To tell him to fuck off and he can see his kids when they are a priority

[UnFringed]

Kids are supposed to go to their dads for half term. He’s already shortened the days they are going and hasn’t arsed himself to call me yet despite them supposed to be leaving at 12 today. He’s not answering the phone, he’s probably shagging the lass he cheated on me with that lives locally.

They are giving me absolute hell as they don’t want to go, he basically dumps them on his parents in a shit tiny house there with no toys, who swiftly plug them into their iPads and they end up just fighting, crying and calling me all day anyway. He prioritises “work”, yet that work seems to take 24 hours a day and doesn’t actually earn him anything to pay me, hasn’t for 5 years now.

I maintain a very high level career while paying for everything and still balancing their needs, try to use as little additional childcare as I can do they can be in their home with me where they want to be.

I feel selfish because I’m the one fighting for them to have a relationship, but also I’m tired, so fucking tired. Honestly I send them only every 5-7 weeks so I can have a tiny bit of personal and mental space to re-charge. I HAVE to work but at least I get the morning/night to just sleep or clean or read a book when they are there.

I need this break but feel so guilty, like I shouldn’t need it. He doesn’t love them but just cannot prioritise them, the absolute Disney dad, buys them the odd big gift, says he misses them, FaceTimes and calls that parenting.

I am so tempted to just tell him not to fucking bother until he can actually spend some time with them. I’ll just try and book a holiday club or something and stay on the damn treadmill forever.

Don’t get me wrong we do have a good life, I do have happiness but the odd break just recharges me as 3 kids alone and working isn’t easy.

What he would prefer is to come over every few weeks and spend a couple of “fun” hours with them then go again. I feel like saying if he can’t do the slog then he doesn’t get that either, it makes me too angry and why should he get to swoop in every now and again for the fun times. He won’t even put them to bed, just comes, goes somewhere fun then leaves me with 3 overtired kids to get to sleep before school and work again.

ARGH sorry general rant.

*does love them

How old are they? Sounds like hard work. And your ex is a dick. But you know that!

How old are the kids? Their dad sounds like a total and utter loser. I’m all for coparenting and children having a good relationship with both parents it doesn’t sound like he can be bothered. The kids if they don’t already are probably aware of what a useless tosser he is. I’m not sure I’d be bother. If he wants a relationship with them, he needs to make it happen.

I am so tempted to just tell him not to fucking bother until he can actually spend some time with them. I’ll just try and book a holiday club or something and stay on the damn treadmill forever
Don't tell him anything, just cut him out of the loop completely, from now on he does not exist.

It is not enough to just passively say he loves them he has to actively contribute towards their well-being and he just doesn't. Try to accept that he is useless and stop wasting your energy on him, he will not change he is merely a selfish idiot.
You are a better person move forward and create the life that you deserve for you and your children.

I think your stress level would be much lower if you just ignore him completely. If you can afford holiday club go for it. You can often get a discount for more than one child.
I was lucky enough to compress my hours during school holidays and had a sort of arrangement with another parent to have all the kids on one day a week each. Luckily they all got on and it was easier as they played together. In good weather it was possible to keep them outside all the time.

They are 6, 9 and 11. The 11 year old in particular is at me like a trapped vixen that she does just not want to go.

I hate him, he won’t even sign the fucking divorce, no reason given just total avoidance so I can’t move on.

I’ve always been the calm lovely ex but the older they get the more they can see how he just pays lip service to parenting, lots of love via technology fuck all practical parenting, and it’s ALL my fault, my fault that I am “forcing them to go”, my fault why we “can’t be a normal family”.

Because poor old daddy has to work, and apparently my work (senior director) isn’t as hard. Hmmmm no my loves I just grind myself to the bone to make sure you still get a life with your mother by only getting about 4 hours sleep a night and running and running and running.

I so needed this break, 45 minutes late now, no call, no response, haven’t packed as the kids are in total meltdown. Selfish twat.

What a twat. Is there anyone else who could have them to give you a break? Sleep overs with their friends, your parents if they’re around?

You and your children deserve so much better but you won’t get it from him so I’d stop bothering to arrange anything or contact him as it’s not doing any of you any good.

What can you do to push the divorce through?

It is the stress, anger and disappointment that is exhausting. Cutting him out leaves you with the work and responsibility, but not the rest. The dc will be calmer too. At 11, any judge would take the dc's choice into account.

@endofthelinefinally you may be right, the relief of giving up the marriage (he was like this as soon as we had the kids) was immense due to giving up expectations.

Maybe I’ll feel better if I settle myself to just being on the treadmill alone and not expecting a break, try and live through it and build a life with no expectations of free time or a dad for them.

But if he won’t do the hard work then he’s out, I’m done, he’s not getting the “fun” either. He can take me to court to see them at all, and he won’t.

@AnneLovesGilbert solicitor says that I’ll have to start from scratch, we basically did an amicable separation agreement after 2 years but it requires him to actually sign when it comes to divorce.

To force it I’ll have to go back to the beginning and change the approach. It will cost me a fortune (again), as at that moment I’m paying his fees too!!!

They will get older and easier. Your 11 year old is approaching adolescence and could do without the stress. I expect she feels like you do about him, but just can't articulate her feelings very well.

Cms
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Poor kids and poor you he sounds such a waster no advice just sending you lots of gin and cake and flowers you do deserve the break and they deserve a decent dad

I feel that your anger towards him is based on him cheating and destroying your relationship and family unit. Despite best efforts out views on people come across to others it’s so hard be impartial with an ex but for the sake of your children’s relationship with their father you have to. And you have to remain impartial if they come home and say they were at his parents house for a few days or stayed in watching telly ... slagging him off will instil in them that this is how adults behave!

Your kids are taking it out in you because you are their safe base, their constant in which they can express their emotions. It must be so confusing as to why their Dad can't be their for them like you are and also hurt. The younger children might be able to fall for the Disney Dad routine for a while but I bet your DD knows the score which is adding to her anger. I think you're doing a bloody amazing job and your kids will realise all that you did when they are older. Keep running!

I think that legally you just have to tell him the kids are available for contact, if he doesnt turn up you don't have to hang around.
Do you have paid child care when you are working? Could you extend that a little so you have a little extra time at the end of your working day?

If they don't want to go and will be just at their grandparents' house on ipads then definitely don't send them.

Be strategic, take control, don't give him any information as to what you are doing.
Treat him like the mushroom that he is... keep him in the dark and feed him bulshit

You sound bloody amazing you should be proud. It would be easier emotionally just to do it all yourself and stop waiting for him to step up. At least then you'd be in control. I honestly think in this situation turn your phone off and go and have a lovely day with your kids.
I put my ex on the slow fade as he was so useless with DS. Don't say anything to him, just try and grey rock him.

What your ex wants most is attention, he wants to feel as if he is important, if you ignore him completely you starve him of what he most wants. Every time you respond or pay him any attention you feed him and make him stronger, the more angry and upset you are the more powerful he feels.
Stop feeding him and he will wither away out of your life✔️

@UnFringed

*does love them

I think you were right the first time . Freudian slip.

They don't want to go, so don't send them. Send them to childcare to give yourself a break instead if you can afford it. It sounds like you can but don't want to so they are in their home. But you need some time alone too and thanks to useless daddy you don't get that.

Stop contacting him, stop sending them. If he really wants to see his kids, he can fight for half custody and prove it. He won't bother so you have nothing to worry about. And start again on the divorce and get it done. Get yourself free of him.

The 11 year old is now at an age where the court would take into account her wishes would they not? I know you must be exhausted and want a break, no one can blame you but I think I’d start preparing to do it all alone without him. The kids don’t want to go, he is useless and if anything the stress from the kids having to see him probably has a lot of impact.