'Before 10'

[DrNameChange]

I have name changed as I'm miserable as fuck this morning and don't want this linked to my usual username.

What does it mean to you when someone says 'I am leaving before 10'. To me it means somewhere between 9.40-9.55, any earlier then you'd say 9.30 surely?

Apparently DP thinks differently and I haven't managed to ascertain what he actually meant by 'before 10' as I left his house at 9.20, after feeling pressured so that he could leave after me. And he was leaving immediately after me, he was ready to go.

AIBU in thinking that 'before 10' means around 9.40-9.55 or should I have realised that he meant some other random time?

I realise this might seem petty but it's a big deal to me as my XH used to say things like this to keep me feeling uncertain and so he could shout at me when I wasn't ready by the time in his head. DP is definitely not like XH in any way so I wonder whether some people have a wide time range in mind when they say 'before 10' .

Surley before 10 just means you'll be out the door before 10. If he got ready quicker than he had anticipated then that's just an unexpected bonus and meant he could leave earlier.

I'm not sure why you couldn't both leave the house together though, why did you need to leave before him?

I don't live with him and he's going away so would need to do a proper lock up with alarms etc. It was just easier that I left before or at the same time.

Before 10 to me means that would be the latest leaving time but you will leave sooner if ready.

If you had a window in mind you would say “between 9.45 and 10”

To me 'leaving before 10' means that it will be 10 at the absolute latest.

I would not expect to be cutting it fine at 9:55, and would factor in that he'd want some time in the property after I'd gone to do a proper lock up/check if he's going away.

Before 10 just means any time at all but by 10. So it could it be 8am or it could be 9.59.

I think you need to talk to him and explain why vagueness does not work for you, and the trigger it brings. I hope he will be understanding.

@DrNameChange

I don't live with him and he's going away so would need to do a proper lock up with alarms etc. It was just easier that I left before or at the same time.

If he's going away I can see why he was keen to leave as soon as he was ready as it will mean he can get a headstart on getting to his destination. I certainly wouldn't expect to still be getting myself ready after 9.30.

He probably meant 'No later than 10 but preferably by 9:30 if possible'.

I have had these conversations with DH regarding what time we leave when we go on holiday. You 'just' need to clarify communication between yourselves.

It's a bit wishy washy.
I'd assume they were leaving between 9.30 and 9.45 though.

If someone said 'I'm aiming to get on the road before 10' I'd take that to mean, they were going to get up and get ready so they were in the car on the road before 10 o'clock as otherwise they wouldn't get there on time. I would assume it didn't mean before 9, and would probably assume packing the car up by 9.30, but would depend on length of journey - as in, if they were going to work on their usual commute, I'd assume like you 9.45-9.55, if it was a longer trip and involved a case I'd assume 'whenever I'm ready between 9 and 9.55'.

In your case, if you saw him getting ready, and could guess how long it would take, I'd start getting ready too. So a bit confused by what the issue was - as in, if he needed to shower, have breakfast, and put clothes in a bag, and you saw he'd packed and had breakfast and was hopping in the shower I'd be making sure I was ready too.

Between 9.30am and 9.50am

Thanks everyone, I agree the communication needs to be clarified. He needed to pack and sort out his son and pets before leaving so there was no definite clue that he was leaving at that exact moment. I haven't been well recently and the medication I am on makes me slightly drowsy in the morning. If I had been my normal self I would probably have been up and ready ages before .

PP is right, the vagueness doesn't work for me. Particularly at the moment, I needed more rest and should have gone home last night.

I would usually be more specific with my plans. But if I did say “before 10” then it would mean I don’t have any particular time in mind but the absolute latest it would be 10am and it could be any time up until then, including 7:30am.

If I meant 9:45 or 9:55 then I would say that.

It actually doesn't matter what any of us think. If you can't deal with vagueness then this is a conversation that you have to have with him.

You need to have a chat with him when he is back to explain why you have said here and why for you more precise timings would help

If someone said ‘just before 10’ I would take that to mean 9:45-9:55 but I think ‘before 10’ is very vague and basically means anytime in the morning, with 10 as the absolute latest. If someone said that to me I’d assume they didn’t have a concrete time/ plan in mind and were going to play it by ear in the morning but if I knew they wanted me gone for a while before leaving I’d probably be making sure I was ready to go by 9 at the latest.

I'd have been ready to leave for 9.30. Then with anybody else's faffing, we'd be out anywhere between 9.30 and 10.

You just need clearer communication. If the leaving time matters, then be more explicit about what you mean. "Before 10" to me would mean I would definitely be gone by 10 (or maybe just afterwards if running a bit late), but it might be any point earlier if I was ready.

I'd say 9am