I know this should probably be posted in relationships, but I’m mostly posting here for traffic.
I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. We have a child together. We also have a house that we jointly own.
He told me before the lockdown that he didn’t want to get married to me ‘unless I changed’, but never really told me what I was meant to be changing.
Most evenings he’d come downstairs and play on his phone and if I tried to talk to him, he’d often get angry because I’d interrupted his game and he’d lost whatever he was doing.
I was continually walking on eggshells with him and he was always snapping at me.
I was so incredibly lonely and especially during the lockdown...I started talking to someone, a man from a group, in which we share a common interest.
We got on really well and stopped just talking about the shared interest and began talking about all sorts of things. We spoke everyday and became very close. He began giving me the space I needed to talk about things, unlike my partner, who just wouldn’t.
We decided to meet up once restrictions were eased. I told my partner that I was meeting a friend from this group and although he questioned me, he said it was fine and I went. We had a really lovely time and had afternoon tea together. He was a real gentleman and as I drove home, I realised I had feelings for him. At this point I should have just told my DP, but I was too cowardly and convinced myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
You can probably guess what happened next, we met up again and this time he kissed me and we had a cuddle, nothing more. Then the second lockdown happened and we couldn’t meet up, so he sent me handwritten letters, we messaged daily and spoke daily on FaceTime too. We also did quote a lot of sexting before bed and sent a couple of naughty pics to each other.
We met up again after that lockdown and ended up kissing and cuddling again. I was craving that human contact, as my DP would only cuddle/kiss me when we were having sex. If I tried to cuddle him any other time, especially on his phone, he’d 9 times out of 10 push me away or tell me to get off.
The final and most recent lockdown, I felt almost suicidal and if it wasn’t for my son and my new friend, I might have done something silly. We talked everyday again and it was the only thing that got me through.
Since that last lockdown we have met again and we did do something sexual, not full sex, but other stuff, I feel terrible, but equally I felt completely unloved by my DP. Me and him haven’t had sex or even had a kiss for over 6 months now. We’re basically living together as friends.
Now I’m sure I’ll get judged on here, but I’m in such a mess now. I don’t know what to do, both of us own our house equally, it’s 50/50, but we both can’t afford to move anywhere else on our own right now. I’m out of work due to covid, currently looking but not having much luck. My DP is in a low paid job and we’re barely managing as it is.
I’m scared for my son and feel awful about the whole thing.
My DP’s family live here but mine are 150 miles away. I’m scared I’ll end up with nothing and no one as I’m burning all my bridges and lying to everyone in the process.
Some days I really hate myself and wish I had the courage to end it all, I don’t feel like a good person and I’m not good enough for my poor DS.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.