To be exhausted (mental health - trigger warnings)

[QueenOfHighFunctioningBPD]

I've changed my username. I need to get off my chest what I'm feeling and I have no real life outlet.
I have bpd, ocd, high levels of anxiety, depression, a touch of agoraphobia and god knows what else.

I'm on a waiting list for NHS dbt, these lists are long and slow moving.

I am high functioning so I cry to myself in private anguish and feel like I'm trapped in a life that makes me miserable. I can't die because I have children who I know need me, I'd never ever do that to them.
But I feel like I can't live in this misery. I feel desperation crowding in on me all the time. I am so unhappy.

I don't even feel like I can phone a helpline because phoning someone up is not easy for me and expressing emotions out loud, well that's a very long phone call.

I have the local crisis teams number but I can't phone that because I'm not suicidal, I'd take up their time, I'm a waste of time, I need to go to work and earn money or bills don't get paid and I need to get on with being a mum and try and not fuck things up.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I just needed to write it all down, get it off my chest.

You’re not alone. I suffer MH issues too, and yip, the feeling of exhaustion is completely familiar. It will get better. Is there anything you can do to get something off your plate? Anyone able to help (paid if your budget allows or a friend/ family that can help)

I don't have answers but just so you know you're not the only one who feels exactly like that.

It sounds really difficult and I’m not surprised you’re at the end of your tether. Those services have been cut to the bone and many people aren’t getting the support they need.
If helpful there’s a text line called ‘shout’ where you can text someone rather than call. I don’t know if that’ll help offload as it’s not the same as verbally expressing? If so it’s giveusashout.org/

But I’m sorry I wish I could offer practical help and solutions

Hey OP, I have this too at the minute. I'd been doing really well and the. A few things got on top of me. I could see the early wanting signs I know to look out for but I kept saying "I'll get a rest at the weekend....once xxxx is over it'll all be better.... I just need a bit more sleep".

So I ignored the early warnings and then Thursday I had a massive panic attack. I did call the Dr on Friday though and have new meds and am back to see psychiatry soon.

I used to get that feeling of wanting to end it all but then feeling tied to the world by my children. I suppose that can be a little bit of a safety net maybe?

Is there anyway you could get a little break to yourself? Even just a few hours?

Thank you everyone for the replies.
I wish I could have more time to myself but unfortunately it's not possible.

My husband isn't that supportive, I try to explain to him how unwell I feel and I'm sure he thinks I'm exaggerating and attention seeking. He's fed up at very least. I don't do as much housework as I should, he just thinks I'm lazy, not fighting to stay above water.

I'm fed up of him too atm tbh, he's not helping me. It takes a proper break down for him to realise its serious and because I'm high functioning that's rare. 🤯

Some days I actually wish I could be committed to get some serious support but I can't leave my babies even for 1 day (they're my everything) so I don't say anything & just trudge on.

Just want to say thanks to @Sparklesocks for the shout recommendation, they're great!

I haven't got much advice OP. I just wanted to say you're not alone if how you are feeling. I'm off work at the moment, due to anxiety (due back next week). Its been very hard, I can get up and dressed, feed my dc, and get them to school etc, all the while feel like I'm going to die inside. Its been horrendous. I sat in the garden on Sunday evening and cried to myself. It's so hard to explain how you feel out loud isn't it. I worry people will think I'm mad. I really would seek help from a professional, or support line.