To ask if you told children you were having marital problems

[miserablebetty]

I've name changed for this but I am bloody miserable and have told my H tonight that I think I want a divorce. His refusal to come home from the pub after we said we'd go out for a drink being the straw that broke the fragile camel's back. I'm struggling to come back from this and other stuff and think I'd be happier on my own with the children. I'd have nobody to rely on and would just get on with it and I just don't think I love him any more. My son heard us arguing tonight and insightfully told me he thinks we argue too much and if we are going to split up. So clearly I've not been subtle and he knows there's an issue. It breaks my heart before you tell me how bad it is. I'm crying as I write this but know that asking him to leave will break their hearts too. I'd like them to know we are working on stuff - I'll try counselling if he will but it might be that it ends up with separation. Even typing this makes me want to throw up but it's easier when he's not here and he's been away a few times lately working and kids have been happier. He isn't a bad father. His parents have been awful in his childhood at times and he's cried tonight about it but I don't know if there's the strength in me to go through helping him with that while my babies need our help more. I sound horrible. I'm not. I've just had enough. I think. Should we get family counselling? Tell them. Not tell them? I'm so overwhelmed

No. Don’t tell them don’t share. You don’t know your own decisions yet, it’s scaring you in terms of fear of the unknown why on earth would you inflict that on your children? What on earth can they do about it other than become anxious and afraid
This is between you and your husband to come up with resolutions. If and when you decide to seperate you need a clear plan about the living /caring arrangements for the kids. Then, and only then tell them what is going to happen
In meantime make sure your kids do not have any more reason to ask you this. I know it’s hard not to argue where they can hear, but you need to be calm for them
If you want to tell someone cos you’re miserable for goodness sake speak to an adult . You need someone to talk to clearly. But not your kids. They cannot be your emotional confident

I did not burden my kids with this and they we’re in their late twenties.it is not fair or king to drag them into parenteral unhappiness

Kind not king

Tell them nothing until what you have to tell them is final, complete and reassuring.

If your son is old enough to handle the truth, answer him honesty, kindly and briefly.

No, absolutely not, don't do it. Only tell when you've made a definite decision , and have a plan for the future. Children shouldn't be used as sounding boards or dragged into your unhappy situation. They need certainty, they don't need a running commentary on your marital worries and woes.

My sister did this to her children when her marriage was on the rocks - they both ended up with anxiety and depression, and needed a lot of therapy . They still have issues, years later.

The last thing kids need is to be involved in the story of their parent's unhappiness. Sort out your own situation, and only share with them when there is a definite plan in hand.

Crikey no. And think about kids having counselling so they have safe space to discuss anxieties.