To think you should only have another child if YOU (and your dp if applicable) wnat another one not because it's cruel to "deprive" dcs of a sibling(s)?

[peacelily]

I know this has been done a few times recently and I've posted it before just wanted to vent really!

A friend of mine who also has a 14 mo dd is trying for another dc at mo. She's shocked that I'm still in 2 minds about whether we're going to have another at all. She seems to think it's cruel in some way to leave my dd as an only child as when we die (morbid I know) she'll have no one. I pointed out that:

1. We're skint and we'd be over our heads with another dc
2. I don't get to spend as much time with my dd as I'd like anyway (I work 4 days a week) cos of work and what's the point of having another and spending even less time with both of them!?
3. I'm terrified and s**t scared of going thru labour again.

She's a SAHM (nothing against that by the way) her dh pays for everything, she goes shopping nearly everyday, Italy 5 times a year and doesn't want to work for less than 30K a year as "she's worth more" and doesn't see why she should. She claims her life is hard and I expect it is in some ways I'm not SAHM bashing. But to have all that on a plate and no empathy as to why my situation is different, it p**s me off.

What do the rest of you think am I just making excuses or does she have a valid point?

You're absolutely right Peacelily. I had my second because I thought I ought to. One child is better in so many ways!

I think many people factor 'not wanting DC to be alone' type thinking into their decision making about family planning, whether conciously or sub conciously. So I don't think its awful that your friend thinks this way, and I daresay its really only a small part of her thinking anyway - she probably wants more children for several reasons, and this is just one of them that she has shared.

However, I don't think it is cruel to only have one child. Locking children up, starving them, beating them...thats cruel. To suggest that having an only child is rediculous and stupid. There are advantages to being an only, and advantages to having siblings. Personally I am glad I have 2 brothers, and have always wanted a large family myself, but cruel...? No way.

yanbu, I nannied for two children who were close in age and they fought all the time, their parents who had no siblings couldn't understand it. Its not at the top of my list but would be one of the reasons I might not have another. I have four siblings, none of us are particularly close.

It's nice to have two. But then, it's nice to be an only in many ways. You lose some, you gain some.

There's no guarantee that siblings will even get on with each other or be close anyway...

i think the decision to have a singleton or siblings is private/personal driven by experiential/ideological beliefs. i have one and that is ideal for us - exactly as planned

I think that there are many valid reasons for having an only child, some of which you have raised yourself. I do however think that having another sibling is an advantage in many ways. I have an 40 year old friend whose parents had her late, and are now both dead. She feels like she is totally on her own now, as they don't have any extended family to speak of. However, its all about balance, and if you don't want antother child, either because you just don't, or because of the very good reasons you outlined you have to make the right decision for your family now, not worry about the future.

You are dead right. Imagine how terrible it would be to feel that you were an unwanted child who only existed because your parents thought they had a duty to have more than one child. Horrid.

She wants more so she can enjoy having a large family which I can understand, she has the time to enjoy it, get all the housework done and still go to the gym 3 evenings a week!

Both myself and dh have decided If we had another we'd like to be in a position where we could have more time to enjoy them.

It's just the way she sneers at my and another friend of ours when we say we can't see how we'd afford it,she doesn't "accept" that as an excuse.

Is that just an excuse? Or a valid reason...

I know several adult only children who always yearned for siblings (although perhaps not having had them, they ignore the complications they can bring). While I wouldn't say it was cruel to have an only child, I think most people do benefit from having a sibling reasonably close in age. With these adult only children there can be very complicated relationships with parents as well because there is no one with whom they can share the focus of parental expectation and attention.

Overrun, that is what plays on my mind when I'm going over it. The thought of her being alone in the World breaks my heart.

But then she may have cousins by then, a dp of her own, close friends I hope and like a few have said there's no guarantee she'll get on or be close to a sib either.

Sorry, missed your last post - sneering at anyone because of their family size does seem a bit odd. Are you sure you want her as a friend - she sounds ghastly?

i think you have to do what is right for you and your family

and if you have practical and emotional reasons why one child is right for you, then it is not her business, and no-one should ever undertake having another child to please others

as an aside.. if you are shit scared of labour and terrified about birth, i might be able to help you with that, regardless of whether you intend to have more children or not. being left traumatised by labour needs dealing with regardless.

Well, I got to know her cos she was the then girlfriend of a friend of ours (now she's his wife) and she and I got preg at the same time due dates only a week apart etc. etc. This is how we got close and she was lovely when the s**t hit the fan sometimes in the early days, relationship probs, colickly baby, despair etc. etc.

I've realised recently tho she's a total snob! Don't like her as much as I thought i did

I have to say I think she IBU to not understand your pov and think that hers is the only right way. Her decision is right for her (and we made the same decision, for much the same reasons actually - but they were right for us). Your reasoning that you should only have subsequent children for their own sakes is right for you.

However I think you ABU to think that the ONLY reason to have subsequent children is becasue you and your dp want one. It's not as simple as that. I want to go round the world for a few months but can't becasue it;'s not in my family's best interests. Once you have one child then it's not just you and dp to think about, it's the effect it will have on the existing child as well. In other words you no longer make decisions based on what you or your dp want, but decide things based on what you perceive to be best for your family as a whole IYSWIM.

In your friends case and mine we felt it was better for the existing child to have a sibling. But that's not to say that yours or anyone else's reasons for NOT wanting one aren't just as valid. They are for you.

Does make make those who cannot have anymore children for medical reasons cruel? I wonder.

I don't think that not being able to afford children is an excuce not to have them, however, I do think that if we waited till we could afford children, most of us would never have them .

But I don't think that by not having another child you would be depriving your existing dd, there are no guarantees in life, siblings might not get on, might live thousands of miles apart, there's nothing to say they would support each other when you're gone.

There are benefits to having more than one, and there are benefits to having only children. Different choices work for different people.

I have an only child but not through choice, and sometimes I am when I see my friends and my sister with their children, but then other times I see how they struggle to manage with two/three and I'm grateful that actually i have it very easy, and I aan give ds all my attention.

If you choose to have an only child your dd will benefit from all the attention you can give her. But equally you may decide to have another child further down the line - there are no rules that say you have to have a small age gap.

i was an only child - my mum died recently and i get everything and dont have to share it. and i had plenty of extended family to help with burden.#

i was young and incredebly stupid when i too had this point f view " oh he cant be an only child"

ten found out after trying for another one that iwas expecting twins.

Your right Titchy about making decisions based on the best interests of the family as a whole.

I had a hard time (emotionally) during pregnancy and post birth. think I probably had PND but was too proud to ask for help, was certainly excessively anxious and a mess with insomnia (not caused by dd either, she was pretty good sleep wise!).

Now we are a happy (ish, I still have my moments) little unit of 3, I want to be the best Mum I can to my dd not risk being a crap Mum to 2 which is a risk if I have another before we're ready or for the wrong reasons.

I think a happy wife and mum means a happy family, don't you think? Regardless of how many dc there are

Lulumama, thanks for your kind post. I don't really mention that issue a lot because I feel ridiculous, comparatively it wasn't so tough. I felt terrified but didn't think I should so never told anyone.

Ridiculous for a mental health nurse!

spot on wannaBe

Doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, peacelilly - the fact is it's none of her fecking business.
If you do decided to try for another it should be coz that's the right decision for you and your dh, and not because other people say you ought to have a sibling for your dd! Besides, any future children should be wanted as a person in their own right, and not for the sake of another child!

Message withdrawn

I never get this whole 'only children will end up all alone in the world when their parents die'. Don't only children grow up, fall in love and have their own dc's then?

I'm an only child as is DP, we support each other, both have close relationships with our parents but also have close friends who support us through times of stress/need.

My father is also an only, whilst my mother has one sister who she hasn't seen since my nan's funeral in 1991!

My DH and I have one DD and won't be having another but I do have pangs about it.

DH is a lot older than me, I'm not in the first flush of youth either (reproductively speaking) and we had to have fertility treatment (6 IUI and 2 IVF before succeeding) in order to conceive our DD. We could no doubt afford to have tried again but, taking it all into account, decided not to. If almost any one of the main factors had been otherwise, though, we almost certainly would have had another (tho it's only now that dd is 2.4 that I can even imagine doing the baby thing again).

We got the "whatever you do, don't just have one" thing from a relative (an only child herself) who did not realise our situation as she, I think, saw the down side of singletonhood carrying more weight but I've also spoken to only children who think it's great to be the sole beneficiary of their parents' bounty.

Actually, our dd has two sisters from my dh's first marriage but they're both well grown up and one has a dd of her own now so they don't entirely count.