Let me preface by saying I’m aware my ex husbands relationship with his girlfriend is none of my business
I left my husband in may 2018, august 2018 I moved 20 miles away as I couldn’t be a single parent and commute to my job. My ex sees DS every two weeks at the weekend.
During our relationship he did things like, strongly hint to an old friend via Facebook messenger that she should send him a picture of her boobs for old times sake. He said I would be okay with it. My son was 4 months old and we were both 22 when this happened.
Then a few years later I discovered he had an ex girlfriend porn stash as well as having photos of one of my best friends which he had somehow stolen from her. He had sexy photos of a friend who had sent them to him to check they were sexy enough to send on to her boyfriend. He was really good at playing the lad friend who’s a decent person type.
There were a couple of other “dodgy” things he did, like he followed a co worker round their shop and took photos of her backside.
Yet I stayed with him because I had no confidence and I thought he was the best I was worth.
I lost weight in 2018, and found the confidence to leave. I went back to discuss me moving to be closer to my work, I had taken two super strong cocodamol, we went upstairs to talk out of earshot of DS. Essentially he asked for a hug, I felt bad so I gave him one. He asked for a kiss and I specifically said “No, I have boundaries in place”.
Cocodamol sometimes makes me sleepy, so I fell asleep and woke up to my leggings round my knees. He was disgusted with himself when I went back to say that what he had done was wrong and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t go to the police, because I thought he would kill himself and because I didn’t want to go through court. I was weak.
Me and DS moved towns and we’ve been doing okay, DS visits his dad every two weeks and they have a good time. It looks like the ex turned over a new leaf.
He got a new girlfriend October 2020 who he has introduced to my son and she’s very lovely and kind to DS
Maybe this is weird but I invited him and her over for dinner recently so I could get to know her better as she’s spending time with DS. The ex told me that his girlfriend wasn’t comfortable with the idea but would maybe go for a walk.
I asked about the walk a couple of weeks later and he told me she had said no.
Turns out she really hates me.
She hates me because he’s told lies or mistruths. She has said she doesn’t want to get to know me because of what she’s heard about me.
He told her for the last two years of our relationship I crushed his confidence..but missed out the part where he made me feel so insecure with his going’s on that I was really bitter and it took me a while to sum up the courage to leave him.
He’s told her I was financially controlling and he didn’t have access to his money. We had a joint account, it all went in to there and bills were paid. He had a measly amount of £30 to spend on himself because he went to uni as a mature student and didn’t want to work part time for the first year so didn’t bring in enough money. He says I was financially controlling because he couldn’t have money to spend but there wasn’t any to spend (I earned 19k). When he graduates uni instead of going into teaching as the plan, he took the first low paid job he was offered and refused to attend the interview for the job that paid 5k more because he wasn’t confident. I managed to make some extra money on the side with matched betting and with that I bought him a cheap car because he wanted one and later on I bought him a better car by taking out a loan. I got a really nice lease car through work when I got a salary bump to 27k and of course he was allowed to drive it.
He tells her I was financially controlling yet misses out where I said if he’d like to be completely responsible for budgeting then he could take control of that and I’d agree to whatever he proposed etc.
So there is truth to what he’s told her but he’s told her a highly skewed version, yes I wasn’t that nice to him at the end of our relationship but my soul was destroyed by his goings on.
So why does it matter? It matters that I’m now seen as a really bad person, she won’t even agree for me to come up to the flat to collect my son because it’s “her space” and me being there makes her feel anxious. She won’t entertain coming out as an extended family for my sons 10th birthday.
She got really mad at the fact that I introduced my partner to my son a month earlier (in terms of timescale)than she got to meet him and said that I held myself to one standard and my ex to another. She’s right, but she doesn’t know that it’s because I didn’t trust my ex for a long time and so yes I do view what I do through a different lense.
He keeps saying he just wants people to get along but this is all because he’s told her things to garner sympathy. Oh look at me I’m so depressed because my horrible ex wife crushed my confidence.
I don’t hold it against her, I hold it against him and I keep asking him to correct things and he is such a coward because he thinks if he tells her she will leave him.
To be clear I do think he has reformed in his “dodgy” ways.
Sorry I rambled, should I leave it alone and let her keep thinking I’m a total bitch? At the end of the day does it matter?
Does it matter than my son is involved in the sense that he spends time with them both?