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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To quit my job?

12 replies

Popsalot · 02/06/2021 19:37

I am a longtime lurker, rare poster but need some advice. Long story short, I have 2 kids, 7 and 4. Older child is autistic and needs daily occuparional therapy and slt interventions, younger child also needs daily slt interventions. I have just built myself up in my career to a place that I am well know, respected, widely recommended. I am good at what I do, have high-profile, interesting work and it gives me a buzz BUT it is also highly responsible and very stressful. Hours can be very long, although as much as possible I fit this around kids dinner and bedtimes. I find it impossible to compartmentalise, however, and am overwhelmed by the stress of my job and my children's needs, both therapeutic and practical. My older child is highly anxious, doing badly at school and needs way more of my attention than I can currently give him. I have been toying with the idea of quitting my job. DH is supportive and financially it would be fine. But somehow I just cannot let go. I have this fear that one day we will need my wage (DH is currently well but has a medical condition that could play havoc with his ability to work in a few years). I am terrified that if I quit, I will lose my reputation and my edge and won't be able to find work.again when I need to. But my kids need me now and are suffering without me and I desperately want to be there for them and not be so stressed and so distracted. So, should I just quit and let things sort themselves out? Or keep the job? There are no half measures, reducing hours won't actually work because it's the mental stress of the job rather than the hours that's the issue.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 02/06/2021 19:39

If your DH might need to retire in the future would it make more sense for him to stop working or downsize his job now?

Popsalot · 02/06/2021 19:42

He currently earns three times what I do, so we need his wage to make things work at the moment.

OP posts:
disneydreaming · 02/06/2021 19:43

Would it be possible to reduce your hours? Or even to job share?

It sounds to me like you don't really want to give up your job, but just need to find a better balance?

Popsalot · 02/06/2021 19:45

No, the hours aren't the main issue. It's a high pressure role, even when I'm not working I never really switch off. It's destroying my mental health and I'm always exhausted. Job shares won't work either, due to the nature of the work. It's a straightforward choice. Quit or not.

OP posts:
vonny63 · 02/06/2021 19:51

Can you afford to get some assistance within the home instead?

Popsalot · 02/06/2021 19:52

I have a nanny who does 4 hours a day and a cleaner.

OP posts:
hatcoatscarfalcohol · 02/06/2021 19:53

You say you find it impossible to compartmentalise. What strategies do you have to compartmentalise and manage the stress? What have you tried?

I think all your fears about quitting are serious and real points that should be considered. They're not irrational fears, they are a very compelling argument against such a course of action.

If reducing hours is not something you believe would help, what about stepping down a grade and giving back some of the responsibilities you're finding unmanageable?

As far as "quitting and letting things sort themselves out" - In my experience, throwing your hands up and hoping things work themselves out in your favour rarely succeeds.

Popsalot · 02/06/2021 19:57

I have tried yoga and mindfulness. In all honesty, I find it boring and a waste of time, as well as being totally ineffective. You are right that what us holding me back is the prospect of future financial insecurity. And it's also ego, I have worked damn hard and endured many setbacks to get where I am now, and it would feel like such a waste to give it up. But my kids are really suffering, especially my autistic one. Seems selfish to keep working.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 02/06/2021 20:04

I've worked and not worked.
Giving up work gives you more time but it creates other issues.
A life set up to meet the needs of others and not yourself is hard.
It can lead to it's own mental health challenges.

Have you had a decent stretch of time away from work before? How was that for you?

You need to think about where you would get your socialization from, also your feelings of personal satisfaction.

There is also the issue of keeping an income stream for the future.

In what way do you think your dc are suffering? What more nanny hours help?

UpHillandDownAle · 02/06/2021 20:05

I took the decision to be home with the kids as I was burning out. Ive always been anxious following a difficult childhood and I got physical stress illnesses and needed to make decisions on how long I wanted to still be here as without reducing stress even with medication they had the potential to shorten my life. We adapted our lifestyle and house to live off one salary and I’ve taken on a voluntary non exec role so that I keep up to date, have a current defence and get to do a little bit of what I liked work-wise without it interfering with what the kids need from me. Works for us.

UpHillandDownAle · 02/06/2021 20:06

*reference not defence!

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2021 20:10

Hi. Iv 3 kids who have additional needs. I took a step down in job role, went part time and have term time holidays (kids cant cope in summer schemes). I think I would have lost myself if I had become a sahm.

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