Upset with oh but aibu?

[User8263]

I'll try to keep this short. We got engaged nearly 4 years ago and are no closer to getting married now than we were then. For the first year or so I wasn't too bothered then I started spending some time researching costs and ideas, we would speak briefly about it and agreed we didn't want to spend too much or for it to be to big or far away but other than that he offered no real input. Eventually at the end of last year I told him I wanted to seriously discuss it in the new year.
A few months ago he brought it up, he had chosen his suit and came up with a great idea that suited what we wanted, we discussed guest list, flowers food etc and it ended with us agreeing he would sort holiday dates with his ex and we would arrange it around when we would have his kids next summer.

I then started really looking into things now I knew what the plans were, bought a planner, making loads of notes of companies and their prices and seeing how quick and far in advance things were being booked.
About 6 weeks ago he was discussing some other things with his ex and I asked if he was going to discuss next year's holidays with her and he replied saying " oh it's too early she won't have made her plans yet so there's no point discussing it yet" however we know she does have plans for next year as oldest dsc told us their big holiday was cancelled this year but they are going next year although he doesn't know when.

Now I'm so mad at him, I spent weeks checking certain things and watching dates being booked up, I tried to tell him that with covid the wedding industry will be busy next summer and we need to be organised and start booking things but he just answered that there is loads of time and it will all work out (his answer for everything). A couple of weeks ago I took my ring off to do some spring cleaning and forgot to put it back on until a few days later but then I realised I felt better with it off I wasn't constantly googling things and looking at dresses so iv kept it off. He hasn't even mentioned it and neither have I, infact no one has mentioned it. I feel like we have been engaged for so long with no plans that no one really expects us to get married now, all talk of the wedding has been forgotten, he has even mentioned about doing some work on the garden next year since we won't be going away despite the wedding plans involving a week away with the kids so clearly he has no plans to get married next year after all.

As I said I initially felt better after taking the ring off but now I'm so mad at him for it, I never wanted to get married, he knew that wasn't something I was bothered about but he did want it, he proposed to me without any hints or pressure from me and when he proposed I realised that actually I did want it, we have kids together and both have kids from previous relationships and I realised getting married and joining our family was important and now he isn't bothered about it.
We had a great relationship, we were/are so in love and so connected, enjoy the same things, rarely argue but now, this past week, I'm so mad that he made me want something I was never bothered about and has now taken it away from me with no discussion, I'm mad that somehow his ex gets to dictate our relationship and our plans despite the fact she can do whatever she wants. I think my feelings about it all have changed as we were told by dsc last week that they are being taken out of school for a 2 week holiday later in the year if restrictions allow, this has not been discussed with dp despite the fact it will mean we don't see the kids as per court order during those weeks and he will just let her do it as she will just stop them coming to us and we will need to go back to court again. We can't just tell her we are getting married on whatever date as she will agree we can have them then one of them will "be unwell" at the last minutes and they won't be able to come which is why we agreed to just do it during our holiday contact time and not tell the kids until we have them for our 2 week holiday ( they know we are engaged, i just mean not tell them the exact date).

I honestly don't know what to do, it's really affecting our relationship and how I feel about him right now I barely even want to speak to him, I'm so sick of not being able to make plans for anything due to issues with the ex or his lack of enthusiasm about anything. I don't want to break up with him, I do love him and apart from this we do have a good relationship, I just don't know how to get rid of this anger I feel towards him about it all.
Sorry that was longer than I planned but aibu to be angry about something I wasn't bothered about to begin with and how can I get over this anger?

I don't understand why you have to wait for her to make plans. If he's having a wedding and presumably wants his kids there surely he can tell her 'I'm planning to get married on X date so will need to make sure the kids are around for it' then she would make her plans around that.

You need to sit down and talk about it. Not "what do you think of these flowers?" but "you seem to be dragging your feet/not wanting to get married any more, what's going on?" and see what he says.

He isn’t going to marry you. If you didn’t have children then I would probably say you should leave, but as you do it seems a bit ingenious to leave because he won’t marry you when you have already had children with him. But I would stop wearing the ring, I’d be embarrassed to wear an engagement ring for four years with no sign of a wedding and I think I would feel better without it.

I don't know how you will get rid of your anger.

Clearly what you want has no value and he is controlling your relationship.

Have you stated clearly what you want?
Do that, añd if he tells you that he doesn't agree and want it too, you have your answer.

He doesn't want to get married.

YANBU but you need to be more direct with him as someone else said

I'm mad that somehow his ex gets to dictate our relationship and our plans despite the fact she can do whatever she wants.

Is not his ex that is causing problems - it's him. The first part of your post is so clear about how he has dangled you on a string and has no intention of following through with his promises. Then you start to rant about his ex and I get the impression that somehow that is a distraction from the fact that he is the one who is choosing to prioritise other things over getting married.

He asked, he let you plan, he brought it up again and he then acted like nothing was happening. As hard as it is to consider, he is the one who is choosing not to engage with you on this and it sounds like you need to talk to him about it before you drive yourself crazy with rage!

I agree the issue is not the ex it is DH dragging his feet.

I would pick a time and then say to him that you feel he is dragging his feet and wonder if he no longer wants to get married.

If he says he does then I suggest you both schedule a two hour slot each week to make decisions and plans and allocate tasks to each of you for that week.

If he doesn't then I guess you need to know why.

He’s not that bothered about marrying you

Be much more direct: dp I want to book the wedding for x date

Or just don’t marry him. He thinks he’s done all the work by proposing

@BestOfABadLot we can't just choose a date and tell her as she will agree at the time then come up with an excuse at last minute that means they won't be there and obviously if all the kids can't be there then we wouldn't want to get married without them.
@Aprilx this is exactly how I feel, we had our child together before we got engaged and I never expected us to get married, it was after the birth that he proposed. I don't want to leave him over this as we are a good team, he is an amazing father and partner and makes me feel so loved but this has just ruined it and I do feel embarrassed to wear the ring now.
To everyone asking/saying I should sit him down and discuss what I want/what this means to me, I have, that was the discussion we had at the end of last year, I told him we either seriously make plans or we just forget it, he then came back to me a couple of months later with his ideas and said he definitely did want to get married. I now feel that to have that discussion again and even if this time he did actually discuss holiday dates with his ex and we set a date I'm not sure it would be done for the right reasons now or if it would just be because I have pressured him into it.

@BestOfABadLot

I don't understand why you have to wait for her to make plans. If he's having a wedding and presumably wants his kids there surely he can tell her 'I'm planning to get married on X date so will need to make sure the kids are around for it' then she would make her plans around that.

OP has said that if ex knows they are marrying she will find a way to keep the kids away, so they are not able to tell her they are planning a wedding.

They need to know the dates they will have the kids over next Summer so they can book a wedding during that time!

OP, tbh I would tell your DP that if he doesn't sort out next summer's dates with his ex by the end of the month that you (& him) will just need to go ahead and book a venue and it will just be left to chance as to whether his kids will be able to come or not.

Sounds like he just doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex more so than he doesn't want to rock the boat with you, it's not on.

He could easily tell her that he is looking to book a holiday with the kids next summer, what dates is she going away and he will work around that? Then he has the dates and hasn't even mentioned a wedding.

we can't just choose a date and tell her as she will agree at the time then come up with an excuse at last minute that means they won't be there and obviously if all the kids can't be there then we wouldn't want to get married without them.

How do you ever expect to get married then? If she's never going to hand the kids over no matter when you organise the wedding for?

@AryaStarkWolf

we can't just choose a date and tell her as she will agree at the time then come up with an excuse at last minute that means they won't be there and obviously if all the kids can't be there then we wouldn't want to get married without them.

How do you ever expect to get married then? If she's never going to hand the kids over no matter when you organise the wedding for?

Because OP has said they won't tell her or the kids the wedding is happening until they already have the kids for their 2 weeks over summer.

@DysmalRadius I agree it is totally down to dp, I do realise that actually I am mad at him for allowing his ex to dictate things as she does and that she only does that because he allows it.

Because OP has said they won't tell her or the kids the wedding is happening until they already have the kids for their 2 weeks over summer.

ah I missed that bit, thanks

Sounds like a really stressful situation dealing with that kind of unreasonableness

Has he noticed you've taken the ring off, OP? I'd be inclined to give it another week and then sadly give him the ring back, saying you feel silly still wearing it after all this time as his proposal of marriage hasn't been followed up and doesn't seem as if it ever will be. Remind him it was his idea, not yours, and that you had trusted him to be honest and caring enough to tell you clearly that he'd changed his mind and not just let the idea dribble into the sand and die in disappointment like this. It's not a nice way to find out.

If you're happy to forget the whole idea, tell him so, but you both need to make wills to protect each other and the children if one or both of you dies before they are independent, and to make sure your wishes are known. Married people need to do this too, of course.

He needs to step up and pick a firm date and do some planning himself if he actually wants it to happen. If not, he needs to stop pretending he's your fiancé and that he's engaged to you. He isn't. He's you partner and the father of your children, but you could up and marry someone else anytime if you felt like it, and so could he!

With all this complication I think I'd just book a registry office for the first available weekend you know you have the kids.

Will explain only cause issue if she thinks it is a wedding? Why not say you want to set date for hol abroad and need x date in 2023 - go for the year after so you aren't battling the post covid rush and set your date according to what you want, I would do with the first week of summer hols 2023 as it will be before people jet off on hols. Dp needs to manage his ex, set a date, and ensure, however he needs to do it -that she won't mess it up.

Newly granny's advice is spot on

Why not just book a register office wedding for when you next have the kids, then have a party in the summer for friends and relatives?

I’d book a registry office and a few days away for the summer. You have children, the marriage is the important part not the wedding itself.

@NewlyGranny no he hasn't noticed or if he has he hasn't said anything about it, I agree if we aren't getting married he needs to stop pretending we are, it annoys me so much because he will call me wife or buy me wife cards as he says I basically am his wife now as we have been together so long. It's like he things the engagement ring means we have just went from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife and don't actually need to get married.
@maddening you would think that would work but no it won't, a few years ago we provisionally booked a holiday and then messaged her to say we had done it so would be wanting x week for the following year and she accused us of dictating when she can spend time with her kids and we had no right to look at booking anything until we had discussed it with her as she is the rp so gets to decide when and where the kids go first and told us if we ever do that again she will take us back to court. In some ways I think actually taking us back to court would probably go in our favour but we can't afford to go through all that again she has taken him to court 3 times, the last 2 for silly things that she was told was ridiculous and she was in the wrong as she would be again this time but we can't afford the costs involved or the loss of time with the kids. That's why we can't just pick 2 weeks in say july, we need to actually ask her what her plans are and then ask if it would be OK if we had them x date to x date then plan our wedding and holiday within those dates. It actually is ridiculous.
I know he isn't a great planner and in general day to day life I just pick an activity and a day then tell him be ready at x time as we are going wherever and it's fine but with the wedding I need him to find out which 2 weeks we will have the kids so I can pick the date and make the arrangements, if I give him a list of things to plan or arrange he will do it, he just isn't very proactive about anything and I know the wedding will be no different and that's fine it's just this reluctance to ask his ex for dates that is bothering me.

We were engaged for 10 years before we got married. We talked about it a lot but never got round to actually booking anything. Other things just got in the way that I’d have rather spend the money on.

Pin him down if it bothers you and go from there.

@BluebellsGreenbells that basically is the plan but we can't do that until we know when we can have them as she usually takes 3 weeks at the summer due to how normal contact runs and how she books her holidays with the kids so we only really have about 18 days of the summer we can choose.
The ridiculous thing is she got married the year after we got engaged and it actually fell on our contact time but we of course just let it go as we wouldn't have wanted the kids to miss out.

The place we have chosen has an option for an outdoor ceremony which is what we are planning to do so sort of need it to be in the summer months so we hopefully have the good weather to allow is to use the outdoor option which restricts us a bit but I suppose we could just pick a random weekend and have the holiday in the summer, it's not really about the party, we are only having a small ceremony and afternoon tea type thing with close family then we were planning to go on a weeks holiday with the kids the next day but again we can't even book the holiday until we have her dates.

" we are so in love and so connected"

   Your post gives the opposite impression.   You (both) seem more  connected  to his ex than to each other.