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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for making friends with our childminder?

22 replies

Raspberrysins · 29/05/2021 20:49

I live in a small town, and have taken on a new childminder in the last year. She has two of her own kids who have made friends with my two. I think it's really lovely. I also get on really well with her myself and have started seeing her socially a bit here and there. Playdates etc. but also a glass of wine once or twice. It's nice to finally have a friend here to be honest! Tonight my DH suddenly declares that he doesn't think it's wise to 'mix business with pleasure' and that he's not comfortable with us making friends with someone we 'pay to look after our kids'. I think he sounds like such an arse and I'm actually really pissed off and a bit upset as I was enjoying my new friendship.

Am I being blind to it though? Do you think it's unreasonable to make friends with the childminder? I said to him that we can't exactly stop the children from making friends with each other! It's like he doesn't even like to make friendly conversation with her either, which I think is just rude. He is quite socially awkward though at the best of times..

OP posts:

TooStressyTooMessy · 29/05/2021 20:57

I am friends with my childminder. We were friends first (not good friends though) then she became my childminder. However, although we are friends (and our children are good friends), we both try to have a clear line and I think have less of a friendship because of this.

I think your husband is unreasonable (especially if he is socially awkward anyway) not to be polite and friendly but I do think maybe a super close friendship is too tricky to maintain. I try to have a clear line as to when she is my childminder and when she is my friend. In general I think YANBU but I think clear boundaries are necessary.

That said, I feel incredibly grateful that she is in our lives. Our kids are good friends and they know they can always go to her with any problems. Both DH and I agree that she is the most important person on our Christmas list .

Starlightstarbright1 · 29/05/2021 20:58

I am a cm. Used to mind my ds's best friend, children of people i have become friends. My ds's best friend knew he had 2 sets of rules one here as ds's mate one as a minded child. At times he would become a mate after i finished work so quite liked going up to my ds's bedroom there.

I have become friends with some parents, I can seperate the 2 . Always treat business as business . I have to also be aware i could possibly have a safeguarding issue , that can be difficult.
I had rules with my friends too. If they needed help I would help if they just wanted extra hours at work they paid me.

It can work but it takes more thought both sides

TooStressyTooMessy · 29/05/2021 21:02

Starlightstarbright1 puts it very well. Similar situation with my childminder.

Smartiepants79 · 29/05/2021 21:06

He’s right in one way. You are a client and it has the potential to be messy if anything happens with the children that you don’t like.
How long is she likely to be your childminder for?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t socialise but it’s much harder to tell a friend that you don’t like the way she does her job. You are also paying her.... there’s the potential for an imbalance of power. A falling out could destroy her business.
I would perhaps treat the friendship carefully until she’s no longer caring for your kids. Could you discuss it with her (carefully) to see what her take on it is?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2021 21:07

I generally agree its not good to mix business with pleasure. But that's normally said when you are friends with someone first and then ask them to do something for you for the first time, it's full of pitfalls and can be awkward both giving them direction/ criticism and sorting out the money part, on both sides. However when someone is already in that relationship and boundaries have already been established, I think building a friendship is ok. As long as youd both be ok raising issues. I mean I am friends with managers at work even though in work it's a slightly different dynamic and I accept criticism from them that I wouldn't do outside work for example. It be annoyed that your husband disnt have faith in you to navigate the different aspects of your relationship with her with integrity. And is only also telling you this now after you've been friends a while!

notanothertakeaway · 29/05/2021 21:10

I think it's best not to mix business with pleasure. For some reason, I feel stopping for a cuppa when you collect your child feels ok to me, but arranging to socuslise feels wrong

Noodledoodledoo · 29/05/2021 21:10

I am friends with my childrens childminder, my daughter and hers are in the same class so inevitable. I tend to be better at making sure I am not taking the mickey, we had a very open conversation about when things are friends and when its childminding. She bought my kids home from gymnastics for me on Friday, that was a friend thing, emergency collection from school is a cm thing!

MiniCooperLover · 29/05/2021 21:11

Do you think he doesn't like you having an independent friend?

BumbleFlump · 29/05/2021 21:12

I think this is quite normal actually

Original poster

Raspberrysins · 29/05/2021 21:35

Thanks for all your replies. It’s made me reflect on what I had perhaps been naive about. I am always so trusting of anything and tend to go headfirst into things sometimes. I think my DH may have a point now and can see his side more than before. Maybe I need to have a chat with her and also reassure him that this has happened. I can imagine a situation being potentially awkward for either me (if I wasn’t happy about something she did) or her (safeguarding issue, or if I got too relaxed with her when she’s working). I hope she will be open to discuss it without feeling offended. How can I bring it up?

OP posts:

An0n0n0n · 29/05/2021 22:06

Is your husband normally jealous about you making firends or anything else?

TooStressyTooMessy · 29/05/2021 22:10

I would just say you wanted to talk to her. Say you are so pleased to have found a childminder that you also feel has become a friend. But you don’t want there to be any risk of ill feeling at any point so for her to please feel free to to treat you like any other client and to be clear that she is a childminder first and you understand she may not have time to chat etc if she is working. I usually just say to mine I never want her to feel I am taking the piss so please tell me if I am or tell me if she thinks I have screwed something up as a parent .

The conversation might be awkward but you can always say you are having an awkward conversation to try to reduce awkwardness in the future. Ideally if you phrase it better than my ramblings that will help!

I am very clear that she is my childminder before my friend. I also never ask her to have my kids for free, if I ask her for extra hours I always make it clear I will be paying for them.

TooStressyTooMessy · 29/05/2021 22:10

Also yes to the questions about your husband... is this actually about your childminder or is he annoyed about you having friends?

hookiewookie29 · 29/05/2021 22:24

I'm a cm and great friends with all of my families. I have them all on Facebook, have been to birthdays and christenings and even ended up on the same campsite with one family! Childminding can be very isolating so, for me, it's nice to have other people to talk to!
However, when it comes to any issues relating to their children, they treat me as a professional, always pay me and never take the p**s.

buckeejit · 29/05/2021 22:24

I'm a cm & try to distance myself a bit although really like all my parents & some would def call friends

Blankspace101 · 29/05/2021 22:34

Your husband is an arse. It’s fine being friends with CM but it sounds like you don’t have many other friends. Be careful you don’t let your need for a friend put you in a position where you let boundaries be crossed.

toocold54 · 29/05/2021 22:40

I used to be friends with my CM but not in the same way. We’d go out with a group of friends or sit together at school plays etc rather than meet up for wine alone.
I think it’s nice to be quite close to them as you can tell what type of person there is but I’m with your husband about it could cross a boundary. It makes it very difficult when you have a complaint about something or when the CM’s DD is bullying your child (which happened to another parent).

Summerfun54321 · 29/05/2021 22:51

I moved from a big city to a small town. The lines between business and friendships have become a bit blurred as I do a lot of work for friends and make friends with people I do work for (not a cm, different industry). In a big city I’d think it was not a good idea but in a small place, you just have to be friends with people you click with because there aren’t so many people to choose from!

Babbly · 29/05/2021 23:33

My mum childminded for two kids (brother and sister) when I was growing up. The girl is still my best friend and the mum is still my mum's best friend. She was the maid of honour at my wedding and is godmother to DS. My mum and her mum see each other every single day. I can't see anything wrong with being friends with her - just don't let it get in the way.

Original poster

Raspberrysins · 29/05/2021 23:57

My husband isn’t usually the type to care who I’m friends with not at all. It really took me aback to be honest which is why it’s got me questioning myself. He seemed to think it wasn’t a good idea to blur the boundaries. I told him that she was the first person I’d really connected with here. We were going to meet up over the bank holiday but now I’m not sure. He probably won’t think it’s a good idea. I’m also worried that now if we bump into them outside her house he will be standoffish. Is he entitled to put his foot down because we ‘employ’ her? I want to reassure him somehow that we can be friends too.

OP posts:

Teessider · 30/05/2021 00:02

I see no issue with this tbh. Tell him you're old enough to make your own decisions and just crack on as you see fit

I'd keep a modicum of distance between you having said that. But a coffee, a meet up for a glass of wine and a day out on a bank holiday would be fine in my book.

Consider how long you'll be employing her for and do what you feel is best - and not what you're husband thinks you should do. You are capable of deciding for yourself so if you want to be friends with her , then be friends

TooStressyTooMessy · 30/05/2021 21:10

Ah ok if he is not normally bothered then maybe it is genuine concerns about mixing business with pleasure. Nothing to stop you cautiously moving on wi to the friendship though.

Re. the ‘employing’ her issue. I always find this idea interesting. Yes, in theory I ‘employ’ my childminder (for want of a better word, I suppose more truthful to say I am the customer). In terms of the balance of power though I would absolutely say she has the power and I have no problem with that. Where we live there is a huge childcare shortage. She could fill my space ten times over easily. She is also freakishly confident with children and I am... not so much. I suspect his probably depends on how easy it is to find good childcare where you live.

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