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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be thinking of leaving dp... TRIGGER stillbirth

15 replies

Briefnamechange1 · 30/05/2021 23:40

Hi i really need some advice please?

Myself and dp had a stillborn baby last year. I'm not coping at all but selfishly the thing I'm struggling with the most is watching dp be a dad to dsc. I know it's awful to feel this way but I'm incredibly jealous, when they are here I hide myself away in the bedroom, I know that's not fair on them or dp but I just can't help it, I've tried to be around but I get so teary. It was dps birthday yesterday and I escaped to my parents house after dsc gave dp a birthday card which was read out about what an amazing dad he is and they are so lucky to have him, they are, he is an amazing dad and they are lovely kids but it breaks my heart knowing our child together died.

I can't see any other option right now but to leave my dp, the grief is too much and we can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Snowbeau · 30/05/2021 23:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Are you getting support from Sands at all?

willowtree81 · 30/05/2021 23:54

This is so awful, I'm so so sorry for your loss. I really hope you can get some support. (I am getting counselling currently via zoom and it's actually better than I expected- being by zoom I mean). Sending a lot of strength to you. Could you make a special book for your baby? ♥️

Briefnamechange1 · 30/05/2021 23:55

Yes I am getting support from SANDS, they've been amazing. I just can't get past these awful feelings about dp and dsc.

OP posts:
Briefnamechange1 · 31/05/2021 10:56

Sorry to bump this. I'm still hiding at my parents as can't face going back.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 31/05/2021 11:07

Oh I'm so sorry to read this!

Have you spoken with your partner? Is he supportive?

I have no advice but you can and will get through this but only if you are both honest with each other-your partner needs to recognise and acknowledge how you are feeling.

I'm not saying this to be insensitive but have you discussed trying for another? It will never lesson the baby you lost or mean you are replacing them but I know it helped my friend enormously when she sadly lost her baby to stillbirth. It's such a personal decision though I know and please don't think I'm saying that lightly as I'm really not.

Sending you so much love and strength. Do you want to talk about your baby?

HazelBite · 31/05/2021 11:25

Please think very hard about this, you love each other, and your current "feeling/mood/way of thinking/emotion" is not rational, and is down to how differently men and women deal with emotional trauma.
In my family DS1 and DDIL lost a baby at 27 weeks, subsequently they went on, then lost a wonderful son who we all loved and had got to know and love, they are now getting divorced and all their friends and family are devastated,
They were/are such a good couple its so very sad.
Please have some therapy or counselling until you can make sensible decisions, not based on the pain you feel and the almost natural resentment you feel towards your step DC's.
Your DP feels pain too but like most blokes is brushing it under the carpet and probably being over involved with his dcs as a result.

Please take your time and realise you are not thinking rationally Flowers

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/05/2021 11:27

Mammy that really is insensitive, and very personal. It's 'advice' regularly dished out to bereaved parents, and its not something the op has hinted at, so maybe you should have kept your thoughts, however well meaning, to yourself.

Op, 2 of my children have died, I have been a bereaved parent for over 2 decades, and the thing that I have learned is that we tend to want to lessen the grief of others, not say things in case it causes pain, and we put ourselves last.

You absolutely should be selfish, you have been through the worst pain a person can possibly go through.

In the head space you're in now I wouldn't advise you to end it with dp, but you really do need to have a conversation. He will also be having mixed feelings and down days and he won't want to tell you about it and cause you pain either.

There may be a compromise to be had, you can stay at your parents or he can take the children to stay at his parents for the short term, you could go to counselling together, maybe even have a break from each other for a few weeks.

Sadly its not uncommon for parents to split after their child dies, having that shared trauma is a very difficult thing to move on together from.

Please give yourself a break op. Your feelings are understandable and valid.

I'm so sorry that you have to miss your baby Flowers

WhatsGoingOnHereThen · 31/05/2021 11:35

I can completely see where you are coming from but I think it's part of the grief reaction.

It is common for relationships to break down following a tragedy for a myriad of reasons, but it's such a shame for that to happen if you are otherwise happy and love one another.

Have you spoken to him candidly? Is he understanding? As well as SANDS maybe some single or couple counselling could help you talk through these specific issues and see if there is a way forward for both of you to support one another. Pull together, not apart, if you can.

I'm so sorry for your loss and your beautiful baby. I can't imagine that kind of sorrow.

Briefnamechange1 · 31/05/2021 11:49

Thank you all.

Dp has been brilliant with me, he's trying his absolute best to make things easier for me. He's let me cry, shout, scream all night while holding me. He's offered to take dsc out for the day, not bring them to the home for now but I can't let him do that as I feel so unbelievably selfish and cruel if I said agreed to that but when they are here I can't bare to see them together. I love dsc dearly, it's crushing me that I'm feeling this resentful towards them.

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 31/05/2021 11:53

I’m so sorry for your loss but losing your lovely DH too will not help. I have experienced a stillbirth, it will get better.

Bellringer · 31/05/2021 12:06

Let yourself feel what you need to. I hope someone has told kids that you are sad, was your baby their sibling? How are they handling that? It's ok to cry, you don't have to be strong, it's a devastating loss. Its still quite soon, your feelings will settle eventually. The grief will become less sharp and more bearable, share it if you can. Just keep breathing.

Lillygolightly · 31/05/2021 12:13

I think you need to not be so hard on yourself, I lost my baby boy in February...there is no pain in the world like the pain of losing a child.

You are not being at all selfish struggling to see your DP and DSC together, it’s an absolute and complete reminder of what you should also have, I would struggle with this too.

Grief and especially grief after the loss of a child is a very difficult and rocky road to navigate. They say you shouldn’t make big decisions when in the midst of grief, and whilst I agree with that I will also admit to having considered leaving mine.

What you need is time, and I think time is the hardest thing to go through, every second, every minute, hour is painful right now...I know! Whilst you won’t ever get over this, you will learn to live with it....and sadly I can’t tell you when that will be as I’m still in the midst of it all myself, but this is what I hold on to....that at some point in the future I will be ok, and you will be too.

My advice would be to let your DP do whatever it is you need right now, and don’t feel guilty about it because it’s not forever...it’s just for now, while you need it, and it’s ok to need to come first every once in a while, and if there was ever a time to come first it’s now! Be gentle with yourself.

Sending you all the love and so many hugs. Flowers

lubeybooby · 31/05/2021 12:17

I don't think leaving will help your grief at all, it risks just leaving a lot of unresolved grief with no support to work through it - please be really kind to yourself and give yourself all the time you need, it seems your dp is happy to be supportive so don't be afraid to keep leaning on him and doing what you need to do to heal. I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Rubi87 · 31/05/2021 12:30

I hear you OP you are not alone. I lost my baby girl at full term last year and find it incredibly difficult when my 2 step kids are here and honestly could have written your post. I lock myself away in my room or disappear to my mums, some weekends I feel stronger and can be around them more. I really beat myself up over it but I’ve in recent weeks been a bit easier on myself and thought it’s ok to not be number 1 step mum, it’s ok to take yourself out of it. I have no real advice but know you are not alone and your feelings are valid. If you’re anything like me you might work up to seeing them and then feel more upset, anxious etc. I’m trying to be relaxed about it and finding it a little easier. Sending lots of love and support x

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2021 15:42

We lost our first child when she was 3 days old. I honestly couldn't see how I would ever feel normal again. You are right in the middle of grieving and this feeling is different for everyone. Please try to share this with your partner. Don't leave over this, he's the only other person in the world that is also the parent of your baby, that shares this with you.

I'm nearly 9 years on now. It does get easier. I will be thinking of you both op.

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