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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not taking niece

33 replies

Lemonopolis · 29/05/2021 22:09

I have two DC under 4. My sister's DD is 9, around five years older than my oldest.
Before DC's were born I took my niece out a lot, and often when DC1 was a baby she'd join us on days out too.
Obviously due to covid we haven't had any days out in a long time (when I say days out I mean fulls days to farm parks etc, not just an afternoon swimming etc). I mentioned to Dsis I was taking my kids on a day out this weekend and she said what about niece? Obviously because I had taken her out in the past she expected her to come with us this time too. Tbh I did consider bringing her with us but I decided against it for a few reasons (it's an hour round trip in the opposite direction from where we're going to get her/drop her off, it's expensive enough as it is, not wanting responsibility of another child on a day out etc)
Now I'm left feeling
A. Bad I didn't invite her
B. Like I would either need to invite my niece on any family day out in the future or keep it a secret from my sister when I'm going somewhere.
Was I BU to not invite her?

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 29/05/2021 22:12

How often does she have you child?

If she didn't offer to bring her and or pay for her, she is being a total CF

SeriousNotions · 29/05/2021 22:13

Your niece is old enough to remember her trips and probably really enjoyed her time with you. You sound like a lovely aunt. I would include her in some trip in future but not the majority of them. You have your hand full as it is.
Out of interest, how often does you sister have your kids?

eatingpopcorn · 29/05/2021 22:14

Did your Dsis maybe just suggest it as in she thought she would join you with your niece together for a group day out? unless your sister was a bit funny about it after you said no, I wouldn't think anymore about it, and just enjoy your day out with your little two.

Cherrysoup · 29/05/2021 22:14

It’s tricky given the age difference, plus an hour to get her then drop her back? I’d be saying no.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/05/2021 22:16

This is a case of

Making you feel like a shit Aunt who doesn't care about her niece

when actually you are Free Childcare with Added Expense, giving your sister Free Time

Flip the Script

Does she take yours on days out or blame their age "such a shame, I really would"

CFery

suspiria777 · 29/05/2021 22:16

Does your sister ever take yours out with hers? Or do you have days out together?

When she said "what about Neice?" you could have said "you're welcome to bring her, but i can't look after all three on my own". You could add something witty about being massively outnumbered or still waiting for your second pair of hands to grow in if that makes it less awkward, but tbh i don't think it's necessary. Unless your sister manages all three fine or something and would be chagrined at your refusal to reciprocate.

Standrewsschool · 29/05/2021 22:17

You were not unreasonable to not take your niece, and it was a bit presumptuous of your dsis to assume you would take your niece. Now you have a young family,it’s totally reasonable for you to have family days out, just you and your immediate family. Maybe include your niece on some events, eg, picnic down local park,but you’re not obliged to include her on every trip. The family dynamics have changed, and your sister needs to realise this.

Homemadearmy · 29/05/2021 22:18

I don't think it's as black and white as one of you is wrong.
Your niece most probably misses seeing you and going places with you. And even though 9 is a lot older than your children she's still young and won't realise why you no longer take her on days out.

Standrewsschool · 29/05/2021 22:19

And you don’t need to keep your plans secret.

Lollypop4 · 29/05/2021 22:20

Your sister is a CF.

I'd never ecpect or demand my siblings take my DC out (We all live close by, our DC are all close in age and all get on v.well!)
And its nice to just enjoy time with your DC alone!

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 22:21

When she said "what about Neice?" you could have said "you're welcome to bring her, but i can't look after all three on my own".

Good point. And what to do if it happens again.

It would be farcical if you felt you couldn’t tell your sister you were taking your kids out for the day without her trying to dump her child on you.

And what they said, how often does she have your two...?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 22:22

@Homemadearmy

I don't think it's as black and white as one of you is wrong. Your niece most probably misses seeing you and going places with you. And even though 9 is a lot older than your children she's still young and won't realise why you no longer take her on days out.

Then it’s for the sister to arrange outings so the cousins can all meet up.

HTH1 · 29/05/2021 22:23

Agree, you could have agreed to meet her there but Dsis should not have expected free childcare from someone who so obviously has her hands full. I’m guessing Dsis doesn’t take your two on days out, at her expenses, to give you a break.

honeygirlz · 29/05/2021 22:23

Your sister is a CF if she never offers any money or takes your kids out.

An hour out of your way is way too much, stick to saying no.

MrsBlondie · 29/05/2021 22:23

Why couldn't sister come too with niece?

Original poster

Lemonopolis · 29/05/2021 22:26

It was very much said in a way of why is niece not going with you.
She takes the kids to stay now and again but only ever one at a time and the furthest she's ever took either of them is a walk to the local swing park.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 29/05/2021 22:28

When you go for a picnic, a school fete look or something that is free invite your sister to drop off your niece and say you will drop her back afterwards. When it is an expensive day out at theme park or farm park just take your own kids. Your niece probably does not understand why she is being left out. Her Mum should be taking her out more. You could suggest to your sister you both meet up with kids and both care for them.

Notaroadrunner · 29/05/2021 22:49

Don't feel bad. You are allowed to have a family day out without inviting other relatives. Ignore her comment. Go on your day out and next time, if you feel like it, suggest your sister and niece join you. I wouldn't be travelling to collect her at any stage. If you are good enough to bring her on a day out then she should be dropped at your house and collected.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/05/2021 22:54

I love spending time with my niece even though there is 10 year age gap between her and ds and would invite her but on my terms. I would ask for her to be dropped off as the drive is to long for two young children and I would expect them to contribute as it costs too much with 3 children.

cadburyegg · 29/05/2021 22:56

Your sister is being massively unreasonable. It was lovely of you to take your niece out in the past but your sister can’t expect the same amount of babysitting now that you have your own children. Very interesting that your sister won’t take your kids out on a big day out. Two kids under 4 is quite enough to keep your eye on. I have a 6 and 3 year old and wouldn’t want to be responsible for another too. If your niece misses the time with you then your sister should be arranging family meet ups more often. If niece is feeling left out then that’s on your sister, not you

Honeyroar · 29/05/2021 23:19

Just say “I can’t take her every time” or “I can’t afford it this time” and tell her she can bring her herself if she wants, she just needs to be at your house at x o’clock and it costs £x per person. Or really throw it back and say it’s about time she had a turn at taking all three out.

NumberTheory · 30/05/2021 00:09

Your sister should not ever be expecting you to take DN with you. Especially since she doesn’t reciprocate in kind. Don’t feel bad about it. Don’t keep your trips a secret. You aren’t her free childcare provider. Take your DN when you want to and you think it will be good for everyone.

YourSexNotGenderIsOnFire · 30/05/2021 00:34

I think I'd suggest sister comes with you and looks after (and obviously pays for!) DN. She IBVU expecting you to take her.

PinkSatinMoon · 30/05/2021 03:10

Stop being GUILTED and manipulated by your Sister 🌸

Raindancer411 · 30/05/2021 05:36

As Pink says...

I think your sister just is using you for free trips out for her DD, and free time for herself. Take her out once a year for a treat but you have your own to pay for now and days out are not cheap!!

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