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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Same friend group as ex boyfriend

16 replies

loves2plan · 30/05/2021 23:38

Hi everyone,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years in January and I have started seeing someone else. Everything is fine and I think I am happier now. The problem is we share the same friend group and I see that our friends are now friends with girl ex has been on a couple of dates with. I’m not jealous because I know I don’t want to be with him but I can’t shake a feeling inside of me, like fear of missing out I guess. I also don’t feel like my friends have really been there for me through all of this. AIBU to just cut ties with them all and completely move on with my life and not have to suffer seeing anything I don’t want to? Is there any way I can just heal and move on while still being friends and genuinely happy for ex?

OP posts:

maddening · 31/05/2021 01:08

That's a tough one as a clean break does make it easier to move on and heal especially after a.longer relationship but losing long standing friends would be harsh. There must be a middle ground possibly hang back for a couple of months to let yourself get used to it a bit more?

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 02:21

Clean break... move on lady 🌸

CoffeeCakey · 31/05/2021 06:45

It is tough and up to you. I went for clean break and saw if any of them bothered to reach out to me. One did so I am still friends with them but the others have shown it was more a friendship of convenience.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 06:47

@CoffeeCakey

This sounds about right to me.

PersonaNonGarter · 31/05/2021 06:50

I had a clean break and never regretted it. I still see some of those friends but not in the same way as when me and ex were together. It’s freeing and it allowed me to build a life with DH in a way I couldn’t have done with the previous group of friends.

Yellowcrockpot · 31/05/2021 07:05

I did the clean break more than once, when people started to spend more time with my ex than me.
Thier preference of him was loud and clear.
I just stepped back.
Some people came forward in time (usually when the new gf turned out to be a nightmare) some never did, such is life when relationships break down.

Step back and give your friends the chance to 'clean break' with you too.

Sciurus83 · 31/05/2021 07:09

Yeh I think break. Have a really good think about whether there are any you want to "keep", and if you want to have individual friendships with them how to cultivate a new relationship with them outside the group

KarmaNoMore · 31/05/2021 07:17

I did the clean break too, I do not regret it. After much soul searching, I realised that of all the “mutual friends” I was afraid to lose, I only really cared about 2 people, so what seemed a great loss was actually not so.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2021 07:21

I think it’s a shame to loose your friends because you can’t bear to think of him with someone else. Hopefully that feeling will fade for you?

However it’s very rare they were always joint friends, generally they are one parties friends first. Was this the case here?

chocolateorangeinhaler · 31/05/2021 08:15

Oh do shut up with the whining "my friends haven't been there enough for me"

You don't own them, they don't owe you anything. They didn't tell you to break up so why should they be there for you. Why do you have that privilege?

Move on, your very close to 'crazy ex gf that won't get over it' territory. As others have said, clean break time. We've all been there, it's uncomfortable and scary but it's a new chapter and time to do it.

TimeForTeaAndG · 31/05/2021 08:21

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Oh do shut up with the whining "my friends haven't been there enough for me"

You don't own them, they don't owe you anything. They didn't tell you to break up so why should they be there for you. Why do you have that privilege?

Wow, rude. OP isn't whining, it's reasonable to realise that a group of friends hasn't been as supportive through a breakup as you might expect and be questioning how close they really are to you.

OP, it sounds like they were likely more his friends or were his friends before you were a couple so best to withdraw and just get on with your partner. Do you have friends out with this social group?

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2021 08:22

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Oh do shut up with the whining "my friends haven't been there enough for me"

You don't own them, they don't owe you anything. They didn't tell you to break up so why should they be there for you. Why do you have that privilege?

That’s quite rude and aggressive.

user1471457751 · 31/05/2021 08:28

Are you truly friends if you are so easily going to cut them all out of your life? Would you like it if they refused to engage with your new boyfriend in case it hurt your ex's feelings?

It seems like you are not over your ex, which isn't really fair on the new guy.

Original poster

loves2plan · 31/05/2021 08:54

Thanks for all your replies. The boys in our group were definitely friends with ex bf before but they’ve met the girls since we were together so we had a friendship but the more I think about the the more I don’t think I’d be at any loss to not be friends anymore because we hardly really talk anyway. Although i am happier now I’m just finding everything a bit difficult at the moment I think

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/05/2021 09:35

Hi OP

Your opening line that you split with your bf in jan, you're happier now and you're with someone else etc...doesn't really match up with you feeling like you needed support. Was the break up amicable? Was it obvious that you needed support? Did you tell any of them that you were struggling at any point? Maybe you just came across as being fine with everything.

EverythingRuined · 31/05/2021 09:40

Why don’t you cut down with meet ups a little but without doing anything too final. I think it’s still early days and a bit of time might make things feel a whole lot better. Even if you are happier now it’s is still a big deal to break up with someone after 10 years. It’s not surprising you have mixed feelings.

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