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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him the truth?

37 replies

OhYouDontSay · 03/06/2021 12:20

I was friends with a guy when I was younger, in my teens/early twenties, we were very closed and lived together for a while (only ever platonic friendship).

We grew apart as we got older and got partners etc... And there were things about him I wasn't that keen on as we got older so we drifted apart.

At the time, he had a little girl with his then partner. He left her and had a baby with someone else and basically never saw this little girl again. At the time there was some big speech on his social media about how she was better off without him anyway because he'd hurt her Mum and so he was going to move on with his life and let them (little girl and her Mum) get on with theirs as if he didn't exist because she doesn't need him.

At the time the girls Mum made it very clear that this wasn't her doing (I spoke to her occasionally and checked in on her when all this was going on) he just wanted to go off and have his new family and quite honestly from knowing him it didn't surprise me at all and I genuinely believe it to be true (as I say, there were things I started not to like about him).

Anyway, to the point... I deleted him on social media and never spoke to him again. I know a couple of other friends confronted him and he says the same thing 'she doesn't need him, better off without him etc...'. I couldn't stomach seeing all the happy family posts about his new partner and child and how he'd completely just cut off his little girl (deleted her pictures from his profile etc...) so I just deleted him and cut him out, we never actually spoke about it though.

He recently sent me a friend request again and has messaged me asking me why I deleted him and why we don't speak anymore, how am I etc etc...

AIBU to tell him the truth, that I find what he did absolutely disgusting and I don't intend to condone it in any way by being friends with him or do I just ignore?

OP posts:

DdraigGoch · 03/06/2021 12:24

I would phrase it along the lines of "I couldn't associate with someone I no longer respected" you could then expand with "I can't respect someone who abandons a child.

DdraigGoch · 03/06/2021 12:25

"...abandons a child and goes on to create a 'happy families' fiction later"

Posted too soon.

Jumpingintosummer · 03/06/2021 12:26

I think that’s a good response

Sparklfairy · 03/06/2021 12:28

Can't believe he even needs to ask tbh!

VettiyaIruken · 03/06/2021 12:28

You absolutely should.

TheChiefJo · 03/06/2021 12:30

You wouldn't be unreasonable either way. I think, as long as you keep it polite, you have every right to tell the truth (he has asked) or to decline to elaborate. Your call OP. I wouldn't be mates with him either, though I think I'd chicken out of telling him why.

DinoHat · 03/06/2021 12:31

He probably knows and is hoping you won’t confirm his fears.

MaskingForIt · 03/06/2021 12:31

Sounds perfectly reasonable. People get away with shirking responsibility because other people let them.

BlueDucky · 03/06/2021 12:33

I'd say something like you found it difficult seeing him with his new family knowing he had cut all contact with his daughter. Keep it factual. He did ask.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2021 12:33

To be honest I’d say nothing, as I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro of it.

However if you felt compelled I’d not leave blood on the table and just say quietly that you felt and still feel uncomfortable with him not being in his own child’s life and that you’d rather leave it there.

Personally I think though informing him of your judgement is not going to make anything better. I’d also say what the hells his partner thinking. I can’t imagine being with a man who’d abandon his own child.

Original poster

OhYouDontSay · 03/06/2021 12:33

@MaskingForIt

Sounds perfectly reasonable. People get away with shirking responsibility because other people let them.

This is what I was thinking.

At the time I wasn't very confident with confrontation and as we weren't speaking much by that point anyway I just took the easy way out and stopped talking completely and deleted him. I never told him why.

But now I'm a little older with children of my own it makes me so mad and I'd quite happily tell him why. I just wasn't sure if people would think 'not your business'! But as you say, he's asked!

OP posts:

NeedNewKnees · 03/06/2021 12:35

Just tell him. What an irresponsible shitweasel to walk away from his child.

RealisticSketch · 03/06/2021 12:36

Absolutely tell him. Clear, calm and to the point is perfect, something like ddraiggoch says is just the job.

pilates · 03/06/2021 12:36

Yes I would be honest and tell him.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/06/2021 12:39

I'd tell him OP.

tara66 · 03/06/2021 12:41

He must know how everyone views the situation - very odd frankly. You shouldn't need to ''explain'' about what he is doing to his own child.

Original poster

OhYouDontSay · 03/06/2021 12:43

@tara66

He must know how everyone views the situation - very odd frankly. You shouldn't need to ''explain'' about what he is doing to his own child.

I agree but he's the type who believes his own lies. He is the biggest bullshitter I've ever met and he thinks everyone believes him.

Some of the stuff he used to come out with.

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 03/06/2021 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathStare · 03/06/2021 13:31

He asked, so definitely tell him.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2021 13:34

I would absolutely tell him why. What a prick.

Eviethyme · 03/06/2021 13:58

I would. At the end of the day why would someone be better off without there dad unless he was an abuser or pedo really.

RealisticSketch · 03/06/2021 15:41

I'm quite liking 'you're an irresponsible shitweasel and I dont keep those for friends.'

He deserves to have someone hold a mirror up to his actions, since he asked... after all he has probably not had anyone fail to swallow his bs (to his face), and for his dd he abandoned, I would do it. She doesn't have a voice of her own in this situation. I wonder if he actually knows but you are making his conscience prickle, so he wants you to say, 'oh nothing really life just got busy' and smooth away the issue.

SmokeyDevil · 03/06/2021 15:52

Yep tell him. He asked a stupid question, he gets the truth for it. Useless shitty person.

HollowTalk · 03/06/2021 15:57

He's probably looking for someone else to shag right now and thought you'd do, till he realised you'd blocked him.

AmberIsACertainty · 03/06/2021 15:57

I find it weird he's asking now, years later. If it bothered him why not ask at the time?

If he prefers to believe his own bullshit I can't see how giving him some home truths is going to change that. I suspect he'd just see your opinion as unreasonable. So telling him would achieve nothing, except letting him know he's got no chance with you. And you can achieve that by ignoring him.

I know you said it was platonic before but I think men who come sniffing round years after you've lost touch it's usually because they're a) bored in their relationship or b) broken up with their partner.

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