How To Help DS

[CorItsHot]

My DS is 24, has a history of depression and anxiety. He takes antidepressants and they seem to be doing their job. He's not 100% back to his old self but he's getting there.
Until this last few weeks. I noticed distinct change in his mood, withdrawn, sad etc.
I asked what was wrong but he said nothing so I left it.
Last night the floodgates opened, he confessed that a girl he was seeing last year had got pregnant and had an abortion. This week was when the baby would be due and it's Knocked him for six.
He can't stop thinking that he would have been a dad and is really sad about it.
He does tend to over think things.
I'm scared this will set him back into deep depression.
How best to help him?

Anyone?

He can't stop thinking that he would have been a dad and is really sad about it

Perhaps a reality check is in order? He would only have been a father if the GF had decided to proceed with the pregnancy. As she did not want to, he was never going to be a father. There is no 'would have been...' about it.

The only way he would have been a father is if his GF was forced or coerced into proceeding. A woman forced to give birth to a child she did not want. That situation would only have benefitted him and been hideously unfair on mother and child. Of course he is allowed to feel sad about the termination but the alternative situation would have been terrible.

He didn't coerce her atall. He knew it was totally her choice and took her to and waited for her at the appointment.
He was fine at the time. I think that he's just finding it hard as if the pregnancy had carried on, this week would have been the due date.
It didn't help that the ex sent him a scan photo which he has saved on his phone all this time.

Sorry, just realised this is in AIBU, I thought I'd put this in mental health 😏

Bit harsh!

While it was his girlfriend's right to choose and DS should have no say in what she does with her body, it was also his baby and he has the right to feel sad about it.

Thanks @cheesybean
As I say, he's an over thinker, I can't see how it wouldn't affect his mental health. I just hope he can soon bounce back.

He has every right to feel sad and I think I would be making sure that he knows that and that it’s normal to feel this way .

I also think it’s worth saying that he will be a Dad , just not now , parenthood is a huge step and if it’s not the right time or the right relationship then it would be even harder. He’s only 24 the right relationship and time are out there.

Thanks @GlencoraP I have done all that you have suggested, I guess it will just take time. I just feel sad that he's spiralled into a dark place again.

I have been where you are , not the termination but the fear of them slipping away again. The good thing is he is talking, grief and regret are normal it doesn’t mean he will regress .

He's been on his bed since 2pm, finished work early. I'm trying to gently get him to walk the dog but it's not happening yet.
Why is everything so hard?😥

Hi @CorItsHot I just wondered how things were going, hopefully things are looking up a little bit just wanted you to know we are here .

He has every right to feel sad and to mourn the loss of the child that might have been. A woman's right to choose doesn't negate a man's right to respond or feel emotions.

Maybe it would help to discuss the benefits of how he feels: that his sadness is an indication he would like to be a dad one day. That's a good thing to know. Lots of men are ambivalent.

It can also help to create some sort of ceremony - plant a shrub or light a candle to mark the date. It is a form of loss and deserves recognition. As long as that doesn't come with blame or regret neither of which would be helpful.

Thankyou.
Yesterday he seemed a bit brighter. A mate took him out for food and hopefully they had a good chat.