the DC and “take them out, do as he pleases and bring them home” but one of your reasons is he doesn’t take them to the weekend activities you have planned and paid for? This seems conflicting, as it sounds like he is doing that but that’s one of your reasons for not allowing nights? So can he or can’t he?

You say his new girlfriend is toxic and has stalked you and been vile to you. If these statements are bald facts and not at all exaggerated, then your #1 reason for saying no would be concern about children’s safety with her not the “he’s only been back in contact for 6 months” reason. Is this the typical mutual dislike of ex for new gf or something more worrying?

You're doing what's best for your DC. I wouldn't allow it either.

I wouldn't allow it. He's been out of their lives for 2 years and now only been back for 6 months. I dont think thats long enough after f***g off for that length of time. He can't have it all his way.

He should be maintaining their routine and taking them to their activities. That's really unfair on the children, shouldn't he be proving himself after leaving them for so long? It's not fair you're funding them and he's choosing not to take them. Why is he doing this?

You need to be comfortable with his partner to allow your children to stay over. That's just the nature of it.

Of course you're being made out to be the devil. Even if you pandered to his every whim, if his gf is jealous of you there will always be an underlying issue. Children pick up on this kind of thing but his relationship is up to him to address.

OP,

He was gone for 2 years?
Enough said.

They have one stable parent and a loser.

Don't entertain him.

People will tell you that’s it’s important for the children to have contact with their father and that’s true. That in my mind doesn’t need to include overnight visits.

Trust your gut, day visits are fine in this case

If he wants overnight access let him take you to court to get it. You are doing what you think is in your dcs best interest, that's all you can do x

@PlanDeRaccordement I take them to their activities myself, it usually finishes by 12.30 and he will collect them after.
This is also not the usual dislike of a new partner, there have been police called on 3 occasions where she has harrased me and was one of the main reasons exdp stopped contact.

You call the shots here

If he wanted an equal say in this, he’s have done a better job of it until now.

He doesn’t have to like it.

You need to consider what a court would say. Are you kids happy with him? Would they like overnight stays? Is the current arrangement what you agreed or is it dictated by the courts? 6 months transition doesn't seem unreasonable from a legal perspective if the expectation is to resume regular contact.

I would resist for now, I agree. But be warned if he pushes in court there is (sadly) a very high chance he will be awarded up to50/50 overnight contact. The courts and cafcass at present set a desperately low bar for this. My ex has taken unbearable risks with the children and is still allowed overnight contact

(nb I am not telling you what I think the outcome should be, just warning you how little fucks are given by the courts about quality of parenting etc)!

If he took it to court he'd probably get some overnight contact which would increase up to 50/50 and he wouldn't be obliged to take them to activities as courts would see contact as more important than activities (I'm assuming that these activities aren't things like swimming for county level or something serious)
He'd unfortunately be allowed to have the kids and gf meet too.

Morally he fucked off for 2 years so you obviously don't want to stop activities when he could suddenly disappear again. The kids need stability and reassurance from him rather than toxic behaviour that will distress the kids. He should prioritise them if he's serious about making things up to them.

DC are happy being with him and do enjoy going out with him so that's obviously why I wouldn't stop contact, however they know nothing about the other side of things re the toxic nature of their dads relationship and all the harassment as I've completely kept it away from them, so if I asked they would say yes to having an overnight with him.

When it comes down to their activities, they are on a team and train 3 times a week, I do understand that he is under no obligation to take them on his time, but it damn well pisses me off that they will miss out because he refuses to take them.

Yanbu to be pissed off that he fucks off for 2 years and isn't now doing the stuff like taking them to their sport to show commitment. It's not even cold and miserable now and it's easy brownie points that he can score with the kids.

It's good that the kids don't know what the gf is like. I'd be worried about someone like her dripping poison in their ears.

If he was that bothered he’d arrange mediation or apply to the family court. While he isn’t and is just having a go at you I’d ignore it and restrict contact between you to essentials.