To expect more from my friends?

[mrssmith45]

My dh has recently left me. Too much pressure at work and me not understanding (apparently) and me asking to spend at least 1 evening at home together. My friends and family were great in the beginning but now they seem to think I should be over it and they no longer check in as they were. Maybe they are just fed up with me moaning and being upset? I feel so alone right now and don't feel I have anyone to lean on. Maybe I am just being self absorbed and expecting too much? Please tell me if I am! I'm just really struggling and have no one to talk to. Maybe I am just being selfish? I don't make a secret of the fact that I am struggling.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

How recently are we talking?

What does it mean not to make a secret of the fact that you're struggling? How does that manifest?

I would be very wary of mind-reading. They "seem to think" you should be over it - that's you projecting your fears/feelings onto their behaviour. You don't actually know what anybody is thinking over than yourself.

Maybe they do think that, maybe they don't feel equipped to support you, maybe it's activated upsetting experiences of their own...

But you're not a mindreader, so don't act upon your guesses at what others may or may not be thinking.

What did they do in the beginning that they don't do now? What strategies have you built up to help you cope?

Are they ignoring you when you bring it up or changing the subject, or have they just stopped asking?

Maybe they don’t want to bring it up if it’ll upset you.

It’s hard to say really. It’s true that people having a hard time often aren’t easy to spend time with. Grief is innately selfish and can make us poor company. They’ll all have things going on in their own lives, some of which you might not know if they know you’re struggling already and wouldn’t want to burden you.

Do you ask about them and their work, families, health, interests?

Sorry you’re so unhappy

I'm sorry you're going through this although it can be draining trying to support someone who is continuously sad, maybe they need a breather. You need to try and bring some positive in to your life so you dont become ann overwhelmingly unhappy person. Do something nice for yourself OP.

Your family and friends are not your therapist. If you need therapy, definitely get some, but sometimes someone constantly offloading and moaning is just too much to take.

It's been about 6 wks. I feel bad putting it on them but then they always say they are there if I want to talk. If I could afford a therapist I would! I'm trying to keep positive but it's just so hard when I'm so broken. I went for a family meal yesterday and it was the first time I've had to go on my own. It was awful I came home and cried.
Maybe because I'm always the strong one and always the one that is there for everyone else that they would think I'm ok, I don't know. I'm just really struggling to cope and it helps so much to talk.

Some people breeze through break-ups. I didn't and although I think i have some good friends, they frankly weren't much help.

But happily time healed me and it will you too. So hang on in there OP. You'll get through this difficult time. Good luck.

Sorry you're in a bad place, OP

To be blunt, even those who care about you won't put up with misery for very long. The truth is, it's draining and somewhat contagious. They may check in out of duty, but no longer out of enjoyment (as they presumably did when all was well).

That's not to say you've done anything wrong. Perhaps you could use some tough love though. It's a big and shitty thing that you're going through, but dwelling in self pity isn't productive. If your friends see only that and no attempt at positivity and resilience, they'll lose sympathy very fast.

You can acknowledge that it's a tough time but be determined to make a good life for yourself. You won't get there straight away but you absolutely will get there. You'll get there much, much sooner if you actually want to.