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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Covid test AIBU

21 replies

Chucklecheeks01 · 28/05/2021 17:57

DD and DS and me have just come out of isolation after having covid. My DS 10 is supposed to be going to his dads tomorrow. But his dad won't take him unless we all provide written proof of a negative civid test.

I've been advised by my GP and test and trace NOT to do a covid test within 90 days as particles can still show as a positive test even when not contagious. I have been isolating with both kids for over a month now. That's after doing all of last years lock down on my own with no assistance from their dad; working, recuperating from a brain bleed and schooling. He didn't see DS for nearly 4 months in the first lock down as he said it was too dangerous. I respected his choice as fear isn't rational.

However his fear is directly effecting our lives now.

I have given him the guidelines resulting in him ignoring them and accusing me and DS of not supporting the fight against covid. Its pure gaslighting. Its clear he is terrified of catching the virus.

My DS is now concerned (as am I) that he will take him to the car (staying 6 ft away) and do a lateral flow test. If its positive he won't take him. Aside from the upset that will cause my son he is pretty enough to register the result and we'd have to isolate again with him for 10 days. We have plans. A new puppy to collect. Family to see. My dad has had a op and my grandad has been diagnosed with late stage alzeimers and we've not been able to see either for over a month.

I'm also concerned if he takes him home to do a PCR test that could come back positive my DS will have to stay longer than planned and miss collecting the dog and seing family.

We do not communicate directly. It goes through a third party, long story. He's refusing to engage with the third party and won't respond when asked of he is still planning to test. He won't even confirm pick up time.

If he doesn't engage by tomorrow AIBU to say DS isn't going?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 28/05/2021 18:18

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Your ex says he won't take DS without a negative covid test. You don't want DS to go. So just say fine, he hasn't got a negative covid test - I'll let you know when he has.

Mummyme87 · 28/05/2021 18:22

It is correct that you shouldn’t retest for 90days as can have positives ongoing. Even if he did test him I wouldn’t think he would need to isolate, I certainly wouldn’t isolate him

BelleBlueBell · 28/05/2021 18:26

@DeathStare

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Your ex says he won't take DS without a negative covid test. You don't want DS to go. So just say fine, he hasn't got a negative covid test - I'll let you know when he has.
I'm not sure I do either, he just doesn't go and that's the end of it for now
Looubylou · 28/05/2021 18:34

Take the power away from him, announce now he won't be going, and go about your plans

honeygirlz · 28/05/2021 18:36

@DeathStare

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Your ex says he won't take DS without a negative covid test. You don't want DS to go. So just say fine, he hasn't got a negative covid test - I'll let you know when he has.
This in a nutshell.
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/05/2021 18:39

He is trying to control you.

Don't let him.

Just arrange a date for contact next month instead, then he can't fuck up your plans.

Imnothereforthedrama · 28/05/2021 18:42

If you have had Covid you can’t retest for 90 days that’s correct, if you do take a lateral test and it’s positive you won’t be able to do a pcr test so it’s kind of pointless. No you don’t need to isolate because you don’t need to test so if he’s insisting on a test tell him he can’t for 90 days .

1FootInTheRave · 28/05/2021 18:46

You can test positive for around 90 days.

What does your ds want to do?

TotorosCatBus · 28/05/2021 18:48

I would tell his Dad not to take ds if he doesn't want to.

It's not possible to provide proof of no Covid and Lateral Flow Tests are for asymptomatic people. As you said people who have had Covid will continue to test positive for 2-3 months after catching it.

AuntieStella · 28/05/2021 19:14

If you have the advice from either T&T or GP in writing, and you don't mind if DC don't go, then you forward the info to the intermediary with a note saying you will be unable, on medical advice, to retest before (date when the 3 months is up)

Ask intermediary to let you know when s/he has passed the information to XP, and for confirmation if his intent not to see his DC during that time

amylou8 · 28/05/2021 19:21

I can see why he's your ex! My answer would be that DS can't test for 90 days, so if he's insisting on a test then he's got a wait for access. And then if he doesn't have symptoms DS will only be taking a test if he agrees (assuming he's old enough to have a say).

Custardo · 28/05/2021 19:24

its a reasonable fear tbh - just dont let him go

JellyTumble · 28/05/2021 19:29

@DeathStare

I'm not sure I'm understanding this. Your ex says he won't take DS without a negative covid test. You don't want DS to go. So just say fine, he hasn't got a negative covid test - I'll let you know when he has.
This. Solves both problems.
Chucklecheeks01 · 28/05/2021 19:46

My worry isn't him not going, I'm content to say he says here for the 90 days. My concern is for my son if he does come, collect him and tests him against recommendations. We will have to deal with the repercussions of that. My question should of said AIBU to preempt contact etc and say he simply isn't going for 90 days.

As a PP suggested I will get the third party to say we can arrange contact in 90 days.

Thank you

OP posts:
Chucklecheeks01 · 28/05/2021 19:51

@1FootInTheRave my DS wants to see his dad but is getting upset at the idea of being tested and sent home or eing quarantined again. He hasn't been out of the house for five weeks due to having to isolate with his school bubble then his sister testing positive and then me testing positive.

He knows he won't be able to say no to his dad and will be guilted in to it. His dad has been lateral flow testing him when he sees him. Again against advice as he is primary school age. When he has tried to say no to the lateral flow he's had comments like it's his responsibility to make sure people he loves don't get really sick. It's too much pressure.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 28/05/2021 19:54

Yes just explain to son that you don’t want to take the risk of getting a positive result so it’s best he sees his dad a different time and tell the third party that he won’t be coming.
I hope you have fun getting your new puppy Smile

BogRollBOGOF · 28/05/2021 19:59

This is a form of abuse. Ex either sees the children without testing or if he won't oblige by that he's revoking his right for access. He has no right to perform unpleasant medical procedures, against medical advice on DS for no good reason. It would not be excusable for any other illness.

Chucklecheeks01 · 28/05/2021 20:30

Third party has received a response, addressed to me again saying I'm unreasonable by not swapping weeks and not fighting against covid and keeping him safe.
A final response has gone back saying its not me and if he continues to be rude via the third party this form of contact will be stopped.

Hes been told again he will be with me for the 90 days.

Hate this, six years its been like this. Its tiring

OP posts:
CoffeeCakey · 28/05/2021 20:40

He knows he won't be able to say no to his dad and will be guilted in to it. His dad has been lateral flow testing him when he sees him. Again against advice as he is primary school age. When he has tried to say no to the lateral flow he's had comments like it's his responsibility to make sure people he loves don't get really sick. It's too much pressure.

This is horrendous. Consent shod be freely given for medical procedures and tests. I don't think it's safe emotionally for your son to be around him.

Chucklecheeks01 · 28/05/2021 21:16

It gets better. He's responsed that he isn't dealing with a made up mediator who doesn't exist. Finished the rant off with
"As he has had covid there is no point testing him for 90 days. I'll collect him at 10.30"

Hes arguing with himself at this point. It really is tiring

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/05/2021 23:04

His dad has been lateral flow testing him when he sees him. Again against advice as he is primary school age. When he has tried to say no to the lateral flow he's had comments like it's his responsibility to make sure people he loves don't get really sick. It's too much pressure. That isn't just too much pressure. It is abuse. Performing unnecessary procedures on children. I wouldn't be comfortable with my children going at all and would be seeking advice and support from the GP and social services.

Would you perform unnecessary procedures on your children OP? Because I would bet my last pound you wouldn't!!

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