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Original poster

To feel I'm losing control...

33 replies

OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 10:56

Background.. Posted on here a few months ago about newly ignited passion for a guy I'd been online dating with, for a year. Finally met him and was overcome with randiness and shagged him (not brilliant sex). I decided after conversation on here to look for someone closer. I live outside the UK, but still in Europe.

So, I met someone, he was very keen. Local to me. I only had time for one date with him. Unfortunately 2 days later, I had to leave to come back to UK for a few months, so we're keeping in touch until I get back in September.

All good. But some things are really bothering me. He insists he's not married, I believe him, but there's something not right.

  1. His first questions on online dating included whether I lived alone and asking if I was married
  2. Because of the language difference, I suggested we bring our phones to the meeting so we could use online translators... He didn't bring his phone.. Said he'd left it in his car (parked 50metres away)
  3. I can't find him on any social media. He works in the music business, so I would have thought he would be in some social media
  4. He says he doesn't have WhatsApp as he has a new phone and hasn't installed it yet (eh?), so I have no phone number for him. I can't make a big issue about this, because of the language, so we only communicate via the dating website
  5. When I met him, he seemed very confident... I've met a few men on online dating... There's always an edge of nervousness about them
6.Our conversations online have degenerated to being over sexual. Unfortunately I instigated this.
  1. He says he lives alone, then says I wouldn't be able to go to his place as his daughters are there. His first emails said his daughters were both married.
  2. I've asked repeatedly for a current photo of him, he says his camera doesn't work.. Though he managed to take one of his dick (sorry). I suggested the dick pic must have already been on his phone then... He denied this

So, I don't know if I'm uneasy because there's something wrong or uneasy because I've started sexual talk with him when we haven't even kissed. I'm getting out of control here. Checking for messages all day.. He's definitely cooled off over the last week, which might be because I keep asking for a face photo or could be because I've sussed out something is wrong.

I don't know what to do....

OP posts:
Gliblet · 01/06/2021 10:59

You do know what to do, you just don't like the answer.

percheron67 · 01/06/2021 11:00

If you cannot find him on line etc and he is making odd excuses about contact, best to ask what has he to hide. Why on earth would he think you would like an obscene photo/ sorry, caps not working. One to avoid.

Grellbunt · 01/06/2021 11:01

He is v bad news all the way

GroggyLegs · 01/06/2021 11:05

Your title doesn't really fit what you've written. What's the control element here?

Is the dilemma 'Should I waste my time with a cagey guy who just wants sex?'

I'd say no - this is in your power.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 11:06

Yeah you know what to do, you just don’t want to do it.

chickenyhead · 01/06/2021 11:08

@OkSpiritualknot

Background.. Posted on here a few months ago about newly ignited passion for a guy I'd been online dating with, for a year. Finally met him and was overcome with randiness and shagged him (not brilliant sex). I decided after conversation on here to look for someone closer. I live outside the UK, but still in Europe.

So, I met someone, he was very keen. Local to me. I only had time for one date with him. Unfortunately 2 days later, I had to leave to come back to UK for a few months, so we're keeping in touch until I get back in September.

All good. But some things are really bothering me. He insists he's not married, I believe him, but there's something not right.

  1. His first questions on online dating included whether I lived alone and asking if I was married
  2. Because of the language difference, I suggested we bring our phones to the meeting so we could use online translators... He didn't bring his phone.. Said he'd left it in his car (parked 50metres away)
  3. I can't find him on any social media. He works in the music business, so I would have thought he would be in some social media
  4. He says he doesn't have WhatsApp as he has a new phone and hasn't installed it yet (eh?), so I have no phone number for him. I can't make a big issue about this, because of the language, so we only communicate via the dating website
  5. When I met him, he seemed very confident... I've met a few men on online dating... There's always an edge of nervousness about them
6.Our conversations online have degenerated to being over sexual. Unfortunately I instigated this.
  1. He says he lives alone, then says I wouldn't be able to go to his place as his daughters are there. His first emails said his daughters were both married.
  2. I've asked repeatedly for a current photo of him, he says his camera doesn't work.. Though he managed to take one of his dick (sorry). I suggested the dick pic must have already been on his phone then... He denied this

So, I don't know if I'm uneasy because there's something wrong or uneasy because I've started sexual talk with him when we haven't even kissed. I'm getting out of control here. Checking for messages all day.. He's definitely cooled off over the last week, which might be because I keep asking for a face photo or could be because I've sussed out something is wrong.

I don't know what to do....

  1. He is married and is ok with married people being on OLD.
  1. He is married and didn't want to risk his wife calling whilst he was with you.
  1. He is married and has given you a false name.
  1. He is married and has dual simplicity cards in one phone and you can only have one number on WhatsApp app.
  1. He is married and has been doing and getting away with this for years and years.
  1. He is married and is just looking for easy sex on the side.
  1. He is married and doesn't want you to meet his wife.
  1. He is married and doesn't want to have to explain face pics should you try to contact his wife and drop him in it at a later date.

In short. He is married. Very married.

PrimeraVez · 01/06/2021 11:09

If you can't speak enough of the same language to have a proper conversation about why he doesn't have Whatsapp or whatever the case may be, do you really have much of a future together?

The whole thing sounds weird and stressful. Dating should not be like this. Move on!

Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 11:10

Groovylegs.. I mean I'm losing my control over rational thought and ability to stop checking for messages all the time...

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 01/06/2021 11:21

Ok - sorry, Ididn't read the last bit properly.

What's so attractive about him - he sounds awful to me, but I'm not you!
Do you think you might just be a bit bored?
Do you fancy the excitement of being the other woman?

tolerable · 01/06/2021 11:24

rational thought??..you arent losing control over it-your absolutely refusing to lookit it.
ALWAYS always trust your gut doll. and never put yourself through feeling the need to turn miss marples on a chancer.ots unlikely to lrad to fulfilment.
block him.theres litterally thousands of assholes,let him go

Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 11:26

Mmmm. Maybe he is married. I've asked him outright and he denies it absolutely. He got annoyed last time and called me aggressive.. (he hadn't contacted me for 2 days at the weekend)

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 01/06/2021 11:27

He IS married and he is a liar.

Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 11:31

Groggy Legs... Sorry, got your name wrong before. When I met him I felt exactly the same way as I felt when I met my now ex husband. Like "yep, he's the one" Which I think gave me false hope.. So I think I pretended that this was love at first sight again..

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 01/06/2021 11:35

@OkSpiritualknot

Mmmm. Maybe he is married. I've asked him outright and he denies it absolutely. He got annoyed last time and called me aggressive.. (he hadn't contacted me for 2 days at the weekend)
He is married. Give your head a wobble.
WhatMattersMost · 01/06/2021 11:36

@OkSpiritualknot

Groggy Legs... Sorry, got your name wrong before. When I met him I felt exactly the same way as I felt when I met my now ex husband. Like "yep, he's the one" Which I think gave me false hope.. So I think I pretended that this was love at first sight again..
He probably is "the one" - the one, quite possibly like your ex, who is absolutely no good for you. And yet you keep choosing them. That's something worth exploring if you have the courage to do so.
Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 11:38

What matters.... Lol, wobbling my head as I type....

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 01/06/2021 11:38

Those are YOUR feelings, not his. He will say anything for sex, then move on. If you had sex with him get yourself checked out.

Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 11:39

Chicken.. No worries, we didn't even kiss yet...

OP posts:
Anna727b · 01/06/2021 12:05

@OkSpiritualknot

Mmmm. Maybe he is married. I've asked him outright and he denies it absolutely. He got annoyed last time and called me aggressive.. (he hadn't contacted me for 2 days at the weekend)
If he got annoyed and got aggressive then he is obviously hiding something. Avoid!
CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2021 12:31

So much drama op. What for?

DeathStare · 01/06/2021 12:37

Hes probably married. If not, hes definitely lying to you in other ways as you've caught him out.

Is this really worth it? For someone you barely know and can only talk to through Google translate.

If you are having trouble cutting contact then I really think you need to invest in some counselling to figure out why

User629202 · 01/06/2021 12:41

He sounds shady af, and if you can’t even talk to him without a translator it’s not likely to be going anywhere. I would cut your losses on this one.

Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 01/06/2021 13:06

I'm not worried about the language. I'm keen to learn it and am starting a language course in September. I have retired to this country, so will be living there permanently. Sadly the British men living abroad seem to have a lot of issues. I'm going to cut contact with him. I won't attempt any contact for 3 days. If he doesn't contact me, I think I can safely assume he's married and isn't contacting me as I am suspicious about him. I would never date a married man.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 01/06/2021 13:21

Is 3 days a magic married man detector secret weapon?

Notagain20 · 01/06/2021 13:27

Your out of control feeling and desperation to get a message, plus the "he's the one" instinct, all scream to me that he is triggering something from your childhood, some loss or unavailability that you will keep trying to put right through hopeless and damaging infatuations until you deal with it.