to think my DH is being unreasonable about eating!

[Herewegoagain84]

Just had an argument with my DH about the fact I don’t fancy a BBQ tonight. It’s pretty cold, I’m exhausted (two young DC), and just not hungry. Long story short I said I’m happy to sort my food tonight and he should work his out and not worry about me - I’ll probably have some toast. At which point he flounced off and said he won’t eat anything then. I said it was normal to occasionally not want the same things/ eat separately (even though we have done this only rarely in our relationship). He then suggested we do separate shopping lists. I think he’s being utterly ridiculous and also putting his own well-being/eating habits on my shoulders somehow. Can people please tell me whether this is a fairly common thing for people in a relationship to do, or am I being unreasonable for not wanting to eat the same dinner tonight?!!

@Bluntness100

lol a these posts, so desperate to support and follow the first poster that folks are pretending it’s totally Normal to live like students and habe seperate meals. 😂

Eh?

Sometimes we eat separate meals - maybe one of us has been out, one isn’t particularly hungry etc. It happens.

I’m thinking YABU. You make no mention of the DCs meal. And it seems a shame to cancel a BBQ dinner for all because “mummy wants toast”. Yes, you’re both exhausted but you should still both cook a decent dinner for the DCs at least even if you don’t eat any yourself.

It depends, if we had planned bbq/specific meal and brought the stuff I would be a bit annoyed, but if it was just a last minute suggestion then I can't see the problem

@Bluntness100

lol a these posts, so desperate to support and follow the first poster that folks are pretending it’s totally Normal to live like students and habe seperate meals. 😂

What a weirdly hostile post. What is up with posters who can't conceive that different couples have different habits.

Totally normally to not want to eat the same thing every night. Sometimes DH fancies a pizza delivery whereas I just want low carb.

He's being a prick yes, but I guess he was looking forward to it.
I've only recently, past month or two, come to the conclusion that I'm not cooking for both of us anymore after 25 years of doing it. The kids have upped and off and DH rarely back by 8 pm and often much much later... much too late for me. It's been life hanging, frankly, to not have to think about feeding the two of us.
As I'm at home I make sure there's stuff in he can put together easily but basically now expect him to do for himself. I usually just want some cheese and bics and a glass of wine. Bloody marvellous.

Does he always overreact and get pissy when you don't fall into line?

Sometimes dh and I will have separate meals at the same time as well as different times depending on what either of us have been doning that day. We are both retired. He also will make himself a hamburger using the BBQ occasionally while I have something lighter. There is no drama over this.

I don't think it's about different meals/ fancying different things occasionally, it's about the fact that it's a sunny May Bank Holiday weekend, the football's on, there's a feeling of happiness in the air as we're coming out of lockdown, and he fancied having a lovely evening with his wife in which he'd do a barbecue. Instead you're miserable, don't want to join in, and say you only want toast. Fine I suppose but you are being a bit of a killjoy. And no obviously he's not going to fire up the barbecue for one - who does that? I think you're being quite passive aggressive pretending you don't understand why he might not want a solo BBQ on a Saturday night.

And no obviously he's not going to fire up the barbecue for one - who does that?

🙋

I don't think it's about different meals/ fancying different things occasionally, it's about the fact that it's a sunny May Bank Holiday weekend, the football's on, there's a feeling of happiness in the air as we're coming out of lockdown, and he fancied having a lovely evening with his wife in which he'd do a barbecue. Instead you're miserable, don't want to join in, and say you only want toast. Fine I suppose but you are being a bit of a killjoy. And no obviously he's not going to fire up the barbecue for one - who does that? I think you're being quite passive aggressive pretending you don't understand why he might not want a solo BBQ on a Saturday night.

Wow. Are you like in his head? Are you OP’s husband? Why does OP have to eat the same thing he’s having if they’re eating together? He could easily cook for himself.

OP, there is nothing wrong with eating separate dinners. Do you order the exact same food at a restaurant when you eat out together? Doubtful. My husband and I eat together and have separate meals all the time. He thinks of food constantly where I struggle with what I want to eat most of the time because I don’t get as hungry as him. I naturally fast because I don’t feel hungry and even when I do the feeling can easily go a way if I’m busy with something. He also likes food that are quite meaty, heavy and rich like casseroles, pies and chips, roasts where I prefer lighter foods like veggies, pastas, breads. I could easily eat a few slices of toast, have a bowl of oatmeal or cereal and call it a day. Neither of us would force the other to eat how the other eats.

A bbq isn't just about eating separate meals though, its a social occasion. You are relaxed and chatting, maybe having a drink. It tends to go on much longer than an everyday meal.

Have you read wifework?
There’s an interesting bit in it that talks about feeding different members of the family.
THere can be a bit of a pattern that husbands want to eat big dinners late, while wives are happier to eat a light tea with the kids. The work of an extra meal often falls on the wife who doesn’t necessarily want to eat it anyway.

While i like a collective approach to household activities and tasks which means eating together mostly, it does need to work for everyone. I can see how a male-driven meal plan wouldn’t suit everyone, and that many men would fail to see that what they like doesn’t suit everyone.

It sounds like OP is at the beginning of negotiations about these different needs, and hopefully some of the perspectives on here will help.

I agree, a Saturday night bbq is an occasion, and probably the moment to bring the issue up which would lead to a more challenging discussion about it.

But the principle is right, that you don’t always have the same needs/ wants with food, and the weekly round of meals needs to accommodate everyone.

@ContessaVerde that's so true. My DH is a glory cook, he cooks for Instagram and pictures, whereas for me it's a daily thing so I try to keep meals simple and I wash up as I go along.

DH leaves a bomb site after cooking, and then doesn't wash up for 1-2 days afterwards and there is an expectation that I clean it (I never do when he asks me).

Yes, that's interesting. I was more the one who wanted 'grown up dinner', later in our house. But I was also making all the weekday meals, so often ended eating the 'nursery tea' leftovers, rather than let them go to waste, then wasn't hungry later but still had to cook.

We moved towards a time compromise as the DC got older, eating all together after 6pm. The issue there was what we ate. I'd often have been happy with simple, child-friendly dishes like omelette, pasta, even beans on toast sometimes. DP did not want to eat those things and wanted a 'proper' dinner. That presented two issues; more time to cook and finding things the DC could be persuaded to eat. His perception that they should try and eat the dishes he wanted, (a case of 'it would be convenient to me if...) did not always make for an enjoyable dinner, or well-fed DC.

DH leaves a bomb site after cooking, and then doesn't wash up for 1-2 days afterwards and there is an expectation that I clean it (I never do when he asks me).

Mine is the same. He at least washes up because the clutter bothers him but it is never really clean because it always has a greasy film or stuck on food so I end up re-washing some of it anyway to use it. He’s one that still doesn’t really rinse dishes so he doesn’t see it’s still dirty just leaves soap bubbles on. I clean as I go so I don’t get stuck having to do it all at the end.

A bbq isn't just about eating separate meals though, its a social occasion. You are relaxed and chatting, maybe having a drink.

OP has said she’s tired and it’s pretty cold so she’s not going to find it relaxing to go through a bbq when she’s exhausted hence is why she said she wasn’t up for one. Should she have just done it anyway and then him possibly moan that she wasn’t chatty enough, wasn’t eating anything, wasn’t being social? She was honest with him how she felt and instead of thinking “we can do it later so we can both enjoy it”, he gets huffy because he wants to do it regardless how she feels.

@lottiegarbanzo

Yes, that's interesting. I was more the one who wanted 'grown up dinner', later in our house. But I was also making all the weekday meals, so often ended eating the 'nursery tea' leftovers, rather than let them go to waste, then wasn't hungry later but still had to cook.

We moved towards a time compromise as the DC got older, eating all together after 6pm. The issue there was what we ate. I'd often have been happy with simple, child-friendly dishes like omelette, pasta, even beans on toast sometimes. DP did not want to eat those things and wanted a 'proper' dinner. That presented two issues; more time to cook and finding things the DC could be persuaded to eat. His perception that they should try and eat the dishes he wanted, (a case of 'it would be convenient to me if...) did not always make for an enjoyable dinner, or well-fed DC.

What a selfish bastard.

Well, I think it's pretty common. Even when people couple up, pre-DC, there's often a shift to 'must cook proper dinners every night because the bloke wants that, plus its romantic', when the woman might previously have been happy to snack or eat leftovers some nights.

Often food is wrapped up with love and with leisure, so people put more effort into cooking for each other early on in a relationship, which contributes to setting a standard high, that doesn't actually suit long-term practicality.

Food is like sex, basically.

With DC, there's the shift in focus of culinary effort (and lack of effort, due to limited energy) towards the children. But I think this might also help explain the male dislike of women infantilising themselves by eating nursery food, rather than joining them in enjoying grown-up dinners.

@Bluntness100

lol a these posts, so desperate to support and follow the first poster that folks are pretending it’s totally Normal to live like students and habe seperate meals. 😂

Lol right back at the implication that people have to all be the same.

In our house, the 3 of us (DD, DS and I) sit together and eat the same meal about 4 times a week. On other days we have different things going on so sort our own food out.

And shock, horror, if one of us is ill, or just isn't in the mood for whatever meal is planned, we chat and sort something else out. It's not rocket science, or in any way complicated to sort things out.