So, quick intro to a long post, I'm long-term mumsnetter but I never post, only read. Now I have a school bully dilemma and I need your help!
My DD (nearly 12 yo) has been in the same class for 6 years. We're not in the UK, and she is in grade 6 of a small school in a small town. I'm from the UK so that makes us foreigners (DH is a local but also a chocolate teapot, and we are in the process of splitting up). Throughout her time at school DD has been in the sights of the class bully. Schools have basically been online here since March 2020 - but they're reopening on Monday and my daughter is dreading it because in this time the bully has closed DD off completely from their online friendship group.
It's a small school with only one class per grade, and there is only a small number of girls in the class. The bullying is of the Mean Girls variety - undermining comments, turning other children against her, using a combo of popularity and fear to control the group - and it is entirely led by one child. (For a brief but delicious period the bully was not in the class and that half-year was wonderful for all concerned!). My DD is not the only target but she's the main one, as her most-loved friend is the chosen best friend of the bully. At the bully's will, DD is allowed to join them, but (presumably when she gets too cosy), the tide turns and she is ostracised.
I encourage my daughter to spend her time with the couple of girls in class who are not part of the bullying group, which she is willing to do, but they don't really share interests so it's not an ideal long-term solution. I've also asked if there are any other girls in the group she can approach (eg Most-Loved Friend) but she is scared that the bully will be told, and crack down on her even more.
It's looking like the kids are going to be together at this school for another two years. The school has helped before - like when I actually learned about the bullying because in a parents meeting about why my daughter cried every night after school, the guidance counsellor mentioned how (very sociable) DD really enjoyed spending all break-times alone (!). Then they arranged organised play at break times so no child would be left out. But now the kids are older and that's not going to fly.
I really want to help DD and fix this situation (who wouldn't?). I am on, not close, but able-to-approach terms with the mother of the bully and I've been wondering whether to raise it with her. But, AIBU to think that by speaking to her, it'll just make everything worse? WWYD? All suggestions welcome!