Conspiracy theory obsessed is making me want to end relationship

[Tomanythoughts]

Been with OH 15 year, ups and downs as normal, generally been a calm, happy relationship until the pandemic. I understand the world is full of theory and opinions relating to the pandemic, each to their own. I've always been aware that my OH has liked to read. But over the last 12 months his obsession with proving people 'wrong' about the virus is now impacting on our relationship, family relationships and friends.
He gets into arguments absolutely everywhere, with everyone. He doesn't come across as intelligent, just arrogant. That's embarrassing enough but he's also dictating to me what I should and shouldn't be doing. My every move He suggests some alternative government spying mission, and just this week suggested I didn't go for my smear because the NHS were gathering data. In the early days of his outbursts I'd laugh it off as him being passionate, but now I'm quite convinced he's actually going mad!
Above all of this our children are living in a tense and volatile atmosphere and we're all living on the edge of him snapping. His moods are awful. He spends all of his time on the Internet 'researching' and as a result doesn't do a single thing anymore to help around the house or with the kids. My eldest told me she missed him the other day.

We have talked and talked about his behaviour and I just get told I'm a pushover and I'm letting people (gov, my boss etc) control me(!) I've suggested we have counselling in the hope he might let a third person explain how he is being unreasonable in his behaviour. His opinions (albeit not mine) are his, thats fine, but his behaviour is unbeatable. We're due to be married next year after 3 cancellations because of the pandemic and I can't help thinking it was a warning not to do it. I'm struggling to decide if we've just reached that point in our relationship were I tolerate less and less of his bs or whether he is seriously needing help for his erratic behaviour. Anyone else experiencing anything similar? I also appreciate lockdown has been hard, we've been fortunate to be in education so have maintain a odd degree of normality so I can't even blame lack of routine.

Should the relationship end?

Do you love and respect your partner?
This sort of mania is impenetrable

He’s not a conspiracy theorist he sounds nuts. That’s not normal behaviour. 3 cancellations are a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry a man like this, would you?

Oh dear, I'm really sorry OP that you and your family are having to go through this. I keep hearing about people losing their loved ones to these conspiracy theories. There are a lot of groups online who groom people into this stuff, particularly those who are vulnerable in some way. As you say he is doing a lot of research on the internet, I fear he is likely talking to such people who have really gotten into his head. I'm assuming he wasn't like this before as things used to be normal. I do worry about the mental health of those who get sucked into this and I think he needs some help, but it sounds like he is very stubborn and unlikely to accept it at this stage. If I were you I would not rebook the wedding and live separately to him with the kids and try to work on things from there and support him to get some help... you do not want them to get indoctrinated and this is no way of living. However, you can't stick around waiting for him to accept help forever and there comes a point where you have to walk away for good.

@Spotcheck love him yes, but the respect I had for him is declining rapidly.
@Kinny14 you're absolutely right in your question. No, I wouldn't.
I feel so deeply in this mess I don't know how to sort it out. Similarly, beyond this nightmare he was a decent person. I suppose I'm struggling to understand why a lockdown would mess someone up so badly when we've been so fortunate to not have experienced any of it or even know anyone who suffered.

@Freecuthbert thank you for such a kind reply. Its the most bizarre feeling to think he's been taking from me by strangers he'll never meet. He's so well educated. I've never been certain of his emotional intelligence, he had a very different upbringing to me on a different continent. Not a bad childhood but with different beliefs that we wouldn't probably impose on children for fear of damaging them emotionally.
Isn't it the worst feeling when you love someone but you can feel them zapping the life out of you?

I don't know exactly what conspiracy theories your partner is partaking in and whether there is any relevance to QAnon, but I previously saw a subreddit called r/QAnonCasualties (www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties). Lots of posts from people whose loved ones got lost to these conspiracies with situations sounding similar to yours, it's really heartbreaking. There might be stories on there you can resonate with and advice or resources that may be of some use.

He has joined a cult, in effect. He really needs help but I think it's important that you and the children get away from him actually. I certainly wouldn't even consider marrying him as he is now. I'd focus on living separately and telling him that he needs medical help. God knows where it's going to end with people like this.

He sounds as if he is having some kind of psychosis. I would not marry him quite honestly.

Marrying him is out of the question, imo. Personally, I would be wanting him to leave. His fuckwittery is impacting your children and your home is no longer a happy place. You should not tolerate this.

I couldn't do it.

I have let my best friend go for this very reason. I cannot have that tripe trotted out around my children. As a parent it is my job to keep them safe, this includes critical thinking and sanity.

I feel for you deeply

OP
If the respect is gone, then you may want to reconsider marriage.
I'm not sure you can love someone without respect

It really isn’t the point, but what is he thinking that anyone is going to do with data gathered during a smear test ffs?
This in itself would suggest he has crossed the barrier from sanity to insanity.
I couldn’t stay with a man like this, especially if my DD were exposed to his toxin.

Well I think the marriage should definitely be put on hold at least. Arrogant lecturing of friends and family is a dealbreaker on its own.

Also, Whatever "research" he feels he's doing, there's no excuse for not pulling his weight around the house, could this be an alternative opening to a serious discussion?

If he's bought into the really bs stories such as Q Anon and he's spouting those in front of the kids
then I could not tolerate that. I have let a long standing friendship go because of this.

With these people, the enlightened ones, I ask them what are they going to do with this insider knowledge and understanding they have gained, other than watch videos On YouTube (which is owned by Google, another tool of evil so how can they even trust YT)?

I agree with PP. He sounds like he needs urgent MH support as this has crossed the line from conspiracy theorist to mania. I’m not sure how you will get him to willingly go for assessment though. He may need sectioning. I’ve known 2 men like this. The first was largely a conspiracy theorist relating to the pandemic. The second was an end of the world “doomsday” theorist. The doomsday guy spent years and year analyzing the Bible and the stars etc in order to map out the end of the world. His wife left him after around 10 years of this. People largely ignore him but he’s now got a glut of loopy extreme view Christians on his FB who follow and agree with his every word. The other is similar to your DH only not as extreme but will bang on about x,y and z believing he’s the only “woke” person. Most people will just agree to be polite. His wife is still with him but I think she puts up with a lot. I don’t think many people would stay with someone like this if I’m honest OP. I really hope you can get him to see a psychiatrist.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My mum, an intelligent woman in her late fifties, has fallen for these conspiracy theories too. If she just quietly held her (batshit) beliefs I wouldn’t mind but they dominate every conversation and unfortunately the bottom line is that she thinks I am a sheep she must ‘educate’. I dread to think how horrible it would be living with a partner capable of exerting control in this situation.
It has helped me to think about why my mum has been corrupted because it makes me less angry and more compassionate towards her. So for example, disappointment with how her life has turned out plus 30+ years of unaddressed poor mental health, plus social isolation.
I have heard that it is best not to fight with people who believe these things as it just makes them more entrenched. Give them space to change their mind. In terms of whether the relationship is overt or not I think it depends whether he can be drawn back into family life. If all he is capable of is reading about conspiracies and ignoring his children I would think his presence is actually harmful.

Run away as fast as you can. Don’t marry him, it will only get worse. I’ve had two male (ex) friends behave like this, with slightly different focuses, but the outcome in both cases was the same; wives and children had to leave because the behaviour became so extreme. I always count myself extremely lucky as in both cases I had had a brief relationship with them when I was younger but things hadn’t worked out. I keep them both at arms length now, and won’t get sucked in to any conversations about anything.

Aww so sorry this is happening to you. I lost a long term friend to it - can’t imagine how hard it just be when it’s your partner

Sounds a bit like the onset of paranoid schizophrenia to me OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. You may want to get medical advice on this for him.

I think you need to put your and your children's happiness first. He clearly has mental health issues. If it was me I'd be pleased that I'd not married him and I would leave. Yes he's ill but marrying him won't fix that.

I couldn't live with this, and your children shouldn't have to. Your life sounds intolerable.

Above all of this our children are living in a tense and volatile atmosphere and we're all living on the edge of him snapping. His moods are awful. He spends all of his time on the Internet 'researching' and as a result doesn't do a single thing anymore to help around the house or with the kids. My eldest told me she missed him the other day.

His comment about your smear test is really worrying. He's gone over the edge, and I'd be asking for advice about him. Doctors? MIND helpline?

Absolutely don't marry him, and consider the next step to keep your children safe from his views.

You'll have a lucky escape. Leave now.

He’s displaying signs of paranoia, OP, of the pathological kind. I’d hold off any plans to marry until he gets help.

There’s a thread ma here that you might read:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4043302-To-leave-my-cult-obsessed-DP?msgid=103979483

I get you. I'm in the same position. I've stopped talking to him about anything. It's just not worth it. So yes I'm gradually moving away from him. I've told him it makes me feel not attracted to him any more and so we now live separate lives. He tries to tell me about any whacko conspiracy theories I just go blank. He has said he doesn't want the kids to have the covid vaccine, or even the flu vaccine but they will. He doesn't know enough about it to have an opinion, all his information is conjecture and Chinese whispers. He believed the wayfair child trafficking thing ffs!

I could have written this myself and I know how torn you feel. For me, I know my husband struggles with depression, anxiety and ptsd and the rabid beliefs he’s fixated to are a way of coping, especially at the moment. I’m pretty robust but this last year has really started to drag me down. For my husband, whose mental state was already on the rocky ground, it’s been a nightmare of uncertainty and distrust and this is his way of coping.

I have lost a lot of respect for him, I can’t talk to him rationally about his beliefs and he’s found many, many validating sources. But this doesn’t mean the end of our relationship. I truly believe this is a mental health problem and, just as I wouldn’t leave him if he had cancer, I won’t leave him for this.

My coping mechanism is the belief that the pandemic will end (please god when?!) and to listen but not validate what he says. It’s hard not to respond but he’s better when he feels heard. I have tried to talk about being unhappy, mentioned professional help (that didn’t go down well at all!) but I feel we’ve got to a place where we can both get through this. I’m also looking at counselling for myself as I know I can’t change him but I can change myself.

My other concern is for my young son who idolises his father. I’m doing my best to teach about the difference between facts and opinions and how it’s important to do you’re own research.

My best advice is to take stock of what’s important to you, know you’re not alone and don’t make any decisions in anger/frustration. It’s ok to leave the room when he starts dragging you down and it’s ok for you to tell him how it makes you feel (be prepared for fireworks the first few times) and I sincerely hope as the pandemic situation changes so to will the need for exterior reasons to distract from internal uncertainty and our husbands will come back. 💐