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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He wants a second child but...

22 replies

Flatpancakes23 · 29/05/2021 12:34

We could of already had that. After having our newborn with him we should of already had two children. But he didnt want the first one. So stupidly I aborted. I resent and havent forgiven him or myself for the termination. It was horrific. I reacted really badly to the medication and it was like a murder scene. I miss the baby we could of had everyday and I find it down right cheeky that he is asking me to have another considering he didnt want the pregnancy in the first place. I would love a second baby but I feel I dont deserve one. I dont ever want to replace that missing place with another baby. I feel like he is being out of order for asking this of me, is he or am I still just hurting too badly to think reasonably?

OP posts:

Babbly · 29/05/2021 12:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's perfectly ok to not want a child at one point and then want one at another stage - that's absolutely ok. As a couple, you made the decision that you didn't want to have a child at that stage but that doesn't mean you don't want a child now or aren't allowed to have one or don't deserve one. I think you should speak to someone about your feelings of guilt and resentment, you've done nothing wrong and went through something difficult. You're being very hard on yourself and your partner. You aren't replacing the child you lost by having another child, you're simply having another child.

BeachWaves2 · 29/05/2021 12:51

Did you feel like this when you decided to have the one you've got now Aswell?

Chamomileteaplease · 29/05/2021 12:51

I completely agree with the PP. I don't know your circumstances but sometimes it makes sense to end a pregnancy .

Your issue seems to be that you had an abortion under duress.

Try and access some counselling to stop your guilt and to accept that if you have another child it would in no way be replacing the one you terminated.

namechangingforthis19586 · 29/05/2021 12:52

He's at fault for putting pressure on you to terminate.

I think you would benefit from counselling.

Sillawithans · 29/05/2021 12:54

I had a terrible experience with an abortion. I'd suggest counselling or it will fester.

TwoAndAnOnion · 29/05/2021 12:56

@namechangingforthis19586

He's at fault for putting pressure on you to terminate.

I think you would benefit from counselling.

You dont know whether he put pressure or offered his preference. Two very different things

andivfmakes3 · 29/05/2021 12:56

I'm sure there was a reason you both agreed that a termination was best at the time - the reasons for which presumably have now changed hence why he'd like a second child?

BeachWaves2 · 29/05/2021 12:59

Did you have the abortion before or after your first child?

Original poster

Flatpancakes23 · 29/05/2021 12:59

@BeachWaves2 the child we have now as unplanned and due to contraception failure. We havent been intimate since I've had my baby and I dont plan to be because I'm scared of this happening again. I dont think I could of ever willingly tried for a baby. I had one and I stupidly let the pressure and behaviour of my partner influence my decision. Yes I also take some responsibility for it but I know if the factors around me were different and I had a supportive partner and family I would of kept my baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flatpancakes23 · 29/05/2021 13:00

I had the termination first.

OP posts:

AFS1 · 29/05/2021 13:03

I’m sorry for your experience. I think counselling would help.

I was in a similar position to you, save that I didn’t feel forced to have the abortion, but I would probably have gone through with the pregnancy if my partner hadn’t been so against it. I still consider it was a joint decision.

We now have a second child who would not have existed if we’d gone through with the aborted pregnancy. I do think about that baby and the stage he/she would have been. We would have had a more “normal” age gap between the siblings than we do now. But our son is awesome and I can’t linger too long on what might have been when the end result is my amazing boy. Plus, if I’d gone ahead it may have ended our relationship. By waiting until we were both ready, it’s meant that we’re a stronger family unit.

CutieBear · 29/05/2021 13:06

How long ago was the abortion? You both agreed it wasn’t the best time to have a DC, but maybe your situation has changed? You need to tell your DH how you feel. Maybe speak to a therapist so you can address the trauma and move on.

Chamomileteaplease · 29/05/2021 13:07

I find your posts hard to follow. But I really hope you are using contraception for the foreseeable future .

AFS1 · 29/05/2021 13:10

Oh, so you had an abortion, then had your child and now your partner wants a second child?

How old is your first child? You may feel very definitely about all this when he/she is older.

I still think counselling would be a good idea. You’re holding onto a lot of unwarranted guilt.

Original poster

Flatpancakes23 · 29/05/2021 13:13

@Chamomileteaplease sorry for that. We was using contraception as I said it failed hence why I'm not intimate at all anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flatpancakes23 · 29/05/2021 13:15

I really dont know how to let go of this guilt. I have self referred for counselling and I guess I'm one of many that are waiting for a response.

OP posts:

Puddington · 29/05/2021 13:18

Very gently OP, do you mean you plan to never ever have sex again in case your contraception fails? It sounds like you've really been through the emotional wringer but I'd second everyone's advice for some counselling to help you work through your feelings.

Puddington · 29/05/2021 13:19

Sorry just saw you have self referred! Yes the waiting times are insane I hope someone gets back to you sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Flatpancakes23 · 29/05/2021 13:20

@Puddington I'm really not sure. With my mental health at an all time plummet sex hasnt been the front most thing on my mind to be honest. Everytime I have sex it either ends in a traumatic termination or traumatic birth so I'd rather not.

OP posts:

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 13:32

Honestly, I’d get rid of your partner. He pressured you before and is unsupportive. And now he clearly lacks any understanding of your feelings/mental health to ask for another child at the moment.

Concentrate on your mental health. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, guilt is a wasteful emotion and you have a lovely baby who needs their mum to enjoy her time with them.

Ju11tne · 29/05/2021 13:37

There not enough info here OP. How long ago did you terminate? Could you afford another baby at that particular time?

What were your partners reasons for not wanting to go through with the pregnacy.

SunnydaleClassProtector99 · 29/05/2021 13:59

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Counselling sounds like a good idea. Perhaps as a couple if you'd like it to work.

You really need to sort out contraception. Abstinence won't work because eventually someone will give in. It also seems unfair to cut yourself off from intimacy with your partner if that's something you want (also fine if you don't)
You need to use a double contraception method. Condom and pill or coil. Make sure you are not using oil based lubricant as well because these can damage condoms.
It may be you need to book a family planning appointment to find out what is best for you. I would suggest don't just go for the pill etc. No matter how good the statistics seem. The pill has to be used very precisely and missing just one can result in an unwanted pregnancy.

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