Conspiracy theory obsessed is making me want to end relationship

[Tomanythoughts]

Been with OH 15 year, ups and downs as normal, generally been a calm, happy relationship until the pandemic. I understand the world is full of theory and opinions relating to the pandemic, each to their own. I've always been aware that my OH has liked to read. But over the last 12 months his obsession with proving people 'wrong' about the virus is now impacting on our relationship, family relationships and friends.
He gets into arguments absolutely everywhere, with everyone. He doesn't come across as intelligent, just arrogant. That's embarrassing enough but he's also dictating to me what I should and shouldn't be doing. My every move He suggests some alternative government spying mission, and just this week suggested I didn't go for my smear because the NHS were gathering data. In the early days of his outbursts I'd laugh it off as him being passionate, but now I'm quite convinced he's actually going mad!
Above all of this our children are living in a tense and volatile atmosphere and we're all living on the edge of him snapping. His moods are awful. He spends all of his time on the Internet 'researching' and as a result doesn't do a single thing anymore to help around the house or with the kids. My eldest told me she missed him the other day.

We have talked and talked about his behaviour and I just get told I'm a pushover and I'm letting people (gov, my boss etc) control me(!) I've suggested we have counselling in the hope he might let a third person explain how he is being unreasonable in his behaviour. His opinions (albeit not mine) are his, thats fine, but his behaviour is unbeatable. We're due to be married next year after 3 cancellations because of the pandemic and I can't help thinking it was a warning not to do it. I'm struggling to decide if we've just reached that point in our relationship were I tolerate less and less of his bs or whether he is seriously needing help for his erratic behaviour. Anyone else experiencing anything similar? I also appreciate lockdown has been hard, we've been fortunate to be in education so have maintain a odd degree of normality so I can't even blame lack of routine.

Should the relationship end?

@Beetlewing if he believed the Wayfair conspiracy theory then your partner is involved with QAnon.

There is another alarming post regarding a very similar sounding situation. OP I think it would be helpful to see this as a manifestation of mental illness rather than being about the conspiracies. (I'm not saying that all conspiracy believers are mentally unwell, just that believing a smear test is actually the government spying on you sounds more like psychosis. You may need to get him professional help.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4239046-Dp-still-sulking-over-conspiracy

I’m so sorry you are living with this.
I agree with PPs with much more experience of this kind of thing that it is likely your poor DP is suffering from mental illness but you also need help and support.

I’d also postpone the wedding, I’d quietly get important paperwork like birth certificates, passports copied/relocated so he didn’t have control of it and be prepared to live separately.

If he posts this kind of stuff keep screen shots. Gather evidence of his behaviour so that you can show counsellors or doctors, or if need be, a court. My warning bell was his comment on your smear - you can ignore that but what if he starts refusing permission for your children to have healthcare? So be prepared to be able to walk away quickly if it ever comes to that, and if you ever need to act for his safety or your own with legal intervention.

It sounds horrendous. Maybe the cancelled weddings are a good thing.

I think I would tell him he needs to see the doctor and counselling as an ultimatum. You can't carry on like this.

I've heard a lot of people say this about spouses or other family members in the last year. A close relative of mine is the same, she's cut ties with lots of friends and family as they don't agree with her or have called her out on the bonkers theories.

It also means no one wants to spend time with her as every conversation turns to covid and more outlandish conspiracies. I've tried gently suggesting we talk about something else but she won't have it, so I admit I've backed off.

First of all thank you all for being so kind. I was really scared to ask for advice but feel like I'm running out of options. @16lily I'm so sorry you're facing the same situation but you don't know how it feels to know its not just happening in my house. There was a comment about his lack of achievements or something along those lines and its fair to say I've had some good promotions that he hasn't dealt with very well. I am the main breadwinner too, which he struggles with but doesn't particularly alter his own career path. This really doesn't bother me. But I think as time has gone on his self esteem has deteriorated. Again I've tried to address this in a helpful way. I've suggested he channels his interest in society by studying sociology in the hope that would help him with perspective but he wasn't interested. Like @16lily I do think I want to see what comes after the pandemic settles down (fingers crossed this is soon). Luckily, the wedding isn't until late next year, unfortunately absolutely everything is fully paid. If the worst came to it I'd accept that as a loss. Just to say, he wouldn't stop me from accessing medical care, vaccines etc its just the intense amount of earache I'd get if he knew.
Again, thank you for the support. It's such a sad state to see family become embroiled in odd stuff online. I'm sorry to the lady who's mum is going through the same.
Have a good day people. I'll try and update in the near future.

Luckily, the wedding isn't until late next year, unfortunately absolutely everything is fully paid. If the worst came to it I'd accept that as a loss

Please, please don't factor the financial loss into any decision-making. I'm glad that you're prepared to accept the loss. And don't wait around for too long to make that decision. Your children are being affected by this every day that passes.

A temporary separation might be a good idea here. You can do without listening to his nonsense, the arguements it's causing, and the kids can do without the tension in the house. Do you jointly own your home or rent? If he were to find and fund a rental for himself could you manage financially to stay in your home with the kids? That way you could see how things go in the coming months and if he is still hell bent in believing these conspiracy theories, then don't go ahead with the wedding and separate for good.

Sorry about this situation, it sounds incredibly difficult. Definitely seek out help for both yourself and him, he sounds unwell and you need support in this situation. Remember to look after yourself and maybe let some trusted family or friends know about what's going on? Hope you get this sorted soon x

@Notaroadrunner fortunately the house is mine, I watch my mum struggle to get out of situations as a child and it terrified me into doing everything I could to be as self sufficient as possible. If anything one of my reasons for not ending the relationship is he wouldn't cope financially which I think would mean he would return to the US (He has dual citizenship and the majority of his family have returned there). I'm terrified of two things as a result of that, our children would miss out on a dad and I'd obviously have to let them go and stay for reasonably lengthy periods of time. Granted these are not reasons to stay in an unhealthy relationship but I'm trying to pick my battles and what I could deal with. If that makes sense.

Your children are already missing out on having a dad when he's in the same house so I wouldn't hold that as a reason not to separate.

Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs or maybe not. Either way,you need to do what's right for you and your kids.

So sorry to hear this, I agree with the posters that say this has crossed over into the clinical zone. But it's incredibly difficult when someone loses insight and refuses to get help.

I had to have words with my DH re his behaviour at the start of the pandemic. He's naturally obsessive and ruminative and he literally became obsessed with the news, had on live stream through his work computer insisted on watching 10pm news every night, relentless arguing on various WhatsApp groups. He became snappy and volatile like you say. He's now switched off the news and left the WhatsApp groups for everyone's benefit.

I’m sorry to say but if you are asking the question then you probably already know the answer. Sending hugs

Don't factor in the paid for wedding. It would be more expensive to undo afterwards, than before.

My dad acted like this, had was diagnosed with cancer and died within the year of this kind of behaviour

Could it be medical?

One good healthy, happy parents is better than 2, one of whom is miserable, the other unhinged.

@Yellowcrockpot - out of interest, was the cancer in his brain?

ExDP is like this. He was not like this when we were together. Our DC are 12 and 10 and have seriously distances themselves from him the last month because they are so fed up of his bollocks. It’s really sad but he won’t listen to anyone and his views are, frankly, fucking dangerous.

He's in psychosis and needs help

You’re children have already said they miss him and they live in the same house as him!

Of course they're gathering data about smear tests. How else would they know about uptake etc.

He needs to spend a day in a government department to see how awful their databases actually are. It's not all 'minoroty report', it's more Windows 3.1!

If he wants to do research ask him to read work by Professor Karen Douglas and not just blogs about her work, her actual research papers.

He may not be very well. I would leave if you can’t get him to access any help or support because it sounds very unhealthy for you and the children

You must not marry him.
It really does sound as though he has a mental health problem and you need to get this sorted before considering marrying him.
I am sorry you find yourself in this impossible situation.
If his crazy ideas were confined to him then it would be difficult but maybe tolerable; but if he has started to try and control your actions then it has gone too far. And your children will become embroiled in this.
Is there somewhere you can go to have a break from this and give you time to think.