to think about contacting my father?

[beepbeep]

My parents divorced when I was 13 & I haven't had a relationship with my father since - he was having an affair and chose his partner and her children over his own.

I was v close to him as a child and have never been close with my mother. We're now 30 years on and I have come to realise she is a narcissist, and only contributes in a negative way to my life. I now have very little contact with her which is a positive thing, she makes contact only with my eldest child, ignoring the other 2, one because in her words "she finds him difficult" (he is autistic) and I'm really not sure why she doesn't make any effort or contact with the youngest. They are all old enough to be aware of her favouritism and I've tried to talk to them about it, but it's difficult to know how to explain it.

I'm now in the situation that I have 2 parents who are alive, but neither in my life. At my grandmother's funeral a few years a go my father spoke to me as though we'd never been estranged - v bizarre, but I think it's because he didn't want other people to know. I gave him a photo of my children with his mother with their names & dates of birth on the back, hoping he would reach out. He never did.

As life goes on I find myself thinking about him more, more so now I don't have contact with my mother. He was always very practical and see other people's dad's helping them with things and wonder how it would be, what it would be like to have a father figure etc etc

He must be in his late 70s now and I don't know how I'd feel if I found out he'd died, but on the other hand I've tried reaching out to him and he has not replicated and I'd probably just get hurt again.

Really not sure what to do. I've struggled with mental illness (anxiety & PTDS) throughout my adult life and not sure how I'd cope with the rejection again. (The mental illness is something my mother used to though in my face all the time, if anything happened she didn't like or I disagreed with her or if I pulled her up on anything, it was because (according to her) I was ill, or had I had my medication changed - never her behaviour or fault!!)

I don't want to read and run - but just want to send you a hug. Thisis a very very difficult situation (of which I have some experience, but shall not go into it here.....). You have probably got a sh*y pair of parents, and you are also of course, giving a lot of consideration to your own childrens' feelings (unlike YOUR parents). It is very delicate problem, and the main thing I would wish for you is that you can access SOME kind of Counselling or professional support to help you see the wood for the trees (although I am sure MNers will have some great advice too!).
Treat yourself very gently, with understanding and forgiveness as you take a path that coude leave you hurt quite badly if it goes "wrong" through no fault of yours.
(I will keep an eye on your thread and post again when I have more time, if I think my input is worthwhile....) xx

could
(ability to type deserts me late at night....)

Your Dad has made his choice. Concentrate on your children, they are your family now.

thanks so much. I've had ALOT of counselling, some of which has helped, some made the relationship with my mother worse (we wrote a letter about how she made me feel, but obviously it was thrown back in my face as it "upset her so much" - no taking on board any of my feelings!) and some that made me realise how toxic she is!!
I live a long way away from my family now and have a great DH & great kids, but often feel that a huge part of my life is missing and spend time wondering what if...

If it was me I’d try and contact him again to see if he is interested.

Because if you don’t you will always wonder.

It sounds like your narcissistic mother drive him crazy and he found someone else. We don’t know what she’s like so it could be that she would make his life difficult if he got involved with you. So he perhaps chose the path of least resistance, do what she wants and have an easy life.
Like mine did.
I wish I’d spent more time with him however I’m glad I found out the truth before he died. That he always loved me and that it was her fault he didn’t make more time for me because she’d nip his head because she was a jealous woman.

I think she was also after his money so keeping me out of the way was beneficial to her.

Though honestly he should have been stronger and left her. But it’s that generation. They are not like us.

He should never have abandoned his daughter at any stage of their lives. I'm sorry you've suffered anxiety, depression etc, this is often a knock on effect of parental neglect. It all affects us in some way, it's hard wired into us almost. This is a really difficult situation for you, have you had any counselling about it?

For context, i've tried counselling which didn't work. My relationships have suffered as a result due to my 'upbringing' and i'm keeping it very vague there.

Personally i've been NC with my dad for about 18 years I would guess it is. It's quite clear, and became clear to me before I 'left' him that he didn't give a shit about me. He provided me no support whatsoever despite me giving all my support to him as a teenager going through college and all manner of stressy shit with my sister. I've basically disowned my dad and my sister now. They've ruined my life ultimately. Yes i'm getting over it but that's what happened. Yet they dont' give a shit. I would think twice, three times, but I would probably veer towards NC. Why open a can of worms. If it was going to work it would have worked then wouldn't it, they say family ties are supposed to be strong. Not in everyone's case including mine. Loads of people are in your position too OP don't feel strange. It's just that people don't talk about it that much xx

It sounds as if you had a good relationship with your dad before he left. Do you know why he chose not to have a relationship with you and your siblings afterwards? Do you think it was his decision or could your mother have made it difficult/impossible to maintain a relationship?

If you do decide to contact him I think it would be a good idea to have a counselor available to help you navigate through and deal with any issues that might arise.

my father spoke to me as though we'd never been estranged

But you weren't estranged. He left you.

I can see why you would want to get back in contact. But beware that you aren't creating some kind of phantasy if it all being lovely.

@beepbeep

thanks so much. I've had ALOT of counselling, some of which has helped, some made the relationship with my mother worse (we wrote a letter about how she made me feel, but obviously it was thrown back in my face as it "upset her so much" - no taking on board any of my feelings!) and some that made me realise how toxic she is!! I live a long way away from my family now and have a great DH & great kids, but often feel that a huge part of my life is missing and spend time wondering what if...

OK, I'm back...... This is a subject dear to my heart, and I sympathisr so much with your situation.

Again, I do not want to elaborate too much about my life, but there ARE such similiarities that is may be unavoidable. One thing I would say is that, however much people may advise you to "stop [or even start] trying", that pull - and, as you say, feeling of "what if" will always be there, an awful nagging sensation.... BUT (massive But), nothing you do can change the fundamental selfishness and apparent disinterest of these people - and no doubt, they will say, if have not already, that they are "too old for all this" etc etc blah flipping blah

It IS so painful - and this is from someone who is such a masochist that I have spent a bloody lifetime (almost) trying, being forced to tap on the glass like a vampire asking to be let in. I have also been replaced by various children many times over (including a stepchild for my mother) and my daughter by other preferable grandchildren (she was literally taken by me to the other side of the world [NZ] to meet her grandfather (my father) who has never seen her since. She was 33 last month, so the maths is there to see..... ) My heart breaks for her - but she gave up on him a long time ago - and she did not have the loving and secure environment that it sounds as though your DCs do..... That said, she now has two degrees and is a Palliative Care Nurse, so it has not held her back.

Your children can be one step removed from the "rejection" that you feel - and may possibly continue to feel, as you cannot predict what these people will do if you make any or all (and it would be all on your part) efforts. They may well be "too old to change" - but they always were, no matter their actual age.

I may be wrong - as every person and "case" is different, but I don't want you to put yourself in a weakened position or state of mind... But I have had a father like yours - and a mother too, it seems - and I have suffered and been made to suffer - and if I could have my life over, I would have still tried - but I would have stopped trying sooner......

Again, this is my experience and I have not turned out so well as you - in part, by devoting - WASTING - thought, energy and consideration to two pretty unpleasant people. So, I urge you to be careful and give a lot of (but not too much!) thought to how much of yourself you want or are able to give to this - and to them..... They will likely not even appreciate it, I am sorry to say... or understand at ALL how much it means to you or how much of yourself you are offering to them in order to have something you SHOULD have had without having to try

Regarding letters - I have done this too - and also been on the receiving end of some stinkers (and as emails, which my father preferes, and woe betide ignoring or not seeing one from him). I do actually think they can be dangerous, so would be wary. Someone once said, "A letter is like a hand grenade thrown into a room, and the door closed". And I do believe that, so any of my recent letters (fewer nowadays) have been an exercise in clearing my mind, but have not been sent. It can be as bad to actually send them as to receive them, I have found....usually no good comes of it, or at "best", it was a futile exercise, or the respone - as with your mother - does more harm than good. There are better/other ways to use - and PROTECT - your mind.
x

but often feel that a huge part of my life is missing and spend time wondering what if

Of course you do. And I'm sure your counselling has covered the fact that the way your parents have treated you is not your fault, and is nothing to do with you. It is all about them.

By all means contact your father. But be ready for him to just keep being himself.

Also, remember, from outside other people's relationships with their parents can seem "ideal". But they very rarely are!

I think that sadness will always be there to some extent but the trick is to turn that off and re-focus on all you do have and enjoy what's right in front of you, over and over and over again until it becomes natural to you.

After all, most people do have or will have major sadnesses and disappointments in their lives and there's nothing for any of us to do but keep on going and remember to notice, enjoy and appreciate the rest.

I don't think either of your dysfunctional parents will ever give you what you need but your husband and children might. :)

@ThursdayWeld

my father spoke to me as though we'd never been estranged

But you weren't estranged. He left you.

I can see why you would want to get back in contact. But beware that you aren't creating some kind of phantasy if it all being lovely.

This ^^
My father LOVES to use this word, not realising the impact of it. Estrangment is usually mutual, not due to someone being abandoned. Would they like it if roles were reversed wonder?

I think you might need to give it a go, just so you know that you have tried. I think he may disappoint you, but at least then you would know.

I wouldn't and the reason for this is he abandoned you. He chose his partners children over his daughter whom he was close with. He's remained out of the picture because that's what he chose. He spoke to you like nothing happened at your grandmother's funeral to save face. You've hoped since then he would reach out, but he hasn't.
He's the one who has caused this. He's given no indication that he's changed or that he wants to build a relationship. Even if he's receptive at first it may not last and I don't think you deserve any more pain. You've suffered enough already because of his actions.

Op I am in a very similar situation and I recently got in touch with my dad. It was hard I told him how he had made me feel and how hurt I’d been he apologised but ultimately nothing has changed he doesn’t know me and all he has to talk about are his step children and their families people I don’t know and I know don’t like me as they blamed me for the no contact but it was more complicated than they realise and I was a child! I’m not sure how I feel now I had low expectations and I honestly grieved for my dad a long time ago. It’s up to you op but be aware things might not be any different and that’s not your fault. Wishing you all the best

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and input. You are right, he did abandon us (not estranged!), and I believe I am longing for what we had, not most probably would be now. He is a stranger I haven't seen for 30 years, he's never met my children.
I think it's all come to the surface again as he issues have exploded this last couple of years with my mother, and that has just made me long for some sort of parental figure. We're doing a lot of work to our house and it's reminding me of him and things he used to do. It's all very idealistic!

A possible half way house would be to visit my aunt (his sister) and speak with her, I don't see her v often but she has always been welcoming when I have. She may be able to give me some insight and possibly closure.

Beepbeep that does sound like a half way house yes...

It also could be.....there's a wave of grief and loss apparent as you have lost one rubbish parent and need the other, but neither are there and it hurts.

But it doesn't mean you need to act on that impetus. You could, as they say, sit with the feeling.

I'm in a similar boat. Estranged from entire family after child abuse. Dad earned the money and looked the other way. Never interested. Counsellor said to me, it's like you're his mother rather than him being your father.

I hadn't had contact for maybe 15yrs when a random father's day thing made me feel sad, as he is 79 now. So, I wrote to him. Almost a year later I'm over it once again because he never wants to chat, texts are one word responses, he never comments on anything I've said about my life, it's all about him, just like before.

So to go back to my advice, you're triggered and in pain, you think to do something to ease the pain rather than sit with the wave of it and let it wash away, so you take action and ......more pain.

The only good thing to come out of what I did is, at least I did it and will be around when he dies. I wont regret not doing it. It's also been easier to accept him now. I email once a month, he replies all about himself, I go 'wow NOTHING about any of the things I said!' And we vow that once a month it is, and this is how it will always be.

Thanks Something. "It also could be.....there's a wave of grief and loss apparent as you have lost one rubbish parent and need the other, but neither are there and it hurts." That is spot on how I'm feeling!!

I hope you are felling OK beepbeep. It is a minefield of emotions to navigate, so the priority is - - I cannot emphasise this enough, especially as you have uffered from (reactive? long term?) depression, connected largely to your half-assed (if that) parenting - to PROTECT yourself, your feelings, and your mind. And of course, minimise the harm, or potentional for harm, to your children.

If there is someone, such as the aunt, who is something of a step towards some kind of communcation, then that could POSSIBLY be a way to go - given that (I know) it is very hard to totally surpress the feelings that you have, and you DO want to take some action.

But beware of imagining that it will be like a Hallmark movie (or, God forbid, Long Lost bleeping Family) - and also, be prepared for the possibility that you may be seen as strong, for taking the steps - and thus, the parent (either, in your case, as in mine....) will feel that they can say precisely what they want, regardless of the damage they may do - and the consequences. You really do have to then live with what they may choose (and yes, choose) to emerge from their mouths, directly, with the filter of consideration for you.

There is another saying that I heard recently, "Do not cross oceans for someone who would not step over a puddle for you". xx

Oh, my typing - again.

It's not even late, or dark.....
My fingers are not attached to my brain sometimes

I think your suggestion of visiting your aunt seems a good idea, be it a first step or to gain some closure.

The aunt sounds like a great idea.

You might want to consider that she may say some things you don’t expect.

She may say he never wanted children and found them tiring and between that and your narco mother it was easier to walk away. That he loves you in his own way but he’s made his life elsewhere and is happy and doesn’t really want to rock the boat by meeting you. But hopes you are well and happy.

Or

Back in the day long ago if a couple split it was expected that the mum would take the children. It wasn’t abandonment. The man had to work and couldn’t care for a child during the day. The wife didn’t work or worked part time so could. It was just what happened.

If they were lucky the dad would send money. If not the gran and grandfather would care for the daughter and baby.
Nowadays it’s different.
Back then he perhaps couldn’t stand your mother’s behaviour and looked for an easy ride with some other woman that would cook and clean for him. He knew he couldn’t take you so he left knowing a child’s place is with its mother (remember this is back in the day).

After that hw couldn’t face seeing your mother but thought about you a lot and thought you would be happy as your mother loved you. In his naivety he maybe thought it was for the best and you were better off without him as he seemed to just cause your mother to shout etc and without him she’d be happier and so would you.

To see you would piss the new burd off so he sacrificed your relationship for an easy life for himself but all the time he missed you.

Just playing devils advocate but whatever you do remember that time is running out to see him if you choose to as he is elderly.

Hi all that replied to my post. I didn’t do anything (life got busy). In August we I found out via my mother via my aunt (!!) that my father was v ill in hospital with only months to live. He had a v sudden onset of a rare disease that basically shuts the body down v quickly. I made the decision to go see him (neither of my siblings chose to) but by the time I got there he could not speak & was basically just lying there. I told him I had missed him & was sad that he had not been there during my life, that he had missed out on so much. He died 2 days later.
I’m glad I saw him & said what I needed to say. It doesn’t stop me from being angry & the fact that he was absent but it gave me some closure. His wife turned up at the hospice despite knowing I was going & saying she was going later in the day, she tried to stop them from letting me see him, so a hard visit was made harder.